Feeling the Stress of it All

I am currently renting a house in Lincoln. It's totally awesome. I have thoroughly enjoyed living by myself. It's one of the (many) things that I have wanted to do before I get married.

I also have a job that I love. It's ridiculously hard at times, but in the end I still can say that I love my job. However, it's all the way in Champaign. Over an hours drive just to get there.

I didn't realize that the drive would be such a big deal when I took the job. And honestly, I took the job because I had no other options. But... turns out, it is a big deal. Paying over $300 in gas a month has seriously dented my checkbook.

I came to the conclusion that I would go down to part time there and get another part time job in Lincoln (or maybe even Springfield because that's still pretty close). I can't even begin to tell you how many applications I have floating around out there. I have been searching and applying for almost 2 months now. And nothing. I did have one interview, but they did not call me back.

I am beginning to get really stressed about all of this. I have been praying and praying and praying (something that I definitely need to do more of these days).

I also decided that maybe I should just find a roommate who can split the rent with me. That would at least ease part of the burden. I have put ads on Craigslist and so many other roommate websites (kinda weird that they have those...). I have gotten one response. From a guy- 36- who is married and has 2 kids. I thought that was odd. Cause he doesn't intend to move his family in with him. Luckily I still have my sense about me, because there's no way I'm letting a guy move in here with me.

I'm getting nervous because if I don't have another job or a roommate by the beginning of February... I don't think I'm going to have the fundage to continue living here. Ahhh!!!

Also... wedding planning sucks! I'm getting married in roughly 4 months and all I've gotten accomplished is ordering save-the-dates. I have friends that are getting married several months after me and they pretty much have everything planned already.

I just need some help.

Overcome

I wrote this poem as I was (and still am) struggling with issues that are so far out of my control. Sometimes there are circumstances, or changes, in life that are so difficult and that cause so much grief and sadness. Somehow though, I believe that God works in us through the pain and the hurt and the brokenness. For me, it's so hard to see how God is working in my life when I'm going through something painful. All I can see is how hurt I am and it seems like God is doing nothing to help me out. Almost like he has abandoned me in my time of desperation.

This poem was actually comprised of three different poems that I wrote through a period of several months. It kind of goes from a perspective of complete hopelessness and loss- to a period of trying to escape the pain- and then to a more reconciled perspective, where I can finally see the hand of God through the mess of things.

Overcome

Here again in a lonely place

Longing to glimpse a familiar face

The whole in my heart continues to grow

Into the night the tears always flow

This isn’t where I belong

It’s not where I fit in

There’s no familiar song

My soul cries from within

I don’t want to be here anymore

I’m tired of living this lie

Please take this mess away from me

And break this heart of stone

The darkness swoops in and corners me here

All of my peace is replaced by my fear

I struggle to stand as I cry out in vain

No one will know it causes me pain

I’ve been wounded, I’ve been beaten

Deep inside my heart is bleeding

Who could know of this pain inside

No one will know if my soul just died

It’s lonely here and it hurts so bad

I only long for what I once had

The hole that’s my heart will never be healed

I’m stuck in this darkness, alone and so scared

I ran away today

Ran from the pain, just got away

It hurt so bad, it cut so deep

I fell to the ground. I started to weep.

Where can I run to get away from it all

Where do I turn for you to hear my call

Where can I escape this unending pain

Oh God, is all this wailing only in vain

I cried alone today

Cried from the pain. Had no escape

You broke my heart

I built a wall

I fell apart

From it all

A broken heart turned to stone

Inside my fortress all alone

I want to be free

I long to escape

My one desire is for these chains to break

I want freedom from this pain

But without it, there is no gain

A broken mess restored again

A passion revived as hope floods in

This healing has brought a love so divine

I’m no longer broken, I’m no longer blind

In you I can overcome

In you I no longer need to run

With you I’m strong enough to stand

Only in you can I gain the upperhand

Unforgiveness caught me in a snare

Bitterness and anger became all that I could share

Tragedy overtook me as I blamed it all on you

I was damaged, I was broken. I didn’t know what was true

But in you I overcame

Your love has brought the rain

Of healing into my life

I will no longer lose this fight.