Getting Hitched!

Tuesday, November 3rd was my three year anniversary. Phil and I decided that we didn't really have any money so we were just going to be laid back about it. We went to Flat Top in Bloomington (one of my favorite restaurants) and debated whether or not to see a movie. We decided against it and headed back to Lincoln. On the way Phil asked if we could stop at the school. When we got there we went into the coffee shop so he could use the bathroom. As he was going in, he put a note in my pocket.

He wrote that he knew how much I enjoyed scavenger hunts, so that's what we were going to do. (Also, that's the way that Phil asked me to be his girlfriend three years ago. A scavenger hunt that led me to him and then he asked me). The first clue led me to the place where we watched on first movie as boyfriend/girlfriend. The next clue led me to where our 'pet' rock had lived for a very long time. The third and final clue led me to where he had asked me to be his girlfriend. It took me forever to find the last night, but I finally found it. I opened up the note and the ring fell out. He got down on his knees to pick it up and then... dun dun dun, since he was already on his knee he turned a looked up at me and asked me to marry him!

I was so surprised! I think I even asked him if he was serious. And I of course asked him if he had asked my dad. And then I said yes!

It was an awesome three year anniversary.

Now on to the more difficult part of planning a wedding and figuring out all of that stuff that goes along with it.

We have already decided on a date. It will be May 22, 2010. So mark your calendars!

Thanks for sharing in this exciting moment with me!!

Finally a Job

Well I managed to snag a job. And I think, for the first time in my life, I'm really excited about where I'm working. I was hired at the Pavilion, the Behavioral Health System. I am working as a Mental Health Technician. The facility is designed for a number of different programs and needs, and offers comprehensive care to youths, adults and their families. The Pavilion offers inpatient, outpatient and partial hospitalization programs for the treatment of drug, alcohol and psychiatric problems.

I feel blessed to have gotten this job. The pay is pretty decent and I also get benefits, which is something I've never had before. The only downside to the job is that it is in Champaign- which happens to be over an hour away from where I live. I will be driving roughly 2 1/2 hours everyday, which isn't exactly ideal with the winter coming up so quickly. But nonetheless, I am really excited about this job.

For me, this isn't just a job. I am of course there to make money. You cannot survive without money. It's a necessity. But where I'm working now is far greater than just a job to me. It's a passion. And I never thought I'd be passionate about working in an institution. Or a mental health facility, for that matter. But I am. And I'm passionate about this because I know that I am going to get experience working with both kids and adults who are struggling with substance abuse and different types of psychiatric problems.

And because of that, I will be going on a medical mission trip next Summer to Kenya. Heather is leading this trip with a number of co-workers and friends that are all in the medical field. I am excited to be joining this team for a number of different reasons. I'm really looking forward to going back to Kenya and seeing everyone again. There are a lot of people that I wasn't able to say goodbye too because I left so suddenly. It will be nice to be with them again. I'm also excited about this trip because I will have a different medical perspective- that of mental health. I think it will be a great experience and I know I've got a lot to learn before I actually leave. I'm so thankful for this job, because it will give me a better understanding for when I go to Kenya.

I will give a more specific update about Kenya and what we will be doing there when the time gets a little closer. Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

A Pleasant Surprise

As I've already written, I came here as a means of running away. Of course, God had other plans. What I meant to be an escape, God meant to be healing. And God knows best! So while it has been very difficult and trying, I am so grateful for this time here. Not only has it impacted me because I've had to face what's inside of me, it has also impacted me as a missionary. The things I've seen and experienced have challenged me, broken me, and filled my very being with a passion to minister to people, no matter where I am.
I also came here thinking I was getting away for two months. But again, things don't often turn out the way I planned. When the missionary purchased my ticket for me, he made it for the wrong return day. And so... surprise surprise!... I am home at the beginning of October and not the end. Yes, that's correct, I'm home now. I wanted to surprise everyone, and for the most part I have. It's been great!
I'm really glad to be home. I had mixed feelings- I really loved my time there. But I'm also happy to be back. I'm ready to find what's right around the corner from me- to help meet the needs in my own neighborhood- to do what I can for the people that are right here.
Thanks again for all your prayers and also your emails. They were really encouraging and it's something I needed at the beginning of my trip. Also, just because I'm back in the States, it doesn't mean my journey is done. I believe we're all on a journey, striving to live out the passion that is stirring up in us. I will continue to blog about my passions, my struggles and whatever experiences life throws my way.

Also... on an unrelated note- I have a job interview on Monday, and I really hope I get it!!

Here are some more pics from my trip:

Hanging out on the roof with Skylar and Nicole

Playing cards (obviously)

Hanging out with the family... watching Biggest Loser.

A Larger Picture

One of the coolest things about coming back to Peru after 3 years is seeing how the vision of the project has moved along so drastically. When I first came here, the project was in its first year. There was a team of missionary's, some from different countries here in South America, and also a North American couple. They talked about their vision for Trujillo and how they were going to reach both the people living in the barrios and the people living in the city. It seemed like such a huge task- I imagined it would take many many years to reach some of their goals. I left 3 years ago while the project was still mostly an idea.

But now... well not it's clear to see that God has been in this project from the beginning. There have been many setbacks- with some of the members of the team leaving and other in it for the wrong motives. But through all of the trials, Gods Word has prevailed. The project is growing. The teams ahve moved into 6 new barrios, where they will begin training leaders, implement community development where the people in the community become the committee, and get the kids into a sponsorship program so that their families have food, as well as a chance to get an education. Those are just a few of the things that are being done in the barrios.

A church has started in the city as well. I believe it began 2 weeks before I came here. We had a huge parade yesterday, in order to get the word out about it. Apparently parades are a big deal here. If you want people to hear about what you're doing or something you're promoting, then have a parade (as a matter of fact, a parade just went down the street. I don't know what it was for though... but there it went). It was fun and had a pretty good turnout.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday:

These were the little kids in the parade. The boy in the green is Angel (pronounces "ahn-hel"). I met him three years ago. And it was great to see him again.

Kellie and I were the "Gringa" exhibit.

All the "Princessas"

I guess my point in writing this is simply that God has the big picture. We only get glimpses of a small portion. Somtimes we're able to see a little extra. I have been blessed by getting to see a little extra here in Trujillo. I have seen this project go from a big idea that seemed impossible to accomplish, to a project that is impacting thousands of people in and around Trujillo. But more than that... I have seen hope. My last blog was filled with despair. I felt, and still do feel, overwhelmed by the immense poverty here. And I wondered if anything could be done. And while this project has in no way eradicated poverty from Trujillo, there is hope. And it's only fitting that this projects name is "Proyecto Nueva Esperanza", or in English "Project New Hope".

I would also like to tell you about one of the highlights of my time here. I went back to one of the barrios that I, of course, hadn't been to in 3 years. I was just standing there talking with some lady. Suddenly these two girls run up to me. The older one asks me if my name is Sarah. I said yes and she looks back to where some ladies are sitting, just staring at me. She nods yes to them and they all smile and start chatting again. Then the girl hugged me. It was Flor. We had hung out before. Don't tell anyone, but when the teams would come in to do construction projects, I would often sneak off and hang out with the kids. I couldn't believe that she remembered me. It was years ago and there have been so many different Americans that have come here to help out. I was elated. I was humbled. It was one of the highlights of this whole trip.

Me with Flor and her sister (Flor is on the right)

Garbage Dump Life

As we drove around the different barrios, I felt my hope slipping away. These living conditions are horrifying, demeaning and completely devastating. No human being should have to live in such poverty. These little shantys start out with the straw and sticks, sometimes newspaper is used as insulation. The floor, of course, is sand. As they earn a few dollars here and there they are able to buy bricks every now and then. Eventually they will collect enough bricks to put around the outside. These shanty-type houses are often no more than an 8x11 foot space, sometimes small than that. And it is there that whole families must reside.
But what about the bathroom? I always find myself, like most people in the West, wondering where the nearest clean bathroom is. As often happens when living in a place with unclean water, sometimes it becomes necessary (urgent even) to run to the bathroom. But in the barrios the nearest bathroom is simply behind your house. You go outside, do your business and then cover it up with sand. You don't have to be in the medical field to know that that's not sanitary- that that's how diseases are spread.
In some barrios though, there is an actual toilet. usually just one though, for the whole community to share. But even that one toilet is a rare commodity. And what happens when you have bad diarrhea in the middle of the night? These are the living conditions in the barrios. But it gets worse. Would you believe it if I told you that the barrios were a step up from the way that many people live here?
We were leaving one of the barrios where we had put in a type of septic system for the only toilet there. Jaime wanted to show us the garbage dumps. We drove around for awhile looking at various dumps with heaps and heaps of trash. People just dumped wherever, they just threw their trash wherever they saw fit. At first I was really frustrated. Why do people just throw their trash wherever they want to? Why isn't somebody doing something about the massive piles and piles of garbage? These people could live much better lives, with less sickness and disease if they weren't dumping their trash next to their homes.
Those were all the thoughts going through my head at first. But then... I began to realize that without the dumps a lot of people would die. People scrounge for food through all of that trash. And some people will collect different things to hopefully sell for a small amount of money. I even noticed that some people live in the garbage dumps. Can you imagine living in garbage? Having your children born and raised in a dump? Allowing them to romp through it, not just to play, but to survive? This is their way of life. These people are doing just that. When a new load of trash comes in, people fight each other for it.
Now if that doesn't make you want to weep, I do'nt know what would. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know how to wrap my mind around it. I don't want to become desensitized to it all. Yet how do I have compassion without my heard breaking to pieces? But something has to be done. This was never God's intention. And as much as it breaks my heart to see it, I know it hurts God so much more. Those are his children suffering and pilfering through trash in order to survive. Something has to change. What can possibly be done? Who can help them? Compassion is one thing, but compassion with action is only pity. And pity gets us nowhere.

I see them playing among the broken glass
And searching for food in the piles of trash
Their clothes are tattered and they're covered in sand
A baby among them, to young to even stand
Dirt covered faces and lice infested hair
They scour the trash piles with feet that are bare
They wrestle each other for a black piece of bread
The obvious winner decides to share it instead
One by one they grab a tiny piece
Their eyes light up as if it's a giant feast
Some eat it quickly out of excitement or fear
But some save it for later, it needs to be shared
These children are young, no older than five
Born into these dumps with a need to survive
Too poor for education, no hope for success
This cycle of poverty is a never ending process
From generation to generation the same families exist
Is it only to toil and suffer and perish?

Something that blows my mind about all of this is that the majority of the people in the city have never been to the barrios. They are oblivious to the way these people live... and they only live a few miles apart. It makes you wonder, what's right around the corner from where I live that I am completely oblivious to?

Unredeemed

I saw the lyrics for this song by Selah, and everything just seemed to fall into place. It all just made a little more sense, became a little bit clearer. We all go through painful times in our lives, and everything affects everyone differently. But it doesn't mean the pain isn't the same.
Healing is such a slow process, slower than we would like it to be. But it's in that process that God will ultimately make us stronger. It's through the healing process that we are then able to reach out to those around us, who may also be struggling.

Selah: Unredeemed

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Burning Bush

I've always thought that Moses had it easy. Because of the burning bush experience, he knew exactly what he was called to do. I've longed for my own burning bush time and time again. If God would just give me a sign then I would know what He wants of me and I would do it!

Why can't I get a Burning Bush like Moses? And then I read the story again. This time I understood it a little differently. The burning bush wasn't a sign for Moses so he would know what God wanted him to do. The burning bush was nothing more than an attention getter- so Moses would stop long enough to listen to what God had been telling him for so long.

God had been tugging at the heart of Moses for many many years. But Moses was running- he was scared. When Moses came across the burning bush he stopped and opened his heart to God. It was then that He was able to hear what God had been saying all along.

I don't want a burning bush. After understanding the implications of one, I'd rather not have one. My desire is that my heart is always open to God. I long to hear His words, to know His heart and His desire for my life.

I don't want to run away from Him, I don't want Him to have to catch my attention with a burning bush, or a mission trip to South America, or anything else. I simply want to listen to Him and know where He is directing me.

On a completely unrelated note.... Here are some pictures for those of you who want to see my face again :)

Breakfast with the ladies- after a Baptism in the Ocean!

Going out to sea..

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Hanging out with the... birds?

Time wounds all heals

It's only been a week and already so much has happened. Not necessarily with what I've been doing here, but with what has been going on inside of me.
After getting here and settling down, I realized that part of the reason I came here was simply to run away from the things that were making me sad and causing me such pain. Don't get me wrong, I also came because this is my passion. Afterall, I did go to school for this. I just know that God had his hand in this in more ways then I could have ever imagined.
I'm going to share a bit of my story because I believe that honesty and openness brings healing. And I no longer want to wear a mask that covers my feelings and all of my emotions. God created us to be emotional beings and he created us to be in community. So I'm going to share my feelings with this small community of people who may be reading this.

I left Africa feeling hurt and confused and very angry. I knew that coming back was the right thing to do, but it was still frustrating to me. I finished up my internship at a homeless shelter, but it's not what I wanted at all. From the beginning I had a bad attitude about it and I let that ruin the whole experience.
But instead of dealing with the issues that were actually bothering me- like the lady at the Mission tried to get me to do- I simply kept it all in and became pretty bitter and more upset. I thought maybe time would heal the wounds I had. But after awhile I just felt so unhappy. Leaving Africa, interning at a place I didn't enjoy, and finishing school without figuring out what I really wanted to do with my life... it all just really got to me. But more than that I was really struggling with trying to piece together my broken heart. I felt like nothing would ever be the same again.
I didn't want anyone to know that I really wasn't okay. So I just put on my "everything's perfect" mask. Only my pillow knew how I truly felt as I often cried myself to sleep, stifling my sob so no one else would hear. I am sure that some people knew that I wasn't really okay- at least those closest to me. But still I was pretending. I think mostly I was trying to trick myself into thinking I was fine.
I just felt like I needed to get away. Or, more accurately, I wanted to run away. I thought that if maybe I was someplace else, busy doing other things, that I wouldn't think about it and all would be great. Boy was I wrong! I really like how God sometimes lets us run with our ideas only to have it be the opposite of what we expected. God is so awesome because he knows exactly what we need and he'll even use our clumsy and misguided plans to teach us.

So, I came to Peru thinking I was escaping things back home, only to find that God had other plans. Now, instead of being busy and forgetting all my worries, I've had so much downtime and so much time to simply think.
Plus, I'm in another culture all by myself. Which can make it a little bit lonely at times. So there... it was just me and my thoughts/feelings alone with God.
How funny You are Lord!
This week has been really painful as I've faced all the things I've run from for so long. But it has also been good because this is exactly what I have needed. I've really been praying and reading God's word and simply listening. It's a slow process, but I'm so thankful for it. I came running away, but ultimately God's purpose was for healing.

Final Destination

Well I finally made it last night. I wasn't sure if I would ever get here. It seemed like it took nearly forever. That long layover in Miami was just ridiculous. But somehow I managed through all the different airports.
The host family that I am staying with is just awesome. They are easy to talk to and make me feel so comfortable. I'm so grateful that they have opened up their home to me. They actually just moved here from Arizona about five months ago. The funny thing is that they were on one of the short term trips that I helped organize here three years ago. They came back the next two years also and decided that they wanted to be missionaries. Everything just sort of fell into place and here they are.
I can hear them downstairs right now learning the language. Every morning their Spanish teacher comes over and they study for several hours a day. I think I may have to join them later.

I am so blessed because I have access to the internet and also a free phone. Yes, that's right... FREE! That means anyone can call me if they would like. It's an Arizona number, so if you call from your cell it will be free, but if you call from a home phone it will be like calling to Arizona. But who has landlines anymore, right? Here is the number: 623-444-2964
If someone else answers (which I'm sure they will because I'm not about to answer someone else's phone. How awkward would that be?) then just ask for me.

Well, I am about to leave now. I am going to the barrio with Danell this morning. Just jumping right in. Just what I love!!

Thank you for your prayers!

Sarah

Itinerary

I finally have my complete itinerary. I was waiting for the missionaries to buy my ticket from Lima to Trujillo, because they can get a better rate by buying in-country.

Here is my itinerary (I will depart on September 1st):

Leave Chicago O'Hare at 5:25pm
arrive in Miami at 9:25pm

Leave Miami at 7:35am (Sept 2nd)
arrive in Bogota, Colombia at 10:00am

Leave Bogota at 1:40pm
arrive in Lima, Peru at 4:35pm

Leave Lima at 8:35pm
arrive in Trujillo at 9:45 (Sept 2nd)

The only thing that I am a little reserved about is that I have such a long layover at the airport in Miami.
I am excited that none of my flights are longer than 4 hours. Sitting on an airplane is not very fun or exciting. So several short flights are better than one or two really long flights.

Please be in prayer with me as I travel. It's always a little nerve-racking to travel alone to another country. And seeing as how I always manage to get lost while I'm driving, I always get nervous that I'm going to get lost in an aiport. That really would not be fun (especially in another country). But I am blonde, so these things do happen.

Let the Countdown Begin

I bought my plane tickets yesterday! It's official- I am leaving on September 1 and returning on October 22. My departure is just 11 days away. I can't believe how soon this is.
All of this is happening so fast that it is making my head spin a little bit. It's almost like it's not real. I have been so blessed with how quickly it all came together.
To be completely honest, I really wanted to go back to Kenya. I even emailed the missionaries there before I ever even considered going to Peru. I just felt like I never got to finish what I had gone there for. But I never heard back from them. And then, when I was just about to throw in the towel, I couldn't stop thinking about Peru and the missionaries there. So I just emailed them. And in less than 2 weeks everything came together so perfectly. Thank you Lord, for this Blessing!

I'm really not entirely sure what I will do once I'm there. I know it has something to do with community development. But that is such a broad category. The last time I was there they worked a lot in the different barrios by sharing the gospel, doing feeding programs for the kids, getting the children sponsored so they could go to school, started churches and different house groups, etc. I wonder if it will be relatively similar to that.
In any case, I'm just extremely excited about going back to Trujillo.

I'll keep this updated throughout the trip. And as it gets closer to my departure, I'll put up my itinerary. Please pray with me as I prepare for this.

Sarah

Sarah the Missionary

What a crazy few days it's been! It's hard to wrap my mind around it at times, and sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm dreaming. Well here's the scoop:

After I wrote my last blog, I was beginning to think that maybe God really was wanting me to stay in Lincoln. I'm sure that I could find something in Lincoln that I love and that I'm good at. I just really wanted to go back to Kenya, but I hadn't heard anything from the missionaries there. So Friday morning I was just pouring my heart out to God. I figure he knows what I'm thinking and feeling anyway, so I might as well just share it with him. I told him that I really wanted to just go and do something- I just want Him to use me. That's my hearts desire, but if I'm supposed to stay in Lincoln then I will do that (i really didn't want to stay in Lincoln, but God knows best).

But I was tired of waiting and searching for someplace to go. So I just said that if nothing came up by Monday then I was going to fill out the stack of applications I have and get a job in Lincoln. I was certain that I could find something in Lincoln that I loved.

And all day I just kept thinking about Peru. I had been there 3 years ago, for a summer internship. It was a great experience and the missionaries there were awesome. All day long I just kept thinking about it. Finally I sent them an email, explaining that I would like to maybe come back for a little bit and asked if they would be willing to accomodate me.

Saturday I got an email back saying to call them. And I did just that. I talked to Mike and he said that I should come and that they would figure out something for me to do. I told him that I graduated from College and that my degree was in Missions. He asked if I knew anything about developing communities. I said "Well... my Focus was in Community Development, so...". And he said that was amazing because that's exactly what they were doing now.

So... I'm leaving as soon as I get the money to go. I've already been blessed with $2000, so I only need to raise about $500 more. I will be gone for almost 2 months.

I just can't explain how truly blessed I am. I am so thankful for everything that has happened. This year has been really hard for me and I've just felt so broken and lost and abandoned. I felt like God wasn't hearing my cries or that he just didn't care. But I was so wrong. He does care, it was just that I was not listening to what He was saying.

Wake up Call

The last time I wrote a blog I talked about losing my passion. It's been quite awhile since I've written and I guess a lot has happened since then. I guess, right now, it's not so much that I am losing my passion. It's more so that I'm just not utilizing my passions and my gifts. I often feel stuck and that I'm just drifting through life with no purpose. It's hard to find a place where I fit. Sometimes I just feel like I don't belong here.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with my Grandma Gladys (a wise woman she is) and she just put a lot of things into perspective for me. She just shared her own life story and talked about her relationship with God. Her words were just what I needed at that moment and they really pierced my heart- in a good way. It just really got me thinking about what I truly want out of life.

I told her that I don't want a job. I want to work- I want to do what I went to school for and I want to do what I'm truly passionate about it. I just don't want to get any ol job.

Before I left she told me that I need to do what I love- that I need to do missions. I left feeling refreshed and optimistic. In a way, I left feeling more whole than I have felt in such a long time.

On the drive home I told my mom that Grandma told me I should go on a missions trip. She said that she knew that and that Grandma told her she could sense that I was struggling. She said that Grandma told her she could see that I was waiting for God to move first, but God was waiting for me to move first. And that God can wait a lot longer than I can. That part made me laugh a little, because I'm certain that God can out-wait me anytime. But her words cut deep. They were so true and so perfect. I guess I never really realized it myself, but that's exactly what I have been doing. I've been waiting for God to move, to do something, to show me what to do. I guess, in part, I just felt like God wasn't really concerned with me and whats been going on in my life. I sort of felt abandoned. But when I heard those words, I knew that God had not forgotten me, but had been there all along- just wanting me to keep moving instead of being so scared to even move at all.

With that said, I'm currently praying about where to go and what to do. I'm ready to move and I'm in the process of doing just that. I want to follow where God is leading me, no matter where that may be (I suppose, even if that means being in Lincoln).

Losing my passion

I'm still struggling with remaining content in what I'm doing and where I'm living. I would give anything to be able to just up and move. And sometimes I think that if I weren't in a serious relationship I would do just that. But I can't possibly leave now- that would just be silly.

I just feel that I am losing or forgetting the passions and desires that were once so strong. And I'm worried that I'm going to simply settle for a mediocre job and living in a place that I don't like. Part of me feels that if I don't do what I really love now that I will never get around to doing it.

I guess that's why I'm so frustrated lately and why I've been searching non-stop online for different jobs or different things to go to school for. I just want to figure out what to do before it's too late and I'm stuck doing what I hate.

And it's not even that my life is so terrible or my job that unbearable. I can tolerate my job, it's not that bad. It's just so boring and I definitely can't see myself doing that long-term. I dread going in for several reasons; there's not a lot to do there in the middle of the night, it's extremely difficult to see the mind's of these mostly healthy elderly people deteriorate so terribly, and ... well, it's just not something that I'm passionate about at all.

I don't know where to go from here...

In a rut

Lately I've just been feeling so blah. I don't even know how to describe it. "Blah" is the only thing that I could come up with. I just feel like I'm not doing anything with my life, nothing that really matters or means anything. Nothing that I even want to do.

I'm working at an assisted living facility in Bloomington. It's not a bad job, and it pays pretty decent. But that's not at all what I want to do. I haven't gotten the job at Contact Ministries yet. The position was through AmeriCorp and they wanted me to work full time. But since I already work nights in Bloomington, that just wouldn't be possible. But I guess they are trying to figure out a way that I can work part time. I don't know... I was confused by what was going on and all the emails back and forth. Communication between me, AmeriCorp and Contact hasn't been one of our strong points. So we'll see what happens.

I feel like I am just stuck in some kind of rut. I'm not at all looking forward to this summer. I will just be working two jobs and living in Lincoln. This may come as a surprise to some people, but Lincoln isn't all that exciting. I wish I had the money to go on a Mission trip. I'd love to go back to Kenya or Peru. Or wherever. Any place but here.

I suppose I'll just have to make the best of the situation I'm in. I am working and making money. So maybe I'll be able to save up enough to go on a Mission trip in several months. In the meantime... who knows what.

Well what now?

Friday was officially the last day of my internship! I am completely done with everything. Graduation is the next step!

My last few days there were pretty fun. Mostly because I hung out with Bonnie a lot. She is the lady that I had mentioned in a previous blog. Working with her this semester has been quite the experience. It's been fun and enjoyable, and it's also been kind of scary because you just never know what might set her off. Schizophrenia is a weird thing. But the last few days of my internship were pretty good with Bonnie. One day we were sitting on the porch just talking. I happened to have my camera with me and we decided to take some silly pictures together. It was probably the best time I had had all semester. It was just so joyful sitting there and laughing with Bonnie. I will continue to pray fo

r her. It's sad to think that she might end up leaving the Mission and going back to her lifestyle of betrayal and abuse. I pray that she will rema

in there and get the help that she so desperately needs.

Here are a few of our pictures...

I have also been blessed with a job already, possible two. Soon I will be starting work at Contact Ministries. Previously I wrote about my experience there during one week of my internship. It was a great experience and I absolutely loved working with those ladies there. It's only a temporary position at first, but there's always the possibility of moving up on the ladder.

I also may be working at a Nursing Home in Bloomington. I have my CNA license and I think it would be a great idea to utilize that, mainly because the pay is pretty good.

But that's about it. Hopefully everything works out just dandy.

Crossing the Finish Line...

This is it. My last week as an intern. I couldn't be more excited about being done. Mainly because this is the last hurtle before I graduate. I'm also excited about being done because... well quite frankly this hasn't been an easy semester. The internship itself hasn't really been hard and it hasn't really even been challenging. I just how up and do what needs to be done, no big deal. It's really everything else going on in my life right now that has made this semester so difficult for me.

The truth of the matter is, I have been really hurt. And because of that, I have just sort of shut down all semester long. I just kind of tucked my emotions away and pretended that everything was okay. On the outside all has appeared neat and calm and okay. But on the inside... everything is in chaos and turmoil. I'm broken. I took out my inward frustrations and hurts on this internship. I blamed the internship for the way that I was feeling. I thought that it was just being here that made me feel the way that I did. I thought that maybe if I were in Africa still everything would be better. But the truth is that everything wouldn't be better. It would be different, yeah. I wouldn't have to face the realities of what's going on around me, I wouldn't have to be in the middle of it and see the hurt and heartache. At least right now anyway. But if I were in Africa still, I would be coming home in a few days and then I would have to face it all.

Anyway, all of this is just to say that my internship is over in 4 more days and I feel like I haven't grown any. I feel like I've been set back and that I'm more lost and broken than when I first began. I thought these experiences were supposed to make us grow?

Moving On...

Graduation is in 2 short weeks! I'm excited, but I'm also getting a little nervous because I have no idea what I'm going to do now that school is done. I haven't been able to find a job yet. And quite frankly, I'm beginning to get desperate enough to take the first thing that's hiring.

On a more exciting note... my Roommate from college is coming back from Thailand tomorrow and we will be living together once again! I'm so stoked... I about can't stand it.

Hit on and Run over

Today I was working at the Bread Line. It's a soup kitchen that serves two meals a day, and today I worked there for both of those meals. It was quite the experience.

For starters, this somewhat creepy and very old guy started blowing kisses at me through the window before he ever even got into the building. I just shook my head no and continued on with what I was doing. When he finally got into the building, he made his way over to me and proceeded to explain to me that he wasn't going to bother me. Well okay then. But through the duration of his meal he continued to stare at me.
This other gentlemen, who informed me that he was 30 years old, tried everything in the book to get my phone number. When I explained to him that I had a boyfriend, he asked how long we had been dating, if I really loved him and if he loved me. He then told me that he wanted to try and break us up. Unfortunately for me, this guy stuck around for about an hour trying to get my number.
I must say that I don't think I have ever felt more awkward and uncomfortable while doing volunteer work. I didn't mind the work so much, but I just felt self-conscious and very uncomfortable as these grown men stared at me and said very inappropriate things to me.
And, to top it all off... this lady in an electric wheelchair ran right over me! Not only did she run over me, but she did so while I was trying to get HER some food. :) It was quite comical. Very painful, but pretty funny too. I'm still not entirely sure why she ran over me.

The somewhat creepy and very old guy returned again for the second meal. He stared at me the entire time again- and again told me that he wasn't going to bother me.

Oh the life of an intern...

A Glorious Reunion

A Glorious Reunion

This past weekend I got to see the lady I stayed with while I was in Kenya. Her name is Mary. She was in Indianapolis speaking at a church about what's going on in Mathare. I was so excited to see her. Heather, who also went to Kenya last summer, and I drove there Saturday for the service. We thought we were on time, but turns out there was a time change. So we were actually half an hour late. But it worked out to our benefit.
When we walked in the church we saw a guy that we went to college with- who happens to work there. We told him why we were there and then he asked us if we wanted to go backstage and see Mary. Of course we said yes. So he took us back where she was. As soon as we walked in, she just stared at us. Then immediately got up and her eyes starting watering. I didn't know that she had no idea we were coming. We totally surprised her.
Oh my gosh... seeing Mary again brought back a flood of memories and emotions. We just kept hugging each other. She couldn't believe I was there. She said "Oh Sarah...". And a little bit later she said "You made it back." I never got her email address, so she hasn't heard from me since I left Kenya so suddenly that night back in January. It was a glorious reunion indeed.

Some days, like Saturday, I just wish so badly that I had never left Kenya.

The Food Bank

The Food Bank

This week I have been working at the Central Illinois Food Bank. Originally I started off stocking the shelves with the various items that are donated to them. But the warehouse was so cold, and one of the ladies said that I could work in the office with her instead. Of course I agreed… anything to get out of the cold. So I have just been doing odd jobs for her. Mostly tedious tasks like filing, creating spreadsheets and logging it onto the computer, uploading the donation receipts onto the computer, stuffing envelopes… that sort of thing. I actually didn’t mind the work. It was very tedious and time consuming, but I realized that the work desperately needed to get done and they were very appreciative of my time there. Plus, the lady that I worked with was quite funny to be around, and she even gave me some really helpful information about different organizations in the area that I might be able to get a job at. I was so thankful for her help!
Today at the Food Bank I had the opportunity to go with to participate in the hunger study. I guess they go out to the different shelters, soup kitchens and food pantries and conduct surveys with some of the people that use those services. I was able to interview some of the people, which was quite the experience. The people were very candid about their answers (the majority of them anyway), and had no qualms about explaining their living situations. I was actually pretty disheartened by many of the answers as I realized the magnitude of this problem. While there may not be a ton of people that are necessarily homeless, the sad reality is that there are so many people (in the Springfield area alone) that struggle to feed and clothe themselves and their children. It was sad sitting there, listening to the answers of some of these questions. ‘Do you ever have to choose between paying for food and paying for rent?’ ‘Do you ever have to skip a meal because you don’t have money for food?’ Do your children ever have to skip a meal because you don’t have money for food?’. It’s heartbreaking to hear them answer yes to these questions and so many more like it.
I guess the saddest part of the whole thing is that people’s stereotypes of who the homeless/poor are is way off. While there are some people that become homeless because of their drug/alcohol addictions, the truth of the matter is that many people become homeless because of situations out of their control- they lose their job do to an injury, layoffs, or the company closing down and they are unable to find work some place else/Those that are poor are not poor because they are just lazy and don’t want to get a job. They may have suddenly lost a job, become ill, had a relative die and have to take care of their child(ren), etc. There are many circumstances that cause people to become homeless/poor- usually situations that are out of their control and hard to get out of.
But it was also encouraging to know that there are different organizations and agencies that will come along side these families and offer their services for free. But still, it doesn’t seem like enough. How are handouts going to break the cycle of poverty?

Feeling Appreciated

Feeling Appreciated

These past few months have had their many ups and downs. It has been a very trying and often discouraging experience, but it has also been pretty life changing in a few areas. I have a better idea of what I want to do when I graduate (which is only a month away!), which involves doing some type of community outreach with the homeless. I have been given the opportunity to have a wide range of experience working with the homeless in Springfield. I really had no idea that there were so many homeless in this area or that there were so many organizations offering their services. Plus, just getting to know the different people I have been working with has been great.

This week I have been working at Contact Ministries, which is another homeless outreach organization. This experience was much different from working at the Mission because Contact typically deals with the street homeless, whereas Inner City Mission mostly just caters to those living in the shelter. Contact also has a shelter for women with children, but when I was there I just worked downstairs with the people that came in off the street. A typical day involves giving food vouchers for the people to take to local food pantries, getting clothes and other items (household items, personal hygiene kits, etc) for those that need it and that sort of thing. I helped sort the clothes in basement (these clothes are then given to the residents in the shelter and the people in the community as they are needed). Twice a week a doctor comes in and will offer free services to those that are homeless. There are many more things that Contact Ministries does, but I didn’t really help out in any of those areas.

Working at Contact was an awesome experience. It helped me to see a totally different perspective on ministering to people- I just loved being there. And quite honestly, I didn’t want to leave. It just rekindled my passion for doing homeless ministry and having some type of outreach program for the community. I love this type of work and I’m praying that I can found a job where I can do this all the time.

I guess one of the other reasons that I really loved working at Contact was because I felt like I was actually needed. Or useful. I was busy pretty much all day long- constantly running around and doing stuff or getting things. The women I worked with were really fun to be around and I just felt like I was a part of what they were doing. They didn’t make me feel like I was in the way or that I was bothering them by asking so many questions. I just felt appreciated.

This week I will be working at the Food Bank. I’m really not sure what I’ll be doing there. When I went there a few weeks ago it really just seemed like there was a lot of stocking foods and stuff going on- but not much else. Of course, I only saw a brief part of it. So hopefully I’ll actually be doing something.

So, I’ve had a few emails from people that they can’t leave me comments on here. Sorry about that. I forgot to change my settings to allow those that don’t have a username to be able to comment. Just comment as name/url and type your name. Let me know if it works.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Since being here, I've learned how true it is that laughter is the best medicine. Because without laughter, I think lives would fall apart. I think people would be so overcome by the grief in their lives and the lives they see all around them that they would literally just fall apart.
The staff and the residents have also learned this lesson. I think that sometimes we frighten visitors that come in because we seem to always be laughing and cracking jokes- where most people think that it is out of place and we should be a little bit more serious and a little bit more somber at a homeless shelter. But the truth of the matter is- half the time we have to laugh to keep from crying. The amount of pain and heartache and brokenness that come through these doors is almost unbearable at times. And I think that God has given us laughter to begin the healing process.
As I mentioned a while ago, I get to do case management with two of the ladies that live here. Basically I just meet one-on-one with them each week, check up on how they are doing and help them out if they are in need of anything. What I didn't mention is that one of the ladies suffers from Schizophrenia. Her story is sad and terrible- the life she has endured seems to come straight out of a horror story. The sheer amount of torture, abuse and betrayal that she has gone through has damaged her mind so badly that she is a grown woman with the mindset of a 6 year old- a very paranoid woman that is in desperate need of help.
I love this lady. I think she may be the funniest person I have ever met. I enjoy spending time with her, getting to know her and laughing uncontrollably with her (like when she had her shirt on inside out at the doctors office and we desperately scrambled to get it the right way before the doctor opened the door. We were almost rolling on the floor in laughter). But I also stress over her- she has a serious condition and it is evident in the way she behaves and thinks sometimes. She's certain people are after her- that's why she won't allow anyone to take her picture. She believes that different things are wrong with her (for example, she has bugs in her eyes) and doesn't believe anyone (including doctors) that there is nothing there. She sees and talks to this particular man- who the staff have come to understand is Satan. According to her, this man loves her. But he also (from what I've gathered) wants to harm others in her life. Getting the details from her are a little vague- it's hard to understand most of the time.
She has been to the Mission about 3 or 4 times now- the staff that have been here are very familiar with her. She stays for awhile- saves up her money- and then gets paranoid that the staff are stealing her money. Then she gets all heated up, demands to get the money that is in savings and leaves. Sadly she usually winds up in the hands of someone who is simply using her for the money that she has saved- another abusive relationship, another round of torment. After awhile she makes her way back here again, usually having been off her meds for quite awhile. It's a sad cycle that she just can't seem to break free of.

But this is the lady I work with. And since meeting her, I just have so many questions. Questions for God- because I have no idea why all of this has happened. I just don't understand why or how she can be so tormented by Satan (who she can see and talk to) when she believes in God and Jesus.

It's hard facing the realities of life- realities that pose questions that sometimes you just shrug your shoulders and say "I have no idea." The reality of coming face to face with a situation that is so far out of your league- "they didn't teach me that in Bible College". It's a challenge, but it's also a growing experience. I'm just still trying to figure out how I'm growing from this situation.

A Lesson Learned

A Lesson Learned

Learning lessons is rather difficult. At least it is for me. I thought for sure that I wasn't learning anything here- that I was just completing hours for my internship and that there was no other point. Half the time I feel useless here and wonder what the heck I'm even here for. Sometimes I wonder why I ever even left Kenya- I want so badly to just go back.
But here I am. And it's here that I know God is trying to teach me something. But sometimes I just focus so much on my frustrations and my iniquities that I fail to see the bigger picture.
I cry out to God, wondering what my purpose is and where I fit in all of this. Do I even fit?

And my answer came in a surprising way- well, surprising for me anyway. For my internship here I have to do this Beth Moore bible study. It's the "Breaking Free" one. I must admit that I was less than thrilled to be doing it. I was frustrated that I even had to. But nonetheless, I did it (am doing it). And I am learning a great deal about finding peace and contentment. I don't know what it is, but I just have no contentment in what I'm doing. I want to do more meaningful things, I want to do something that I feel matters. And I suppose that's where my problem lies. It's not about me and it's not about what I'm doing or what I'm not doing. At least it shouldn't be. And I shouldn't make it be about me.
God promises to give us his peace in all things and in all circumstances (2 Thes. 3:16) - and that includes being on an internship where I feel less than useful at times. God desires for us to have peace, no matter what our circumstances. But I must believe it, I must be willing to get down on my knees and cry out to him, and I must be willing to receive it.

I have to stop feeling sorry for myself- stop wishing that I were in Africa. Because the painful truth is that I would probably feel the same way no matter where I was. Mission trips, internships, jobs, whatever... it's not about me and what I can accomplish. It's about God and what he can accomplish through me and through other willing people. I need to find joy in the tasks that I do, no matter what they are. It's a struggle, but I am learning to find peace and joy where I am right now. Please pray with me about this. It's not an easy struggle- and I must admit that I keep failing at it.
If anyone has any suggestions that might be helpful, by all means, send them my way.

Also... I'll be sending an update via snail mail. But it's nothing new compared to what I've been writing on here. It's just an update letting those that don't have internet know that I am back. Yes... a little late in coming, seeing as I've been back since the end of January, but at least I'm sending it out.

That's all for now.

I'm Allergic to Springfield

I'm Allergic to Springfield

Okay, so I only made that my title because Jessica’s title was “I’m Allergic to Thailand” and I kinda wanted to be like her. Go here- http://j-reeves.blogspot.com/ -to check it out

I’m not actually allergic to Springfield. But I think that I may be allergic to the cat that my roommate got.

About my internship:

I think it’s strange that it’s already March and I’ve been here for over a month. Sometimes it still feels like I just got back from Africa not that long ago. I still think about it all the time and wonder how everyone is doing. I still pray for the mothers and children that we visited- praying that God will bless them and continue to provide for the many needs that they have. And I still pray about the people that work in the different Centers- that God will strengthen them and give them the ability to continue to working with these people that are so very poor. It’s so taxing emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, mentally and even physically.

But I’ve been here for many weeks now and I’ve really gotten to know the people I work with everyday. Their life stories are some of the craziest I have ever heard- so unreal at times. Many of the people living here have had such a hard life- circumstance after circumstance with no seemingly no relief in sight. But then they found themselves here. I’ve heard some of the residents talk about this place as a Safe House. One of them said to me “I’m not homeless and I’m not living in a homeless shelter. This is a safe house and these people are my family.”

It’s so neat to see these many different families living together under one roof, and not simply tolerating one another, but growing to genuinely love one another. Obviously with so many people living under one roof there are bound to be fights and quarrels. But it’s so cool to see how the residents fight and quarrel like siblings- but also love and respect each other like siblings. This place is a home. And these people are family.

Some pics from the Mission:

Me and Madison

Some of the kids making a mess... I mean making cookies

Church at the Mission

The whole gang (residents and one of the groups that came for the weekend)

Some personal stuff:

Sometimes I feel like I really don’t do anything, and I’m really struggling with trying to find my niche. In all honesty (and that’s what this blog is supposed to be about) I sometimes wish I were back in Kenya. I just felt like I was getting something accomplished- I felt a little more useful. I was learning a great deal, like the language and the culture and different aspects of doing ministry in the Mathare Slums. I was learning about the operations of the different departments within the organization, like CHE, Health (HIV/AIDS), Social Work, Teaching, Business, etc. Everything was so different and new and I felt like I was just learning so much every day. But here… well, it’s home. And while it may be easier in that aspect because everything is so familiar, it is harder because I just feel so useless at times. Like being here doesn’t mean anything except for getting my internship hours so I can graduate. But there has to be something more than that… right?

Where I am - What I'm doing

Where I am- What I'm doing

I know that everyone already knows where I am, but I’ve just recently figured out what it is that I will be doing. Because I just jumped right into this internship, it has taken several weeks to mesh out all the details of what I’ll actually be doing. So… here it is:

*On Tuesdays and Fridays I will be answering the phones and doing office work.

*I will fill in as lodge supervisor as needed

*I will be the case manager for 2 ladies living here

*I am also going to start mentoring two of the older girls living here

*And because I am the new intern, I will do whatever else needs to be done

Oh, and fyi, I started drinking coffee again. Life is just altogether too stressful and tiring to not drink coffee anymore. According to some of the little girls here at the Mission “coffee makes you short.” But, I figure I’m already short, so it doesn’t really matter.

In case anyone would like to send me some snail mail- my new address is:

1003 ½ South 8^th Street

Springfield IL 62703

Here are a few pictures from where I now am:

Inner City Mission

The Office... where I spend countless hours

In the kitchen- about to eat dinner

Just a few of the kids- waiting to eat

Two of the girls living here

Mystery and some of the girls were listening to music videos