Bittersweet

Today. Such a bittersweet day for me. Months ago I anticipated this day, dreamed about it, hoped for it. Today was the due date for the baby we lost last September.

For almost 3 months I imagined what this day would look like (or more accurately a week from this day because all of my babes have gone past their due dates), how labor would begin this time around, who would watch our trio while we were in the hospital, how the Littles would take to this newest addition.

When I should have been 11 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound showed that the baby had no heartbeat. Today I am sad that I don't have a newborn to hold in my arms or smother with kisses. I'm sad that the kids don't have a new sibling to meet. I'm sad that I can only imagine what that baby would have looked like and how his or her personality would have blended in our family.

After we lost our baby, I again imagined what this day would look like for me. Would I take the day to myself and mourn the child we lost, would I spend the day with the family and celebrate what God has so richly blessed us with, would I share my thoughts and feelings with others, or hold on to it deep in my heart.

But months ago I didn't expect to be expecting again. So this day also has a new meaning. Today I am mourning the baby that we didn't get to see and hold and know this side of heaven. But I'm also rejoicing that today I'm 16 weeks pregnant with the little avocado sized miracle that God has blessed us with. Today I still get to anticipate the joy of carrying a baby in my womb and delivering it into this world.

It's weird, ya know. Living in this moment of bitter and sweet. Mourning a loss and rejoicing in a life.
When I think about that baby, I still cry. Even though I know I'm going to have another baby, I still cry about the one we didn't get to have. The one we won't be bringing home this week.
And I also know that when we get to meet this little one that I'm growing right now, I will think how sad and crazy and weird it is that I never would have had him or her if we were having a baby today. It's crazy. And it's hard to wrap my mind around.

It's the same thing with Pax. I can't even imagine my life without that little guy. But the truth is that we miscarried 3 weeks before he was conceived.
Again, that was a moment of bittersweet. When that due date came around, I was pregnant with Pax. Still mourning the baby we lost, but rejoicing in what we were about to have.

Bittersweet.

One thing that the bitter of this reality has made clear is my many blessings in life. When I'm mourning the babies we have lost way too soon, it reminds me how precious and sacred life is. I look at the three beautiful children God has given me and I am overwhelmed. I look at my growing belly and feel itty bitty baby kicks and I'm amazed. I am so blessed. I cannot take these children for granted. I cannot complain about the bundles of energy, the fit throwing toddlers, the crazy attitudes and messy little faces because I am so blessed to call them mine.

That doesn't mean that days aren't hard. I have 3 toddlers! But it does mean that I can put it all in perspective. I have experienced three losses. I know the pain of losing babies. But I also know the joy of having babies. I am richly blessed. And so on this bittersweet day I can mourn what was taken so soon, but I can find joy in what has been given to me again.
I can remember what will never be, but I can also rejoice in what is to come.

I will never stop mourning for you, sweet baby girl. And every year on April 9th I will think about you and celebrate you and cry because I never got to hold you. But I am grateful that you get to be with the One that made you, and someday I will get to meet you!