Interracial Marriage

My hubby has been asking me to write about my own perspective of being in an interracial marriage for quite some time, so….I decided to give it a go.

I must be honest though, and say that I don’t really feel like there is much to write about. I mean, honestly I don’t have anything to compare it to. Phillip was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first everything. I’ve not been married to a white guy- so really I have no comparison. Being in an interracial marriage is normal to me.

With that said, I’m certain I have learned a multitude of things from being with someone from a different culture. But I also believe that any marriage consists of two different cultures coming together and learning to live and live well together. Unless, of course, you’re marrying your brother or sister, in which case you would be coming from the same culture and….gross! But the chances of that are pretty slim, I’m guessing.

Here are the things I have learned from my marriage (which just so happens to be interracial):

1.    Different does not mean bad, or wrong: There are a plethora of things that Phillip does differently that I do. At first it drove me crazy! Why do you stay up all night and sleep in all morning?!  Why won’t you use a flat sheet?! That’s my favorite part of the bedding. How can you stand putting barbeque sauce on EVERYTHING? Is my food so bland? And what do you mean, you aren’t a coffee drinker? I don’t even understand what you’re saying. What I have learned is that it’s just different. It’s not a bad thing. And over the years, we have sort of taken the best from both worlds. We both now stay up late and get up early. Okay, so that compromise is actually pretty silly, because that means we really don’t get much sleep. But…it’s just different…not wrong! And he compromised and now sleeps with a top sheet. Though, to be completely honest, it always ends up in a crumbled mess at the bottom of the bed. But, it’s there! And as far as the food thing goes, Phillip has taught me the importance of spices. He still uses barbeque sauce on everything, but it’s not because my food is bland! And coffee…well, let’s just say that I converted him!

2.    Expectations may not be met: Everybody goes into a marriage with their own expectations of the marriage, their spouse, and their own role. What typically happens is that we don’t let the other person in on our expectations, and so when those expectations aren’t met…well, dangerous things can happen. You can quietly brew to yourself about how you married such a jerk, you can take it out on your spouse by showing your frustrations and annoyance, or you can just talk through it. At first I chose the first two. Because I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t understand that I was feeling frustrated with him for not meeting my expectations….my unspoken expectations. In the course of our 4 years together we have had to hash out some of these things. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. We both need to know what we expect from each other and what we expect from ourselves.

3.    Uniqueness doesn’t keep us together: I honestly believed that because Phillip and I were so unique (ya know…the whole interracial thing), we had one up on every other “normal” relationship. I took pride in how different we were and believed that our difference made us special. I really don’t know why I thought that way. Maybe it was the newness of it all. Maybe it was the romantic in me. After all, we were going against the grain, defying society, our parents, the norm (okay, we weren’t really doing any of those things, but it seemed like it to me). The uniqueness of our relationship wasn’t going to keep us together. The Grace of God would.

4.    Time is relative: Before I married Phillip I thought I was always late. And maybe I was late to places on occasion. But what I have discovered in my 7 years with this man and his family is that time has become relative. My first experience with this was the first time I went to his family’s church. Church started at 10:30. We were leaving the house a few minutes after 10:30. And it wasn’t just down the street. Oh no…it was 20 minutes away! My other experience with this is the movies. I love getting to the movie theater early. I need to pick my perfect spot, settle into my seat with all of my snacks (that I…uh, snuck in) and watch every single preview (the previews are the best part!). My first experience with seeing a movie with Phillip’s family…we left the house at about the time the movie was starting. Of course, we made it just in time to see the start of the show. BUT I missed my precious previews. I didn’t get to stop at the dollar store and buy snacks to sneak in. And I wasn’t in my perfect spot!

Over time though, we have adapted to each other. We are typically late (fashionably late, of course) to places- which has gotten worse since we’ve had children. BUT we are always early to the movies!

5.     I’m not going to change him: It’s true. Most women marry men believing that she can change the annoying/frustrating things about him. And most men marry women believing that she will never change. Both are flat out wrong! We can’t change our men. Of course, that doesn’t mean that God can’t. And if it’s something that seriously needs changing, then that is God’s domain. It’s taken a lot of complaining and mounting frustrations for me to realize that I’m not going to change Phillip. But ya know what…those annoying quirks have a way of coming full circle. What I mean is, when we first met, those things were kind of cute. I didn’t mind them so much. It made me laugh. But then, after some time, it became more and more obnoxious. Like nails on a chalkboard that just starts to grate on your nerves over time. But then…somehow, someway, it becomes funny and cute again. And then after some time…. Full circle. It’s a cycle I like to call love. The point is, I’m not going to change him. And that’s okay.

6.    He’ll miss it when I’m dead: In the same way that Phillip has annoying qualities about himself, I also have annoying things about me (shocker, I know!). Every time I do something that is completely bothersome to Phillip (unintentionally of course. Always unintentionally), I like to tell him that when I die and he’s telling stories about me at my funeral, he will share these little frustrating nuggets of my personality with a smile of adoration and fondness. He will tell them that “Sarah used leave half empty cups of coffee all of over the house. And she always had to smell her food before she’d eat it”. He’d also say that I would never put the clothes away after I folded them and we constantly had to dig through baskets of clothes to find something to wear. He might also say something about how I cry at the slightest hint of an argument about to take place, or make jokes when I’m nervous, or accidentally use “baby talk” at awkward and inappropriate times. These are things that are annoying to Phillip, but I know he’ll miss it when I’m dead.

7.    He’s my number 2: We have a running joke about how we are each other’s number 2. But it’s also very true. God is my number one. He is the most important thing in my life. Phillip is my number two, and the children are next in line. Of course, in my fallen human state I often get these out of order. I have a hard time with not putting the kids before my husband. I know this is wrong and I try desperately to realize when I’m doing it. But it’s hard. They are so needy and I have to do almost everything for them. Phillip is pretty independent, and doesn’t require my constant attention. But that doesn’t mean I can neglect him. It’s important to remind myself often that he is my number 2!

8.    We make adorable babies: I’m not gonna lie. Mixed couples tend to make the cutest babies. Call me biased, I don’t care! My two kiddos are the cutest in the world (again…I may be biased). And any other children we have will fall into that same category.

9.    Kids bridge gaps: It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you have with parents or in-laws (and sometimes with interracial marriages, there are family members that largely object), once you pop out that first grandbaby those relationships will start to mend. Kids are the saving grace to those relationships. No wonder God said children are a blessing!

10.  Take everything with a grain of salt: While it’s true that in our 4 years of marriage we have lived in places that seem to be full of mixed couples and thus have not experienced many snide remarks or sideways glances, this will not always be the case. And, in fact, when we first started dating we did experience a lot of opposition. But it was mostly from people that just didn’t understand, hadn’t been face to face with a mixed relationship and were just concerned about the unique issues we would most likely face. In my young naïve mind, I felt like everyone was against us because I was white and he was black. I felt like I was rebelling, going against the grain and that through our relationship we would take on the world and change everything. Looking back now, I can see that people, mainly family members, were just concerned. They didn’t want us to experience unnecessary heartache and setback. If I could go back, I would learn to take their comments and concerns to heart, though with a grain of salt. It’s important to hear the concerns of our parents and those closest to us, to understand where they are coming from and why they feel the way they do. But it’s also important to not put their biases (if that’s what it is) on your relationship. Some of their concerns may be valid, but some of them may not.

This, of course, is for all relationships, not just interracial ones. The concerns of our loved ones are usually pretty valid. They can see things differently than a newly love struck couple can.

As I read back through these, most of them really have nothing to do with being in an interracial relationship, but can apply to marriage in general. But again, I have no other experience to relate it to. I guess I would say that being in an interracial marriage is probably pretty similar to being married to someone of the same race, but you are just more aware of your differences because you clearly come from different cultures. Most people in same race marriages have many differences, but may not realize it's a cultural thing because they don't associate the same race coming from different family cultures.

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But I will say that one of the most important things to us as a couple is to share our cultures with our children. We want them to know that they come from two different cultures. We want them to know the good and the bad of both. We want them to know why it’s so neat and unique that they are here in this world, because there was a time when a white woman and black man getting married and having children would not have been allowed. We want them to know their identity from both races, but to ultimately find their identity in Christ.

We also want to teach them the importance and uniqueness of different races, but not to have a bias against different skin colors. Our children will also be in interracial marriages one day, so it’s important that we set a good example.