A Struggle with Contentment

Lately I've been doing the one thing that our pre-marital counselor told us never to do. I've been comparing myself to others. I look at my friends and I see that many of them have great jobs- jobs that they love, and jobs that pay well. Some of my friends live in houses-houses that are furnished, houses that have cable and internet. Many of my friends get to go out and do fun things (and take great honeymoons) because they have the money to do so. I look at their lives and I compare it to my life. And I seem to fall way short.

I have been struggling with contentment. I need to stop comparing myself with others, because I have all that I need right here. I am married to my best friend, who absolutely loves me! We have a roof over our head. We are not going hungry. We have everything that we need already.
I can learn a lot from Paul, who writes in Philippians 4 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

I don't know why I continue to compare myself with others. Not just material things, but physically also. You know how girls are...we look at someone that is skinnier than us or someone that just seems to be a little bit cuter, a little bit sexier, put together just a little bit better. We compare and then somehow we are not enough anymore.
This is my struggle these days. I don't know why I do it.

Because I really do have all I need right here.

Adjusting to this new life

Sometimes I still think it's strange to be married. Or rather, that I am married. Most of the time, I'm still unsure how to act as a married woman. It just seems like I'm living with a man now, and nothing is really different. Other than we are constantly around one another. Which has it's good and bad points. :-)
The other morning I woke up and looked at Phil and thought "There is a man in bed. Weird." It's still sometimes strange to me that we live together. That we are married.

Being married is not as easy as I thought it would be. I know that everyone says marriage is hard, and through all the pre-marital counseling sessions we went through (and we went through a lot! I wanted to make sure we did it right), I knew that marriage wouldn't be easy. It's just...I didn't know what it was about marriage that wasn't easy. Nobody came right out and said "this is difficult and this is difficult". I guess it's just one of those things that you figure out for yourself. And maybe it's different for everyone.
Luckily we haven't had any serious difficulties (yet). I think the biggest adjustment for me is being around each other all the time. Living in the same space. Sharing everything. It's the little things. Adjusting to how he does things versus how I do them. And trying not to be annoyed in the process.
I like the bed to be made after we wake up. To me, it just make the room feel cleaner. He could care less. We're just gonna sleep in it again. And when he does make the bed...I find myself getting annoyed at the WAY he makes. Stupid stuff like that. Stuff that doesn't really matter, but everyday stuff.
There are bigger things that we are starting to get into as well. Through all of our counseling, we learned that money is the number one thing that most couples fight about. Well, we are no different. Our spending habits are completely different. And it doesn't help matters that neither one of us have gotten a job yet. So we are also learning how to communicate with one another effectively. Our communication styles are completely different.
It's all just a learning process. And we haven't even been married 3 months yet :-)

Luckily though, Phillip is my best friend. And that's not going to change. He's the sweetest guy I know. He loves me, he cherishes me, and he would do anything to make me happy. He puts up with me and continues to love me even when I'm intentionally being annoying.
What a guy!

‎"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

A Place to Call Our Own

Finally! Phil and I have our own place! It is such an amazing feeling to be able to have a home...a place of our very own. It was nice getting to stay at his parents house for the summer. We pretty much had the place to ourselves. Free internet, free cable, free air-conditioning, and lots of free food. But I still felt like a wandering nomad.
And when we would go to visit friends/family on the weekends, we always had to find a place to stay. Luckily we have amazing friends and family that would let us crash with them, but still...I felt like a nomad.

The apartment hunt was not an easy task. Especially with the budget we have. Amazingly, we were able to snag an apartment that has a decent size living room, a pretty big kitchen, a huge bedroom and plenty of closet space! I still can't believe we got such a great deal on this place. Phil said we should get it because it was unlikely we would find anything with so much space for such a little price. So we did!! And I finally got to open up the gifts we got for our wedding shower....way back in April.
I have yet to use it though, because we haven't actually moved in yet. Phil is still finishing up his internship. This is his last week. And then we will be able to actually reside in our new place! I am extremely stoked for the end of the week!

On a different note...I'm beginning to wonder if this whole nursing thing is not for me. Everytime I enroll for classes, or try to get into a program, something always comes up and I am unable to go through with it. Even now, I am enrolled for my pre-reqs for the nursing program, and I am now unable to pay for the classes. And any payment plan that they offer is still too much at this time. Is this God closing the doors for me to go into Nursing? Is it maybe that there is something else out there for me, something that doesn't require more schooling?
Maybe those are just my desires. It would be lovely to not have to go back to school, but to be able to find my dream job.
Sometimes I wonder if that is even possible.

And so we take the good with the bad. I have a place to call my own, but I'm uncertain about what's to come in the next few days/weeks.

Do dream jobs even exist?

Being a grown up and having responsibilities is a bit scary at times. Currently I am still jobless. However, we have taken on a giant expense that is making me very nervous. We recently got an apartment in Springfield and neither one of us have jobs here yet. Phil is still finishing up his internship for school, so we haven't both officially moved in yet. We're still sort of living between places (which is another headache of its own).
So here we are, both with no income and more and more bills accumulating.

I've been struggling lately with the idea of going back to school. Here is my thoughts on that; I want to go back to school for nursing because I think I would love it, there are tons of opportunities for nursing, and I could do medical missions. However, it's more schooling and I'm tired of school. I went to college for four years and got a Bachelor's. It's completely frustrating that I am not able to use my degree. And that's my beef with Lincoln Christian College. I loved the classes there (well, some of them anyway), the professors were great, and I made some amazing friends. Oh, and I met my wonderful husband there! But I'm struggling to find the practicality in the degree that I got.
All I want right now is to find a job that fits my bachelors degree and also fits my passions. Aside from moving to another country and starting an orphanage or something, I can't even begin to think of what it is I would do.
And I fear that I'm going to be stuck in a mediocre job that I'm over-qualified for and that I absolutely hate. I'm tired of jobs that make me miserable and depressed. I want to find my niche, the place where my passions meet up with the needs in the community.

Is that even possible?

New business, new home?

The past few weeks have pretty much been the exact same thing. I stay home all day while Phil goes to his internship site. I read, I check my email and facebook, I watch some tv, I clean up, once in awhile I'll go run or something. It's all pretty boring.
Phil and I came up with a great idea to ease some of my boredom and to make money. Start my own scrapbooking business. It sounded brilliant! I love scrapbooking, and I love to make money. What better way to utilize those two passions than to make a business of it.
So, I've begun to do the research for this project. Phil gave me a whole list of things that I need to research and figure out before I can actually begin. I told him to just let me loose in hobby lobby and I'd have it all figured out. But, apparently there's a lot more that goes into a business than just simply making the things that I want to make.
I'd prefer he do all the boring business stuff and just let me do the scrapbooking. I'm ready to get to work!

So, that's been my task these last several days. And...I will admit that I've done less research and more buying on ebay. Shhh...don't tell Phil. He probably wouldn't appreciate that too much.
(Just kidding, I have to tell him when I'm buying something).

And now I am in the middle of apartment hunting. We are looking for a place in Springfield, and I have been diligently scouring the internet for open apartments. I'm ready to move NOW! Don't get me wrong, living here is just fine and dandy. But I am so ready to have our own place. And I really want to get to use all of the stuff we got for our wedding shower. It's been like 3 months, and everything is still packed up in its original boxes.
So tomorrow I head to Springfield (without the hubs) to search for a place to call home. Hopefully it will come to pass....!

The Madonna House

I definitely need to start being more productive with my life. Just being lazy and bum-like was fun for a time, but after a few weeks I just start to feel so worthless. I need to have some kind of meaning to my life. I need to be doing something...something that means something.
And so I found a place here in Quincy that works with pregnant woman who need assistance, as well as offers a food pantry, diaper pantry and clothing closet to those in the community. I was instantly intrigued and wanted to offer my services. I called them up, set up a time to meet and then I journeyed to the Madonna House.
Turns out, it's about a 30 minute walk. Google insisted that I walk down 9th street the entire way. I wasn't really sure why, considering that it was on 12th street. I could have just walked down the same street all the way there. But, I thought that Google knew something that I didn't, and I wasn't about to get caught in some kind of scary area.
Well, little did I know that Google was, in fact, taking me through a very scary area.
The further I continued to walk, the more nervous I became. You know you're in a strange neighborhood when men are half naked and pulling heavy objects down the road in wagons. Or when a vehicle is driving down the road, but slows way down when passing you up.
I was walking past this maintenance garage, when all of a sudden I saw this man practically running toward me. He got to the edge of the driveway and started mumbling at me. He stated that "You went the wrong way. You should have gone through the back door." He continued to mumble other things that I could not understand.
I walked away quickly, thinking that I had indeed gone the wrong way. And next time I will not listen to Google. I also decided that next time I will not wear such bright clothing.

I finally made it to the Madonna House, but I was earlier than I had anticipated. So I decided to take a stroll to the next block. Oddly enough, I found the John Wood mansion and log cabin. I decided to walk around. Apparently, one could tour the place. I thought it would be fun for Phil and I to go there someday. But then I realized that it actually seemed quite lame. It was just a big house, probably a little bit bigger than the one I am living in now. They had a tiny store next to the "mansion", and it also doubled as the visitor center. After about 5 minutes I was bored with the place. Plus, it was about 94 degrees outside and I felt I might die of heat exhaustion. So I went to the Madonna House.

The ladies that work there are extremely nice and fun to be around. I decided that the Madonna House could be my new hang out place. I told them that I am not doing anything productive this summer, so I wouldn't mind volunteering any day out of the week. My experience there was fun, and I look forward to going back.

On the walk home, I decided that I would take 12th street the entire way. And I discovered why Google had sent me down 9th street. The two streets were just blocks from one another, yet they were drastically different. While 9th street was complete with houses that all had 'No Trespassing' signs on their doors, unmowed lawns, dingy looking houses and broken sidewalks (not to mention the half naked men pulling heavy objects down the street), 12th Street was filled with Mansion sized houses, freshly manicured lawns, great looking sidewalks and streets that were made of gold. Okay, maybe the streets were not made of gold, but they might as well have been.
And maybe Google didn't intentionally send me down 9th street so I would be aware of the odd and almost tragic difference between streets, but it sure opened up my eyes.

The Pains of Spontaneity

Yesterday I decided to be a little adventurous. I've been cooped up in our tiny living quarters for far too long, and I needed a breath of fresh air. Little did I know that being spontaneous came with a price.

At first, I was just going to walk to the post office. I had a general idea of where it was, so I made myself a bagel sandwich and headed out into the heat. I really had no idea that it was going to be that hot outside. But, I told myself that I was a brave little soul, and that a little heat wouldn't kill me. The workers outside the front door greeted me with a hearty hello. I just grunted and waved, as my mouth was full of bagel sandwich. Later I wondered what they were doing right outside the front door. The empty lot next to the house is being turned into a parking lot, so there are always workers and big trucks out there making lots of noise. But that is the side of the house, not the front. Strange.

So I knew that the Post Office was on 8th street, but I wasn't entirely sure how to get to 8th street. Later I found out that 8th street was just the next street over from the house. So, if I had turned right, instead of left, when I was leaving, I would have been on the street I needed to be on. I guess I should have looked at the street signs a little closer, because I didn't realize that I was on 9th street the entire time. I just kept trudging along in the heat, hoping that one of the streets would turn into 8th. It never did. Finally, I happened to notice that I was on 9th street and that I just needed to walk a block to get to my street of destination.

Once on 8th street, I wasn't sure which way to walk down. Had I passed up the post office, or did I still need to continue walking in the same direction I had been on 9th street? I decided that I just didn't know. So I texted Chacha the address for the post office in Quincy. Chacha is a service that answers your questions through text messages. It can be awfully convenient when you're in a real bind. However, my experience with chacha has been less than ideal. I don't know why I continue to bother with it.
For example, Phil and I were driving to Quincy the other day. All of a sudden, the sky looked very ominous and then it started pouring and lightening and thundering. It was quite scary. I texted Chacha to see if there were any tornados in the area. Chacha texted me back and declared that I was out of questions and that I would have to wait a certain amount of days to ask another question. I thought that odd, considering I hadn't sent them any messages for quite some time. Phil insisted that I text on his phone. I did. And Chacha said that they needed me to answer 4 questions before they would answer my question.
I was quite taken aback. Considering this could have been a life and death situation. I begrudgingly answered their lame questions and finally got my answer. The answer was that there were thunderstorms in the area. That's it?! Obviously there are thunderstorms. We were caught in the middle of it. I just wanted to know if there was a tornado that we should be aware of.

This question asking escapade wasn't any better. Instead of giving me the address to the post office in Quincy, Chacha gave me the addresses of the post offices in all of the surrounding towns. I was thoroughly annoyed.
Finally I just picked a direction and started walking. Luckily I only had to walk about 5 feet, because I was standing in front of the post office the entire time.

After I got my stamps, I decided that it would be a great idea to walk all the way to the mall. From the house, it is a little over two miles. But I was quite a distance from the house. I don't know how far it was, but I can tell you that it was no easy task. I wore these sandals that I thought would be comfortable. And they are pretty comfortable, if you're not trudging in them for miles. By the time I got halfway there, my feet hurt so bad I thought I might cry.
Finally I made it to the mall. I decided that I would take my shoes off, but strangely enough my feet hurt just as bad with them off as they did with them on. I didn't understand it.
I limped around the mall, trying to find the store that I had went there for.
My best friends bachelorette party is next month, and I needed to get her some goodies. Luckily we got a gift card from our wedding, so I was allowed to use that.

After finishing up my shopping, I tried getting ahold of Phil because there was no way I could walk back to the house. Sadly, my phone was dying and I wasn't sure I would get ahold of him. I needed him to pick me up on his way back from work.
After what seemed like an eternity, Phil got the message and headed my way. Another eternity later, and he was there. As I got in the car Phil informed that some punk kid had side swiped him while driving down the road. But Phil was too tired and frustrated to care at the moment and didn't stop.
I was just happy to be off my feet.
And I think the next time I decide to be spontaneous...I will wear more comfortable shoes.

Losing it All

I was reading in Sacred Marriage the other day, when I came across a paragraph that really grabbed my attention;
Godliness is selflessness, and when a man and woman marry, they are pledging to stop viewing themselves as individuals and start viewing themselves as a unit, as a couple. In marriage, I am no longer free to pursue whatever I want; I am no longer a single man. I am part of a team, and my ambitions, dreams, and energies need to take that into account.
-Sacred Marriage (77)

Lately I had been thinking about how, after I got married, I sort of lost my freedom and my independence. I jokingly told my friends that once you get married, you just start losing things; your own bank account, money, friends, freedom, etc. I was joking when I said it, but there was a truth to what I was saying. I did feel like I had slowly starting losing things since I said "I do".
After all, we did get a joint checking account and now we are on a tight budget (especially since Phil is the only one working). I am not allowed to go spend willy nilly, and I have to ask if I can buy things. I can't just go galavanting off with my friends and take random roadtrips. No longer can I spontaneously decide to lave the country and go on a mission trip for a month or two. And right after we got married, we moved to Quincy, which is no where near any of my friends. So, in a sense, I did lose several things after getting married.

But ya know what? I have gained so much more! I married my best friend and I get to spend the rest of my life with a man that makes me incredibly a happy. And after reading the passage in Sacred Marriage, I realized how true it is that the two become one once they are united in Marriage. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. It's great, it's amazing. It's perfect.
It has taken me a while to understand this whole concept of dying to self. But I think that I am starting to understand it more and more each day. The truth of the matter is that it's not about me. It's about US! And I am excited about no longer viewing myself as an individual, but as a unit. As a couple. I am no longer free to pursue whatever I want; I am no longer a single woman. I am part of a team, and my ambitions, dreams, and energies need to take that into account.

The beginning

I am a married woman!
That phrase seems so distant from me, like it's not even true. Sometimes I have to remind myself that, yes, I am in fact, married. I think it just seems like we're not really married because we don't have our own place yet. Or, maybe this is normal and it just takes time to adjust.
But I really do think that once we get our own place, it will seem more like we are a married couple and less like we are still dating and just staying at Phil's parents house for a little bit.

Well, the summer is upon us now. I am trying to figure out what to do with my time. Phil is doing his internship for school, so he is really quite busy. But I, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing to do. For the first week or two, it was fun to just be lazy and bum around our living quarters. I enjoyed sitting at the computer, drinking my coffee and just browsing the internet. It was fun to watch tv whenever I felt like it. And I will admit that I have played Sims periodically because it can be quite entertaining. But now...now I just feel lousy about all of that. I feel like I am wasting away my life when I could be doing something productive and meaningful.

I think that a summer job is in order. I applied at a few places, but I really wasn't interested in getting a job. Now I think that it is necessary for my survival this summer. Without keeping busy, I may just go crazy!

Feeling the Stress of it All

I am currently renting a house in Lincoln. It's totally awesome. I have thoroughly enjoyed living by myself. It's one of the (many) things that I have wanted to do before I get married.

I also have a job that I love. It's ridiculously hard at times, but in the end I still can say that I love my job. However, it's all the way in Champaign. Over an hours drive just to get there.

I didn't realize that the drive would be such a big deal when I took the job. And honestly, I took the job because I had no other options. But... turns out, it is a big deal. Paying over $300 in gas a month has seriously dented my checkbook.

I came to the conclusion that I would go down to part time there and get another part time job in Lincoln (or maybe even Springfield because that's still pretty close). I can't even begin to tell you how many applications I have floating around out there. I have been searching and applying for almost 2 months now. And nothing. I did have one interview, but they did not call me back.

I am beginning to get really stressed about all of this. I have been praying and praying and praying (something that I definitely need to do more of these days).

I also decided that maybe I should just find a roommate who can split the rent with me. That would at least ease part of the burden. I have put ads on Craigslist and so many other roommate websites (kinda weird that they have those...). I have gotten one response. From a guy- 36- who is married and has 2 kids. I thought that was odd. Cause he doesn't intend to move his family in with him. Luckily I still have my sense about me, because there's no way I'm letting a guy move in here with me.

I'm getting nervous because if I don't have another job or a roommate by the beginning of February... I don't think I'm going to have the fundage to continue living here. Ahhh!!!

Also... wedding planning sucks! I'm getting married in roughly 4 months and all I've gotten accomplished is ordering save-the-dates. I have friends that are getting married several months after me and they pretty much have everything planned already.

I just need some help.

Overcome

I wrote this poem as I was (and still am) struggling with issues that are so far out of my control. Sometimes there are circumstances, or changes, in life that are so difficult and that cause so much grief and sadness. Somehow though, I believe that God works in us through the pain and the hurt and the brokenness. For me, it's so hard to see how God is working in my life when I'm going through something painful. All I can see is how hurt I am and it seems like God is doing nothing to help me out. Almost like he has abandoned me in my time of desperation.

This poem was actually comprised of three different poems that I wrote through a period of several months. It kind of goes from a perspective of complete hopelessness and loss- to a period of trying to escape the pain- and then to a more reconciled perspective, where I can finally see the hand of God through the mess of things.

Overcome

Here again in a lonely place

Longing to glimpse a familiar face

The whole in my heart continues to grow

Into the night the tears always flow

This isn’t where I belong

It’s not where I fit in

There’s no familiar song

My soul cries from within

I don’t want to be here anymore

I’m tired of living this lie

Please take this mess away from me

And break this heart of stone

The darkness swoops in and corners me here

All of my peace is replaced by my fear

I struggle to stand as I cry out in vain

No one will know it causes me pain

I’ve been wounded, I’ve been beaten

Deep inside my heart is bleeding

Who could know of this pain inside

No one will know if my soul just died

It’s lonely here and it hurts so bad

I only long for what I once had

The hole that’s my heart will never be healed

I’m stuck in this darkness, alone and so scared

I ran away today

Ran from the pain, just got away

It hurt so bad, it cut so deep

I fell to the ground. I started to weep.

Where can I run to get away from it all

Where do I turn for you to hear my call

Where can I escape this unending pain

Oh God, is all this wailing only in vain

I cried alone today

Cried from the pain. Had no escape

You broke my heart

I built a wall

I fell apart

From it all

A broken heart turned to stone

Inside my fortress all alone

I want to be free

I long to escape

My one desire is for these chains to break

I want freedom from this pain

But without it, there is no gain

A broken mess restored again

A passion revived as hope floods in

This healing has brought a love so divine

I’m no longer broken, I’m no longer blind

In you I can overcome

In you I no longer need to run

With you I’m strong enough to stand

Only in you can I gain the upperhand

Unforgiveness caught me in a snare

Bitterness and anger became all that I could share

Tragedy overtook me as I blamed it all on you

I was damaged, I was broken. I didn’t know what was true

But in you I overcame

Your love has brought the rain

Of healing into my life

I will no longer lose this fight.

Getting Hitched!

Tuesday, November 3rd was my three year anniversary. Phil and I decided that we didn't really have any money so we were just going to be laid back about it. We went to Flat Top in Bloomington (one of my favorite restaurants) and debated whether or not to see a movie. We decided against it and headed back to Lincoln. On the way Phil asked if we could stop at the school. When we got there we went into the coffee shop so he could use the bathroom. As he was going in, he put a note in my pocket.

He wrote that he knew how much I enjoyed scavenger hunts, so that's what we were going to do. (Also, that's the way that Phil asked me to be his girlfriend three years ago. A scavenger hunt that led me to him and then he asked me). The first clue led me to the place where we watched on first movie as boyfriend/girlfriend. The next clue led me to where our 'pet' rock had lived for a very long time. The third and final clue led me to where he had asked me to be his girlfriend. It took me forever to find the last night, but I finally found it. I opened up the note and the ring fell out. He got down on his knees to pick it up and then... dun dun dun, since he was already on his knee he turned a looked up at me and asked me to marry him!

I was so surprised! I think I even asked him if he was serious. And I of course asked him if he had asked my dad. And then I said yes!

It was an awesome three year anniversary.

Now on to the more difficult part of planning a wedding and figuring out all of that stuff that goes along with it.

We have already decided on a date. It will be May 22, 2010. So mark your calendars!

Thanks for sharing in this exciting moment with me!!

Finally a Job

Well I managed to snag a job. And I think, for the first time in my life, I'm really excited about where I'm working. I was hired at the Pavilion, the Behavioral Health System. I am working as a Mental Health Technician. The facility is designed for a number of different programs and needs, and offers comprehensive care to youths, adults and their families. The Pavilion offers inpatient, outpatient and partial hospitalization programs for the treatment of drug, alcohol and psychiatric problems.

I feel blessed to have gotten this job. The pay is pretty decent and I also get benefits, which is something I've never had before. The only downside to the job is that it is in Champaign- which happens to be over an hour away from where I live. I will be driving roughly 2 1/2 hours everyday, which isn't exactly ideal with the winter coming up so quickly. But nonetheless, I am really excited about this job.

For me, this isn't just a job. I am of course there to make money. You cannot survive without money. It's a necessity. But where I'm working now is far greater than just a job to me. It's a passion. And I never thought I'd be passionate about working in an institution. Or a mental health facility, for that matter. But I am. And I'm passionate about this because I know that I am going to get experience working with both kids and adults who are struggling with substance abuse and different types of psychiatric problems.

And because of that, I will be going on a medical mission trip next Summer to Kenya. Heather is leading this trip with a number of co-workers and friends that are all in the medical field. I am excited to be joining this team for a number of different reasons. I'm really looking forward to going back to Kenya and seeing everyone again. There are a lot of people that I wasn't able to say goodbye too because I left so suddenly. It will be nice to be with them again. I'm also excited about this trip because I will have a different medical perspective- that of mental health. I think it will be a great experience and I know I've got a lot to learn before I actually leave. I'm so thankful for this job, because it will give me a better understanding for when I go to Kenya.

I will give a more specific update about Kenya and what we will be doing there when the time gets a little closer. Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

A Pleasant Surprise

As I've already written, I came here as a means of running away. Of course, God had other plans. What I meant to be an escape, God meant to be healing. And God knows best! So while it has been very difficult and trying, I am so grateful for this time here. Not only has it impacted me because I've had to face what's inside of me, it has also impacted me as a missionary. The things I've seen and experienced have challenged me, broken me, and filled my very being with a passion to minister to people, no matter where I am.
I also came here thinking I was getting away for two months. But again, things don't often turn out the way I planned. When the missionary purchased my ticket for me, he made it for the wrong return day. And so... surprise surprise!... I am home at the beginning of October and not the end. Yes, that's correct, I'm home now. I wanted to surprise everyone, and for the most part I have. It's been great!
I'm really glad to be home. I had mixed feelings- I really loved my time there. But I'm also happy to be back. I'm ready to find what's right around the corner from me- to help meet the needs in my own neighborhood- to do what I can for the people that are right here.
Thanks again for all your prayers and also your emails. They were really encouraging and it's something I needed at the beginning of my trip. Also, just because I'm back in the States, it doesn't mean my journey is done. I believe we're all on a journey, striving to live out the passion that is stirring up in us. I will continue to blog about my passions, my struggles and whatever experiences life throws my way.

Also... on an unrelated note- I have a job interview on Monday, and I really hope I get it!!

Here are some more pics from my trip:

Hanging out on the roof with Skylar and Nicole

Playing cards (obviously)

Hanging out with the family... watching Biggest Loser.

A Larger Picture

One of the coolest things about coming back to Peru after 3 years is seeing how the vision of the project has moved along so drastically. When I first came here, the project was in its first year. There was a team of missionary's, some from different countries here in South America, and also a North American couple. They talked about their vision for Trujillo and how they were going to reach both the people living in the barrios and the people living in the city. It seemed like such a huge task- I imagined it would take many many years to reach some of their goals. I left 3 years ago while the project was still mostly an idea.

But now... well not it's clear to see that God has been in this project from the beginning. There have been many setbacks- with some of the members of the team leaving and other in it for the wrong motives. But through all of the trials, Gods Word has prevailed. The project is growing. The teams ahve moved into 6 new barrios, where they will begin training leaders, implement community development where the people in the community become the committee, and get the kids into a sponsorship program so that their families have food, as well as a chance to get an education. Those are just a few of the things that are being done in the barrios.

A church has started in the city as well. I believe it began 2 weeks before I came here. We had a huge parade yesterday, in order to get the word out about it. Apparently parades are a big deal here. If you want people to hear about what you're doing or something you're promoting, then have a parade (as a matter of fact, a parade just went down the street. I don't know what it was for though... but there it went). It was fun and had a pretty good turnout.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday:

These were the little kids in the parade. The boy in the green is Angel (pronounces "ahn-hel"). I met him three years ago. And it was great to see him again.

Kellie and I were the "Gringa" exhibit.

All the "Princessas"

I guess my point in writing this is simply that God has the big picture. We only get glimpses of a small portion. Somtimes we're able to see a little extra. I have been blessed by getting to see a little extra here in Trujillo. I have seen this project go from a big idea that seemed impossible to accomplish, to a project that is impacting thousands of people in and around Trujillo. But more than that... I have seen hope. My last blog was filled with despair. I felt, and still do feel, overwhelmed by the immense poverty here. And I wondered if anything could be done. And while this project has in no way eradicated poverty from Trujillo, there is hope. And it's only fitting that this projects name is "Proyecto Nueva Esperanza", or in English "Project New Hope".

I would also like to tell you about one of the highlights of my time here. I went back to one of the barrios that I, of course, hadn't been to in 3 years. I was just standing there talking with some lady. Suddenly these two girls run up to me. The older one asks me if my name is Sarah. I said yes and she looks back to where some ladies are sitting, just staring at me. She nods yes to them and they all smile and start chatting again. Then the girl hugged me. It was Flor. We had hung out before. Don't tell anyone, but when the teams would come in to do construction projects, I would often sneak off and hang out with the kids. I couldn't believe that she remembered me. It was years ago and there have been so many different Americans that have come here to help out. I was elated. I was humbled. It was one of the highlights of this whole trip.

Me with Flor and her sister (Flor is on the right)

Garbage Dump Life

As we drove around the different barrios, I felt my hope slipping away. These living conditions are horrifying, demeaning and completely devastating. No human being should have to live in such poverty. These little shantys start out with the straw and sticks, sometimes newspaper is used as insulation. The floor, of course, is sand. As they earn a few dollars here and there they are able to buy bricks every now and then. Eventually they will collect enough bricks to put around the outside. These shanty-type houses are often no more than an 8x11 foot space, sometimes small than that. And it is there that whole families must reside.
But what about the bathroom? I always find myself, like most people in the West, wondering where the nearest clean bathroom is. As often happens when living in a place with unclean water, sometimes it becomes necessary (urgent even) to run to the bathroom. But in the barrios the nearest bathroom is simply behind your house. You go outside, do your business and then cover it up with sand. You don't have to be in the medical field to know that that's not sanitary- that that's how diseases are spread.
In some barrios though, there is an actual toilet. usually just one though, for the whole community to share. But even that one toilet is a rare commodity. And what happens when you have bad diarrhea in the middle of the night? These are the living conditions in the barrios. But it gets worse. Would you believe it if I told you that the barrios were a step up from the way that many people live here?
We were leaving one of the barrios where we had put in a type of septic system for the only toilet there. Jaime wanted to show us the garbage dumps. We drove around for awhile looking at various dumps with heaps and heaps of trash. People just dumped wherever, they just threw their trash wherever they saw fit. At first I was really frustrated. Why do people just throw their trash wherever they want to? Why isn't somebody doing something about the massive piles and piles of garbage? These people could live much better lives, with less sickness and disease if they weren't dumping their trash next to their homes.
Those were all the thoughts going through my head at first. But then... I began to realize that without the dumps a lot of people would die. People scrounge for food through all of that trash. And some people will collect different things to hopefully sell for a small amount of money. I even noticed that some people live in the garbage dumps. Can you imagine living in garbage? Having your children born and raised in a dump? Allowing them to romp through it, not just to play, but to survive? This is their way of life. These people are doing just that. When a new load of trash comes in, people fight each other for it.
Now if that doesn't make you want to weep, I do'nt know what would. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know how to wrap my mind around it. I don't want to become desensitized to it all. Yet how do I have compassion without my heard breaking to pieces? But something has to be done. This was never God's intention. And as much as it breaks my heart to see it, I know it hurts God so much more. Those are his children suffering and pilfering through trash in order to survive. Something has to change. What can possibly be done? Who can help them? Compassion is one thing, but compassion with action is only pity. And pity gets us nowhere.

I see them playing among the broken glass
And searching for food in the piles of trash
Their clothes are tattered and they're covered in sand
A baby among them, to young to even stand
Dirt covered faces and lice infested hair
They scour the trash piles with feet that are bare
They wrestle each other for a black piece of bread
The obvious winner decides to share it instead
One by one they grab a tiny piece
Their eyes light up as if it's a giant feast
Some eat it quickly out of excitement or fear
But some save it for later, it needs to be shared
These children are young, no older than five
Born into these dumps with a need to survive
Too poor for education, no hope for success
This cycle of poverty is a never ending process
From generation to generation the same families exist
Is it only to toil and suffer and perish?

Something that blows my mind about all of this is that the majority of the people in the city have never been to the barrios. They are oblivious to the way these people live... and they only live a few miles apart. It makes you wonder, what's right around the corner from where I live that I am completely oblivious to?

Unredeemed

I saw the lyrics for this song by Selah, and everything just seemed to fall into place. It all just made a little more sense, became a little bit clearer. We all go through painful times in our lives, and everything affects everyone differently. But it doesn't mean the pain isn't the same.
Healing is such a slow process, slower than we would like it to be. But it's in that process that God will ultimately make us stronger. It's through the healing process that we are then able to reach out to those around us, who may also be struggling.

Selah: Unredeemed

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Burning Bush

I've always thought that Moses had it easy. Because of the burning bush experience, he knew exactly what he was called to do. I've longed for my own burning bush time and time again. If God would just give me a sign then I would know what He wants of me and I would do it!

Why can't I get a Burning Bush like Moses? And then I read the story again. This time I understood it a little differently. The burning bush wasn't a sign for Moses so he would know what God wanted him to do. The burning bush was nothing more than an attention getter- so Moses would stop long enough to listen to what God had been telling him for so long.

God had been tugging at the heart of Moses for many many years. But Moses was running- he was scared. When Moses came across the burning bush he stopped and opened his heart to God. It was then that He was able to hear what God had been saying all along.

I don't want a burning bush. After understanding the implications of one, I'd rather not have one. My desire is that my heart is always open to God. I long to hear His words, to know His heart and His desire for my life.

I don't want to run away from Him, I don't want Him to have to catch my attention with a burning bush, or a mission trip to South America, or anything else. I simply want to listen to Him and know where He is directing me.

On a completely unrelated note.... Here are some pictures for those of you who want to see my face again :)

Breakfast with the ladies- after a Baptism in the Ocean!

Going out to sea..

.

Hanging out with the... birds?

Time wounds all heals

It's only been a week and already so much has happened. Not necessarily with what I've been doing here, but with what has been going on inside of me.
After getting here and settling down, I realized that part of the reason I came here was simply to run away from the things that were making me sad and causing me such pain. Don't get me wrong, I also came because this is my passion. Afterall, I did go to school for this. I just know that God had his hand in this in more ways then I could have ever imagined.
I'm going to share a bit of my story because I believe that honesty and openness brings healing. And I no longer want to wear a mask that covers my feelings and all of my emotions. God created us to be emotional beings and he created us to be in community. So I'm going to share my feelings with this small community of people who may be reading this.

I left Africa feeling hurt and confused and very angry. I knew that coming back was the right thing to do, but it was still frustrating to me. I finished up my internship at a homeless shelter, but it's not what I wanted at all. From the beginning I had a bad attitude about it and I let that ruin the whole experience.
But instead of dealing with the issues that were actually bothering me- like the lady at the Mission tried to get me to do- I simply kept it all in and became pretty bitter and more upset. I thought maybe time would heal the wounds I had. But after awhile I just felt so unhappy. Leaving Africa, interning at a place I didn't enjoy, and finishing school without figuring out what I really wanted to do with my life... it all just really got to me. But more than that I was really struggling with trying to piece together my broken heart. I felt like nothing would ever be the same again.
I didn't want anyone to know that I really wasn't okay. So I just put on my "everything's perfect" mask. Only my pillow knew how I truly felt as I often cried myself to sleep, stifling my sob so no one else would hear. I am sure that some people knew that I wasn't really okay- at least those closest to me. But still I was pretending. I think mostly I was trying to trick myself into thinking I was fine.
I just felt like I needed to get away. Or, more accurately, I wanted to run away. I thought that if maybe I was someplace else, busy doing other things, that I wouldn't think about it and all would be great. Boy was I wrong! I really like how God sometimes lets us run with our ideas only to have it be the opposite of what we expected. God is so awesome because he knows exactly what we need and he'll even use our clumsy and misguided plans to teach us.

So, I came to Peru thinking I was escaping things back home, only to find that God had other plans. Now, instead of being busy and forgetting all my worries, I've had so much downtime and so much time to simply think.
Plus, I'm in another culture all by myself. Which can make it a little bit lonely at times. So there... it was just me and my thoughts/feelings alone with God.
How funny You are Lord!
This week has been really painful as I've faced all the things I've run from for so long. But it has also been good because this is exactly what I have needed. I've really been praying and reading God's word and simply listening. It's a slow process, but I'm so thankful for it. I came running away, but ultimately God's purpose was for healing.

Final Destination

Well I finally made it last night. I wasn't sure if I would ever get here. It seemed like it took nearly forever. That long layover in Miami was just ridiculous. But somehow I managed through all the different airports.
The host family that I am staying with is just awesome. They are easy to talk to and make me feel so comfortable. I'm so grateful that they have opened up their home to me. They actually just moved here from Arizona about five months ago. The funny thing is that they were on one of the short term trips that I helped organize here three years ago. They came back the next two years also and decided that they wanted to be missionaries. Everything just sort of fell into place and here they are.
I can hear them downstairs right now learning the language. Every morning their Spanish teacher comes over and they study for several hours a day. I think I may have to join them later.

I am so blessed because I have access to the internet and also a free phone. Yes, that's right... FREE! That means anyone can call me if they would like. It's an Arizona number, so if you call from your cell it will be free, but if you call from a home phone it will be like calling to Arizona. But who has landlines anymore, right? Here is the number: 623-444-2964
If someone else answers (which I'm sure they will because I'm not about to answer someone else's phone. How awkward would that be?) then just ask for me.

Well, I am about to leave now. I am going to the barrio with Danell this morning. Just jumping right in. Just what I love!!

Thank you for your prayers!

Sarah