Because I Don't Want to be Swallowed by a Big Fish

"I could never do that! You must have a lot of faith!" I can't tell you how crazy this statement, or similar versions of this statement, makes me.

This is me being transparent:

If it were up to me, I would not be uprooting my family and moving to another planet (okay, Africa is not another planet. But as far as other people are concerned, it may as well be). If it were up to me, I would not leave my friends and family- uncertain of when I may see them again. If it were up to me, I'd stay in the comforts of my own home, attending my own church, and enjoying life where it's oh so familiar. If it were up to me.

This is something I've wrestled with for some time now. And to be completely honest, it's a daily battle. There are moments of panic and heartache, when I tell God that this isn't what I want. I'm not cut out for this. What about my family? What about the life we have here? What about the needs in THIS neighborhood?
I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this from me.
You see...this is difficult. The most difficult thing I've ever had to do (and I haven't even done it yet!).

So what propels me onward? I don't want to be swallowed up by a giant fish! Okay, well that's not exactly right. There is some truth to that, in that I don't want to be disobedient to God. After all, isn't that what the story of Jonah is all about? God wanted him to go, but Jonah didn't want to. He wasn't interested in doing that. He wanted to do something else. Ultimately, though, God's plan for an entire nation rested on Jonah's obedience to just go. So yeah, obedience does drive me (and the fear of living in the belly of a fish!) but it's bigger than that.

What really keeps me heading toward ministry in another country? God does. As I've wrestled with this over the last several months, God has really opened my eyes to some truths. A big question I have to ask myself is "Who am I trying to please?" Am I trying to please my friends/family, my own self, or God? It's a serious question that deserves a lot of thought. And while I love my family dearly and want to do what makes them happy, they are not my priority. No, I am not trying to please them. If I were...I would be pulled in so many different directions. Yes, I need to take their opinions and concerns into consideration. Often God will use those closest to us to steer us in the right direction. But ultimately, I do what I do because of my desire to please and serve God.

I could tell God no. I know that He would still love me, and we could continue to grow in our relationship. After all, He did create us with a free will. But I would be missing out on some amazing blessings. When we say yes to the plans God has for us, immense blessings are in store for us. I don't mean blessings of health and wealth and a lifetime of happiness and good fortune. I mean the blessings of God and his power and promise to provide everything we need.

Part of my problem is the constant need to rely on God. We are currently living on support right now. That means that we have absolutely no financial security on our own accord. Monthly we trust the Lord to provide (through our supporters) for our needs. And right now we are waiting on God to provide us with 100% of our support AND $15,000 in one time costs by the beginning of next month. The anxiety, the fear, the doubts and the questions that are coursing through my mind is exhausting. What if we don't get the money? Does it mean God is closing the door on this? Is he just postponing it? What would we do in the meantime? Where would we live? How would we pay for the things we need? Would our supporters stop supporting us?
These questions are constantly racing through my mind.

But even through this God is teaching me some of His truths. I need to rely on Him. I need to give Him control of everything. I need to trust Him. Whatever the outcome, I just need to trust Him.

So when people say things like "I could never do that", I want to say "Neither could I!" Because the truth is, I can't do it. But I trust God to do it through me. I am learning to trust Him with my very life and trust that He has great plans for me and my little tribe.