Missing Home

I need to be honest. This new life of ours is much harder for me to adjust to than I thought it would be.

I thought that getting rid of our stuff and moving out of our own place would be an adventure. I imagined it like any mission trip I have been on- exciting, fun, adventurous. But, unlike all of the mission trips I have been on, there was an end in sight. It was easy to go and do difficult things because I always knew that I would get to come back home. I would get to settle back into my routine, be comfortable in my surroundings, and feel safe in my own environment.

And all of a sudden, I realized that there is no end in sight. There is no assurance that I will get to come back "home" and feel safe and secure and comfortable. We are beginning this new life, and it scares me to the core. I think, if I weren't so confident that the Lord was leading us in this direction, I would just abandon the whole thing. I would throw my arms up and say "Forget it! Forget all of it!". I'm comfortable where I am at. I love having my own home, and I enjoy the privacy of living with just my husband and daughter.

Deep inside I feel a mixture of emotions. I feel sad, like I am mourning a loss. And I also feel hopeful. Hopeful of what's to come and the change that is happening. I feel constricted. There's always an etiquette you must stick to when you are a guest in someone's home. It's different at your own house. You can behave how you want, dress how you want, and live according to the rules you set for your home. When you are a guest you don't get that privilege. It's strange being a permanent guest. It's a little constricting.
I also feel free. In a different sense. We have less responsibility. Less "stuff". Less things to get distracted by. We are focused. On point with what really needs to get done. It's so freeing to live like this.

This is an adjustment. And it's going to take lots of time to figure it out. I'm not just going to be okay with all of this overnight. But the Lord is so good to us. And He isn't going to abandon us after we have taken this giant leap of faith. He is always faithful! It brings to mind the lyrics of that song "Day after Day":

Day after day our God is reigning

He's never shaken, my hope is in the Lord

Time after time our God is faithful

Trustworthy Savior, my hope is in the Lord

While I may struggle with not having a permanent home, I can rest in knowing that a structure does not determine 'home' for me. Home for me is where my family is. Home for me is the comfort I get from knowing that God is continuously providing. Home for me is the love that comes from my husband, and the cuddles I get from my baby. I may miss my structural home, but I've got everything I need right here with me.

On a side note: Go ahead and pray that you won't get too comfortable where you are, and see where God leads you!