Will You Trust Me?

As our last days in Texas are drawing to a close, the reality of leaving the States has really hit hard. These last few months have been a serious test of faith as doubts have laid a heavy burden on our hearts. At first it appeared that the doubts were about God's calling on our lives. But through prayer and wise counsel we have realized that the doubts are really about our own strengths and abilities. It's a unique position to be on the verge of something so completely life-changing. Many have experienced these moments months, weeks and days before getting married. Is this really who I should marry? Will I be able to spend the rest of my life with this person? These moments also happen for new parents, or even second and third time parents. Will I be able to take care of a tiny helpless little person? Can I add another member to the family without losing my sanity and without neglecting my other kids? Will I have enough love and attention to go around?

Everyone faces these types of situations, these questions and doubts. We have to choose to embrace the uncertainty of it, relying on God to calm our anxious hearts and lead us in the right direction. Even if that direction is hard and uncomfortable and not always what we want to do at that time.

For me, the reassurance of God's plan has come through a number of sources over the last few months. When I was in the throes of terrible doubt and questioning whether or not we should even continue in this direction, God was using people in my life to let me know that this IS what we should do and that He was not abandoning us. Why does it sometimes feel like we are all alone in this journey, when God is always right by our side?

In one of my previous posts, I wrote about how different songs tend to be my theme song for a period of time. Well lately my song has been Oceans by Hillsong. When I was telling my very amazing friend about my struggles and not being sure if we should even go to the mission field, she told me that God often uses songs to tell her things and suddenly the song "Oceans" by Hillsong popped into her head. She said that she had to look up the lyrics because she didn't really know that song. And when she did, she said she immediately knew it was the perfect lyrics for me right now.
In that moment I knew that God was giving me the reassurance that we were headed in the right direction. And I felt like He was asking me "Will you trust Me?" But, like Gideon, I needed another sign. I told God I wasn't convinced and I continued to beg him to change His mind.

Then, while in chapel one Friday, someone spoke about the struggle they had gone through on the mission field. It was a long story, but the final point to his message was that God wants you to focus on being, not on doing. He has the resources and can do this.
Again I knew that God was telling me that He would take care of me. If I would just choose to follow Him and trust Him, He would take care of everything.

Unlike Gideon, I still was not convinced. I think it was more stubbornness. This isn't what I wanted to do anymore.I kept thinking of all of the difficulties. Of raising a family with no support. Of being in a foreign country and not knowing anyone and not understanding the language or the culture. I couldn't stand the thought of our kids not seeing their grandparents and uncles regularly. My heart was already breaking and I just didn't want to continue. But I still felt that tugging and God asking "Will you trust Me?".

And then one day something from our home church in Indiana popped up on my newsfeed on facebook. It was a sermon called God Has Bigger Plans For Your Life Than You Do. He talked about how taking a risk for God can be really scary because we can't see the outcome. But if we will just trust God and follow Him, the blessings He has in store for us are going to be amazing. Just like His blessings for Abraham.

That really convicted me. And as if that weren't enough, ANOTHER thing from that church popped up in my newsfeed. This time it was a blog. It was about Clarity vs. Trust. Again with the trust thing, God? Yes, of course! If it's going to take me fleece after fleece after fleece to fully and truly know that God was indeed calling us to this mission field, then yes, another message on trust was absolutely necessary. God knows me.

I know I have written about my struggle with going before. And I hope I'm not being redundant as I go back and forth with knowing what God has called us to but being uncertain about it at the same time. But in an effort to be blatantly honest about this journey, I must admit that I often feel bipolar with all of this. It's a daily battle. And I have often felt alone in my struggle because I haven't heard other missionaries in this stage talk about how they often just didn't want to go. 

But it doesn't really matter if others have faced these same struggles at the same time and same stage as I have. It is through these struggles that I have been drawn closer to God. It is because of these struggles that I have been praying more earnestly, more passionately, more honestly. And it is through these struggles that God has shown me how much I desperately need Him. He is also teaching me about trust. And trusting in God is so important.

So yes, I will probably continue to have this daily battle of not really wanting to leave. But I know that we will leave. And I am trusting that God has something far better in store for me and my family. So God, in answer to your question, Yes. Yes I will trust You. Yes I do trust You.

And ya know what...I'm kind of excited too.