I wasn't going to write about this. I wanted it to be my own, to hold on to it and not let others know what had happened. But then I was thinking about some of my other posts and I remembered that I had written about being open and honest. I guess I believe that sometimes the joys and pains that we go through in life can often benefit others. To share your struggles and your accomplishments, your trials and your victories, your pain and your joy can really be a benefit to other people as well. Especially those who may be going through the same things.
Anyway, on October 30th I found out that I was pregnant. I actually took 4 pregnancy tests just to be sure! It was exciting news! And while Phil and I both felt super overwhelmed and like we were not prepared at all, we were both very excited. I tried to contain the news to close friends and family, because I knew that things were pretty risky the first couple of months. Of course, word spreads quickly, even if you're trying to contain it. Before we knew it, ALL of our friends and family knew. And it was just so exciting getting to celebrate with people.
I remember telling Phil that I my biggest fear is that I would go to the doctor (for my very first appt) and they would tell me that I actually wasn't pregnant. And it was that very day that I started having horrible cramps and some bleeding.
In an effort to spare all the heartbreaking details, I'll just say that a visit to the emergency room confirmed my fears; I was having a miscarriage.
These last few weeks have been so difficult. I feel this emptiness and this overwhelming sadness at times. It's like...my world has stopped. And it's so weird when I feel like my world is falling apart, but I look around and everyone else is going on living. I feel such pain and heartache.
I lost something so dear to me. I lost something that I wanted so badly. And it hurts so deeply. Wouldn't it be nice if they invented band-aids for the heart? I need a band-aid to cover up this wound.
I'm trying to see the good in this. I'm trying to figure out the purpose or the reason. So far I've come up with nothing. I trust God, and I know that he is good. I know that he loves me and that he has my best interest at heart. I just can't figure out how all of this plays into that.
And I know that miscarriages are common, and that there's nothing I could have done to stop it. I know that it's not my fault, but that over half of all miscarriages are caused by chromosomal factors that are out of our control.
I know all of this. In my head I know these things. But sometimes my head and my heart don't communicate, and sometimes when they do communicate they don't understand each other. In my head I know all of this, but my heart still hurts so badly.
I guess time will help...
