Monday, February 3, 2014

Theme Songs for Life

I like to categorize my life into different titles; different themes. Usually revolving around a song that really just seems to sum up my life (or so I thought. I tend to be a bit on the dramatic side, so a lot of my themes seem overly dramatic as I look back on them). I'm sure I'm not the only one that does this, right? Right?! I've done this since I was in high school. The theme for my life back then was "Don't let me get me" by Pink. Yeah...

When I lost my grandma, a classmate and a neighbor all in the same year my theme for that time was "Walk by Faith" by Jeremy Camp. It hurt. A lot. But I knew that God was still there and He was still in control. Even if I couldn't see it, I could trust it. I had faith that he would heal the brokenness. And in time He did.

In college I went through a series of many different themes. I feel like my college years was when I was really trying to find myself. Most of my college years themes had to do with relationships (or rather, lack of relationships) and my frustrations in that area. Again...I have a flair for the dramatic, so don't be surprised when I say that my two back to back themes were "The one I'm waiting for" by Relient K and "Scars" by Papa Roach (hey, I never said they were great songs/themes!"). I really liked this guy, and hoped he could turn into the one I was waiting for. It broke my heart when things didn't turn out the way I longed for them too. It also made me angry. Hence the Papa Roach song.

The song "Who I am hates who I've been" from Relient K (I was really into Relient K) was a big theme for quite awhile. It's when I was going through a period of needing God's grace over and over because every single day I was failing miserably. I knew I was sinning, yet I continued to do it. It was a difficult battle. And it lasted a long time. Thankfully God doesn't give up on us like I sometimes think he should.

When I was dating my now husband, my theme for that time was "Love Story" by Taylor Swift. It was a bittersweet time in my life. I was deeply in love with this man, yet we faced many obstacles as our families were less than thrilled about us being together. Eventually it all worked out for the good. God is pretty awesome like that. But it took time.

I have changed a lot since my college days. I have grown in my faith and truly discovered the woman that God has meant me to be. I have a lot of growing to do still, obviously. But I no longer question my identity and wonder who I am or where I am going. Parts of my journey are still a mystery. But my overall identity is clear. And my overall mission in life is clear too. God has called me higher. He has called me deeper...deeper than my feet could ever wander.
And this leads me to my theme songs for my life right now. Two of them, yes. I'm getting greedy in my upper 20's age.
"Oceans" by Hillsong is a song that permeates through to my very core. I feel like this song was written for me. The part that really speaks to me is this:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
Let me walk upon the waters 
Wherever You would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger
 In the presence of my Savior

The other song is "You have called me Higher" by All Sons and Daughters. I've been struggling desperately with where I know the Lord is calling me to serve. You can read more about that here.
God knows my heart. I share my struggles with him daily. I also know that he cares deeply for me. That is why I trust him with my very life. That's also why I know he gives me gentle reminders like these songs to help me see things a little more clearly.
As I was sitting in church a few weeks ago I was being brutally honest with God. I told Him I wanted to say no to His calling. I wanted to stay and not go. These are things He already knows. But I felt like I needed to share them with Him again. Emphatically. Then one of the members of the worship team began singing this song. It broke me. It was just what I needed to hear.
Sometimes I need God to be brutally honest with me as well.

Here are the words that brought me to my knees and made me realize how desperately I need God. And how much I desire to serve Him....wherever He is calling me.

I could just sit 
I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness
Hope to feel Your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me

And I will be Yours, oh
I will be Yours for all my life

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