Because I Don't Want to be Swallowed by a Big Fish

"I could never do that! You must have a lot of faith!" I can't tell you how crazy this statement, or similar versions of this statement, makes me.

This is me being transparent:

If it were up to me, I would not be uprooting my family and moving to another planet (okay, Africa is not another planet. But as far as other people are concerned, it may as well be). If it were up to me, I would not leave my friends and family- uncertain of when I may see them again. If it were up to me, I'd stay in the comforts of my own home, attending my own church, and enjoying life where it's oh so familiar. If it were up to me.

This is something I've wrestled with for some time now. And to be completely honest, it's a daily battle. There are moments of panic and heartache, when I tell God that this isn't what I want. I'm not cut out for this. What about my family? What about the life we have here? What about the needs in THIS neighborhood?
I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this from me.
You see...this is difficult. The most difficult thing I've ever had to do (and I haven't even done it yet!).

So what propels me onward? I don't want to be swallowed up by a giant fish! Okay, well that's not exactly right. There is some truth to that, in that I don't want to be disobedient to God. After all, isn't that what the story of Jonah is all about? God wanted him to go, but Jonah didn't want to. He wasn't interested in doing that. He wanted to do something else. Ultimately, though, God's plan for an entire nation rested on Jonah's obedience to just go. So yeah, obedience does drive me (and the fear of living in the belly of a fish!) but it's bigger than that.

What really keeps me heading toward ministry in another country? God does. As I've wrestled with this over the last several months, God has really opened my eyes to some truths. A big question I have to ask myself is "Who am I trying to please?" Am I trying to please my friends/family, my own self, or God? It's a serious question that deserves a lot of thought. And while I love my family dearly and want to do what makes them happy, they are not my priority. No, I am not trying to please them. If I were...I would be pulled in so many different directions. Yes, I need to take their opinions and concerns into consideration. Often God will use those closest to us to steer us in the right direction. But ultimately, I do what I do because of my desire to please and serve God.

I could tell God no. I know that He would still love me, and we could continue to grow in our relationship. After all, He did create us with a free will. But I would be missing out on some amazing blessings. When we say yes to the plans God has for us, immense blessings are in store for us. I don't mean blessings of health and wealth and a lifetime of happiness and good fortune. I mean the blessings of God and his power and promise to provide everything we need.

Part of my problem is the constant need to rely on God. We are currently living on support right now. That means that we have absolutely no financial security on our own accord. Monthly we trust the Lord to provide (through our supporters) for our needs. And right now we are waiting on God to provide us with 100% of our support AND $15,000 in one time costs by the beginning of next month. The anxiety, the fear, the doubts and the questions that are coursing through my mind is exhausting. What if we don't get the money? Does it mean God is closing the door on this? Is he just postponing it? What would we do in the meantime? Where would we live? How would we pay for the things we need? Would our supporters stop supporting us?
These questions are constantly racing through my mind.

But even through this God is teaching me some of His truths. I need to rely on Him. I need to give Him control of everything. I need to trust Him. Whatever the outcome, I just need to trust Him.

So when people say things like "I could never do that", I want to say "Neither could I!" Because the truth is, I can't do it. But I trust God to do it through me. I am learning to trust Him with my very life and trust that He has great plans for me and my little tribe.

You're going Where?!

When I tell people where we will be going, I often get a look of stunned disbelief, while their response is a cautious "Ohhh....neat. Wow." And that's it. End of discussion. I usually say something like "Yeah, we are really excited to be going", hoping to keep the conversation alive. I want to share with people what we will be doing, why we are going, the plans God has for us. But mostly the conversation is over at that point.

Africa. It's that place that we hear so much about, but seems so far away and so scary. Pictures of half-naked children, flies covering their faces, extended bellies and a look of hopelessness. Stories of dirty water, tiny huts, AIDS and death. The news tells of corruption, civil wars and genocide. Africa seems so bleak. Africa. So needy. So broken. So hopeless.

It's almost like people are hearing us say that we are going to live on a different planet. I would expect their reactions to be that of disbelief. I would expect people to think we are just a little bit crazy and not want to talk about it anymore. That makes sense. But Africa is not a different planet.

Yes, there is still a need in Africa. But it's not a desolate and hopeless place. It's a beautiful place, full of hope and a longing for the Gospel. When I tell other Christians that we are going because there are still people that have never heard the Gospel, they are shocked. But yes, it's true. It's a heartbreaking reality that we talk about a second coming, when half the world has never heard of the first (that's a quote by Oswald Smith).

So yes, Africa. It's in our line of sight because there is a desperate need there. It's a need that matches up with our passions and our gifts. It's a need that God wants to meet. Through us. So we will go.

Africa...we are excited to call you home.

Tips on having Two under Two

Baby bunching. Apparently that's the term for having kids close together in age. Well, that's what we did. We bunched up our first two babes and had them 14 months apart. And ya know what...I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sure it's sometimes the most ridiculous and difficult thing- like when my toddler is having a serious temper tantrum and the baby is screaming because he wants to be fed RIGHT NOW! Or when I'm trying to get the baby down for a nap and Miss Fits decides that right then would be the most opportune time for me to hold her and yells "uppy" at the top of her lungs. Or when I'm the only one home and need to leave the house to attend a diaper party, in which case I end up carrying a baby in a carseat, a wiggly toddler, a diaper bag, a snack bag, a pack of diapers and my coffee down the most ridiculous set of steep stairs.

But most of the time it's a lot of fun. Lots of lessons in patience, that's for sure. But so much fun with these two little ones.

And so, if you decide to join the ranks in baby bunching, let me just tell you that the excitement and the joys are abounding! But it's also terrifying, exhausting, and so difficult. But the joys far outweigh anything else.

My tips on having Two under Two:

1.    Continue with your toddler’s daily routine. No matter what age your older child is when you add a new baby, there are bound to be some adjustments for him or her. Miss Fits was only 14 months old when Mr. Mellow came into the picture. I know she was too young to truly understand what was happening, but she definitely knew that something was different and became more…clingy. This new creature suddenly took up much of mommy’s time and body, and she didn’t like it! Sticking with our daily routine helped a lot, I believe. She still knew what was coming and what to expect most of the time.

Vacuuming isn't really Miss Fits daily routine. But...it was fun to watch her try. And it's a cute picture!

2. Shower every 2 days. This may seem like a silly tip, but seriously…it’s important. I’ve discovered that when I actually take the time to shower, and scrub the spit up out of my hair and the weird sticky substance from yesterday’s lunch off of my arm, I feel much better. Like a human. It’s unrealistic to think that you can get a shower in every single day. I say opt for every other day. If you can’t fit a shower in, just comb your hair. Get out of your flannel pajamas or black yoga pants. Put a little make up on. Seriously, when you make a little effort to take care of yourself, you will feel so much better.

3. If you have steep steps, MOVE! Okay, not seriously. But you need to think about how you get in and out of your house right now with your toddler. When I was pregnant with #2 we lived in an upstairs apartment. The stairs were steep and slippery- especially when it rained or snowed. I fell down them twice while I was pregnant. Miss Fits was definitely not able to go up or down the stairs at that time, so I did a lot of carrying. And when the new little guy came, I did even MORE carrying. There were times when I had to leave the house with both kids- alone. I didn’t want to leave either one alone, so I would carry them both down those steps. It was scary! Just be aware of how you do things now, because it will get much more difficult once #2 arrives.

4. Accept help and forget housework! This is one thing I failed to do. I have it in my mind that I have to do it all. The truth is, you will be a better wife, mom, and really just a better person all around if you don't wear yourself out. Having a baby is hard work! Having two babies is even harder! Add the cooking, cleaning, and every other aspect of life to the mix and it can get down right exhausting! Accept the help. Nobody is offering help? ASK for help! Hire help if need be! Your sanity is at stake here. And housework...well it'll always be there. Take a few weeks and just recover from giving birth and enjoy your two beautiful babies!

When you forget the housework, you get to enjoy moments like these!

5. Wear your baby! I was told by many that I wouldn’t have time to hold my newbie as much as I did my first born. That’s just not true. In fact, I think I held Mr. Mellow MORE than I held Miss Fits. I used the Moby wrap a lot those first few months. It was a life-saver!

Or get your hubby to!

 6. Teach your first born to play alone. This is a tip I wish I would have had BEFORE having the little guy. I didn’t start to teach Miss Fits to play alone until Mr. Mellow was already 4 months old. If you teach your toddler this early on, it will make your life much easier! Schedule in “play time” every morning and afternoon.

Miss Fits playing all by herself

7. Anticipate the months to fly by. Before I knew it, Mr. Mellow was 6 months old, sitting up, rolling over and on the verge of crawling. They seriously do grow up so fast! And honestly, you’re in such a haze from little sleep and caring for two very dependent little people that all of the days seem to blend together.

 8. Anticipate the days to drag on. Okay, maybe that sounds contradictory to what I just said about the months flying by. It’s not. Days are different than months. The days…the single hours in a day can be so relentless. Seriously, it’s only 11:15am?! I’ve already changed the sheets because my toddler decided to take off her poopy diaper first thing this morning, and I’ve picked up the blocks 10,000 times already as my feet are gushing blood from stepping on them repeatedly (seriously, who thinks that blocks are kid friendly?!), I’ve changed numerous diapers, fed the kids breakfast and a snack, listened to Daniel Tiger sing “friends help each other, yes they do, it’s true” one too many times, sat down to drink my coffee- only to discover that the toddler was “helping” the baby stand up, found myself actually watching Daniel Tiger and singing along, cleaned pee pee up off of the floor b/c my potty training toddler decided to empty the potty seat into the big potty all by herself…relentless. On and on.

This moment.

9. Schedule. Having a schedule is a lifesaver. I never imagined I’d be a schedule person, but lo and behold it’s kept my sanity intact. I got the two kiddos on the same nap and bedtime schedule as soon as I possibly could. They both take an afternoon nap together and then go to bed at 6:30 p.m. It’s so nice because then I have a few hours in the afternoon and several hours at night to get cleaning done, or just have some nice quiet time with the hubby.

This pic doesn't have anything to do with a schedule. But just look at how little they were!!

10. Realize that schedules will change. Just go with the flow. So maybe that sounds contradictory to what I said above. It’s not really. Yes it’s very important to have a schedule and keep the kids on a routine. But babies are constantly changing. At the very beginning Miss Fits was still taking two naps. Both kids would nap at the same time in the morning and the afternoon. But soon she dropped her first nap. The little guy was still napping 4 times a day. Eventually he went down to 3 naps, and now sometimes he only takes 2. Schedules change. It’s important to realize when they need to change and to be flexible enough to go along with it.

11. Regressive behavior. Everything I read online said that your older child will probably show some regressive behavior with the arrival of your newbie. This is probably true for an OLDER child. But Miss Fits was only 14 months when the little guy came along. She hardly paid him any attention at all. Maybe because she was so young herself? However, I will say that the chances of your firstborn exhibiting jealousy after the first several months is highly likely. It wasn’t until our newbie was 6 months old that Miss Fits really started noticing all of the attention he was getting. She suddenly wanted to start nursing again. In fact, she would cry and throw a fit whenever I would nurse him and beg to have “mama’s milk”. She wanted to be held like a baby, burped like a baby, etc. Anything the baby was doing, she wanted to do. Maybe that’s regressive behavior. But I think it’s more jealousy as she became more aware.

She is clearly too big for this swing that she MUST be in. But since the baby was in it ....

 Also, she's not sleeping. She's pretending.

12. Bath time/bedtime: Our bathtime/bedtime routine changed a lot in the first several months. At first I continued with my firstborn’s normal bedtime routine. She would get a bath, then jammies, read a book, pray, sing a song and into bed. After she was in bed, I would begin the routine with the little guy. But as he got a little bit older and began having a more regular schedule, I started to switch things up. Once he began siting up on his own I began bathing them together. I got a little plastic basket and sat him in that…just to help him sitting up better and keep him in place. Then I was able to wash up my older daughter without worrying about him toppling over. I’d get the older one out first, then the younger, and we’d all go into my older daughter’s bedroom. I’d do the routine with both of them, put my daughter in her crib and then take the little guy to his room, nurse him and put him to bed. As he’s gotten older it’s been easier to do things together. Makes bedtime shorter for me too!

13. As soon as your newbie becomes more mobile it will be a LOT easier. By 6-7 months it seems you can finally take a breathe. The kids will even start interacting more and that’s always so much fun!!

Crawled himself right into the corner!

14. Sleep is for the dead. I always tell myself this…partly because it’s funny, but partly because it seems so true. When you’ve got a baby sleep seems like a rare and precious commodity. Hard to come by. When you’ve got a baby AND a toddler…you learn to survive on very little sleep. When one of those kids is sick….oh boy! You’d better have that coffee IV ready to go. I thought that with my calm and content second child I would have no problems with him sleep. WRONG! My colicky and rambunctious daughter slept better than he does. If this happens to you, just remind yourself that “this too shall pass”. And find the humor in dragging yourself out of bed every 30 minutes throughout the entire night (trust me, once sleep deprivation hits, everything will be funny!)

This is what happens when you doze off...your loving hubby takes a picture of you. How kind.

15. Traveling. My tip is to just not do it! Unless you have some back up, traveling with 2 under 2 is a huge headache. We made a cross country move when the kids were 18 months and 4 months. And to top it off, Miss Fits was terribly sick. AND we drove straight through. It was rough. Absurd really. But we did survive. So if you must travel, bring some help! And bring some activities. And forget about your rule to never let your kids watch t.v. It can be a real life saver on such a looooong trip. We had just received a dvd player for the car, that came with TWO screens. All we had was one dvd of Veggie Tales, but it entertained the kids for quite a while. Yes, even the 4 month old would stare at the screen and be content (and for a baby that screamed when he was in the carseat…it was a real life saver)

16. Potty training: Everyone has their different opinions on potty training-when to start, when the kid is ready, how to do it, how long it takes, etc etc. I will just say that it depends on you and it depends on your kids (yes, kids plural. If your toddler may be ready, but your infant is high needs then it might not work for you to begin training if you can’t spend a lot of time not holding your baby and tending to your toddler). I was determined to not have two in diapers (even though it’s not so bad. Really.), so I went ahead and gave potty training a go. Miss Fits was potty trained by 19 months. So it definitely worked out to our benefit. Of course…it’s crazy trying to potty train AND take care of a baby. But, I’m a stay at home mom, so I definitely had the time. And…I’m always working on my patience, so that helped a lot J

17. Remind yourself you are only one person and it’s okay! There will be moments when both of the kids need your attention at the same time. Just take care of the greater need first. The baby is crying because he or she is hungry, and your toddler just went pee pee in the potty and tried to dump the pee in the toilet all by herself (Yay!). The baby just had a diaper explosion and your toddler found the permanent marker and is heading towards the couch (the couch that isn't YOURS, by the way). Your toddler fell down and wants you to kiss her owie and your baby is currently nursing. The baby is crying and your toddler is throwing a tantrum. These moments will happen. You are only one person. You will figure it all out. Everything will be just fine!

Also remind yourself that your kids are the cutest and nothing else matters!

Pros:

* You don’t really need to prepare your toddler for the new baby. Miss Fits was only 14 months old when Mr. Mellow made his debut. She wouldn’t have understood anyway. I taught her simple things that would be helpful for when the baby was born- the sign for “baby” and what the word “gentle” means. She was also learning how to go get different items. That was a BIG help when the little guy showed up! 

*  Your kiddos will likely grow up to be best friends and playmates!

* They can share most everything- no need to buy new toys and baby furniture. Of course, you will still need to invest in a new crib, high chair and maybe a double stroller.

*   Everyone will comment on how brave (or crazy!) you are.

*   You can get away with a lot because of how sleep deprived you are!

*  You get to do things differently this time. I always joke that the first born is the guinea pig. You really don’t know what you are doing, just sort of winging it. With the second you are more seasoned and things seem a little clearer.

* They are really cute and a lot of fun! 

* You get to see how differently their personalities are- how two kids raised in the same home can be so different! 

Cons:

* You will have 2 in diapers. Not terrible (honestly), but definitely pricey.

 * You will have to carry both of them. My 14 month old was definitely not capable of climbing up or down stairs. Anytime we left the house, they both had to be carried. Same for going into the store, or really anywhere. Miss Fits could walk great- the problem was that she would RUN if her feet hit the ground. She hadn’t quite mastered the task of holding my hand and walking nicely.

 *  People will feel free to make comments and ask questions about your personal life. “Was this planned?”, “You DO know how this happens, right?!”, “You sure have your hands full”, “Are you going to have more?”, “You should stop having kids now. You have one of each”. And on and on. My favorite question is “Are they twins?” Yes, they are twins. We just had this one 14 months before this one. But yes, twins.

* Sleep deprived AGAIN!!

* Losing the baby weight AGAIN!

 *  It becomes harder to go out and do things because one of the kids is always napping

I know there are a lot more tips I can come up with. This is just what’s off the top of my head. And honestly, it’s taken me months to find the time to sit down and get all of this written out. Feel free to add more tips if you’d like! Or ask questions. Or make funny comments. People do it anyway, so you might as well join the ranks!