Oops, we did it again!

Our 3^rd little bun is currently cooking in my oven. I can’t say that it was a complete shock, because for some reason I just sort of knew. When I was finally able to take a test, I already knew what it would say. In an instant it read “pregnant”.

I was elated. Scared beyond reason, but absolutely thrilled. It’s weird how you can experience two almost contradictory emotions at the same time, about the same thing.

I am so excited to have another baby. I love kids. I love having my own kids. I adore being a mother and I’ve always wanted to have a big family. Having three kids is going to be so much fun!

But I’m also terrified for a number of reasons. First, having 3 kids is going to be a lot of fun, but having 3 kids under the age of 3 is going to be ridiculously hard! Secondly, we will be living in a foreign country without family or friends to lean on for support. I’m not thrilled about having my baby in France, mostly because I’m unfamiliar with how they do things there. And it’s scary to think of moving to Africa with 2 toddlers and an infant.

I can only imagine the difficulties of raising a small family in a country I’ve never been, in a culture I’m unfamiliar with, and a language I’m just really beginning to learn. Not to mention that we won’t know anyone when we get there. What.were.we.thinking?!

But nevertheless, this is happening. It’s real. There is a tiny person growing inside of me, squirming around and pushing against my abdomen. It’s amazing. It’s a miracle. And I’m beyond blessed.

And I’m pretty certain I’ll never run out of things to write about for my blog! Of course, I may not have the time or the energy, but I’ll surely have stories!

Baby Kemp #3 is due to arrive on January 21^st, 2015!

Without a Home

As we packed up our belongings and said goodbye to Texas, we also said goodbye to our home. To a place we could call our own. Driving across the country, we began to realize that we were nomads. We had made plans to stay with different family members and to be on the road in a new place every single week. The idea behind this decision made sense at the time; we were going to be visiting family and friends and saying goodbye to many people. Some of these people we won’t see again for years.

But it’s hard. I think, mostly for me, it’s hard because of the kids. I have always strived to make them comfortable, to provide a stable and consistent home life, to have structure and routine. But that’s almost impossible when you are living at someone else’s house, when you have to almost fit yourself and your kids into other people’s schedules, when your babies are sleeping in a different place every week.

It’s hard because people that don’t have children also don’t have homes that are baby proof. No fault of their own, of course! But it makes things just a little bit more difficult as we have to constantly be redirecting the children, telling them not to touch that, and physically moving them away from areas that might be a little dangerous. And can I be just a little selfish right now and say that, as a pregnant mom, it’s utterly exhausting! I miss my own home that was completely baby proof, where I had the option of sitting down for a few minutes while the kids roamed around and were able to play anywhere without the potential of harming themselves.

As a mom of two active little ones….I miss our baby proof home.

But then I have to think about what’s really important. Sometimes I like to believe that getting what I want and not being so exhausted is really important. But again, that’s really just me being selfish. What’s really important is to be able to visit with our families. For the kids to know their grandparents and their grandparents to get to build special bonds with these two precious kids. It’s important for us to get to see our supporters and thank them in person for what they have allowed us to do so far, and what they will allow us to do in the future. It’s important to visit with friends that we haven’t seen in a while. It’s all so very important because these people mean the world to us and it will be years before we get to see some of them again.

So yes, it’s hard. It’s hard not having a home. It’s hard without a routine for the kids. It’s hard sleeping in someone else’s bed every week. But oh is it worth it! We are certainly cherishing the moments we get to visit with the people we love.

Will You Trust Me?

As our last days in Texas are drawing to a close, the reality of leaving the States has really hit hard. These last few months have been a serious test of faith as doubts have laid a heavy burden on our hearts. At first it appeared that the doubts were about God's calling on our lives. But through prayer and wise counsel we have realized that the doubts are really about our own strengths and abilities. It's a unique position to be on the verge of something so completely life-changing. Many have experienced these moments months, weeks and days before getting married. Is this really who I should marry? Will I be able to spend the rest of my life with this person? These moments also happen for new parents, or even second and third time parents. Will I be able to take care of a tiny helpless little person? Can I add another member to the family without losing my sanity and without neglecting my other kids? Will I have enough love and attention to go around?

Everyone faces these types of situations, these questions and doubts. We have to choose to embrace the uncertainty of it, relying on God to calm our anxious hearts and lead us in the right direction. Even if that direction is hard and uncomfortable and not always what we want to do at that time.

For me, the reassurance of God's plan has come through a number of sources over the last few months. When I was in the throes of terrible doubt and questioning whether or not we should even continue in this direction, God was using people in my life to let me know that this IS what we should do and that He was not abandoning us. Why does it sometimes feel like we are all alone in this journey, when God is always right by our side?

In one of my previous posts, I wrote about how different songs tend to be my theme song for a period of time. Well lately my song has been Oceans by Hillsong. When I was telling my very amazing friend about my struggles and not being sure if we should even go to the mission field, she told me that God often uses songs to tell her things and suddenly the song "Oceans" by Hillsong popped into her head. She said that she had to look up the lyrics because she didn't really know that song. And when she did, she said she immediately knew it was the perfect lyrics for me right now.
In that moment I knew that God was giving me the reassurance that we were headed in the right direction. And I felt like He was asking me "Will you trust Me?" But, like Gideon, I needed another sign. I told God I wasn't convinced and I continued to beg him to change His mind.

Then, while in chapel one Friday, someone spoke about the struggle they had gone through on the mission field. It was a long story, but the final point to his message was that God wants you to focus on being, not on doing. He has the resources and can do this.
Again I knew that God was telling me that He would take care of me. If I would just choose to follow Him and trust Him, He would take care of everything.

Unlike Gideon, I still was not convinced. I think it was more stubbornness. This isn't what I wanted to do anymore.I kept thinking of all of the difficulties. Of raising a family with no support. Of being in a foreign country and not knowing anyone and not understanding the language or the culture. I couldn't stand the thought of our kids not seeing their grandparents and uncles regularly. My heart was already breaking and I just didn't want to continue. But I still felt that tugging and God asking "Will you trust Me?".

And then one day something from our home church in Indiana popped up on my newsfeed on facebook. It was a sermon called God Has Bigger Plans For Your Life Than You Do. He talked about how taking a risk for God can be really scary because we can't see the outcome. But if we will just trust God and follow Him, the blessings He has in store for us are going to be amazing. Just like His blessings for Abraham.

That really convicted me. And as if that weren't enough, ANOTHER thing from that church popped up in my newsfeed. This time it was a blog. It was about Clarity vs. Trust. Again with the trust thing, God? Yes, of course! If it's going to take me fleece after fleece after fleece to fully and truly know that God was indeed calling us to this mission field, then yes, another message on trust was absolutely necessary. God knows me.

I know I have written about my struggle with going before. And I hope I'm not being redundant as I go back and forth with knowing what God has called us to but being uncertain about it at the same time. But in an effort to be blatantly honest about this journey, I must admit that I often feel bipolar with all of this. It's a daily battle. And I have often felt alone in my struggle because I haven't heard other missionaries in this stage talk about how they often just didn't want to go. 

But it doesn't really matter if others have faced these same struggles at the same time and same stage as I have. It is through these struggles that I have been drawn closer to God. It is because of these struggles that I have been praying more earnestly, more passionately, more honestly. And it is through these struggles that God has shown me how much I desperately need Him. He is also teaching me about trust. And trusting in God is so important.

So yes, I will probably continue to have this daily battle of not really wanting to leave. But I know that we will leave. And I am trusting that God has something far better in store for me and my family. So God, in answer to your question, Yes. Yes I will trust You. Yes I do trust You.

And ya know what...I'm kind of excited too.

Interracial Marriage

My hubby has been asking me to write about my own perspective of being in an interracial marriage for quite some time, so….I decided to give it a go.

I must be honest though, and say that I don’t really feel like there is much to write about. I mean, honestly I don’t have anything to compare it to. Phillip was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first everything. I’ve not been married to a white guy- so really I have no comparison. Being in an interracial marriage is normal to me.

With that said, I’m certain I have learned a multitude of things from being with someone from a different culture. But I also believe that any marriage consists of two different cultures coming together and learning to live and live well together. Unless, of course, you’re marrying your brother or sister, in which case you would be coming from the same culture and….gross! But the chances of that are pretty slim, I’m guessing.

Here are the things I have learned from my marriage (which just so happens to be interracial):

1.    Different does not mean bad, or wrong: There are a plethora of things that Phillip does differently that I do. At first it drove me crazy! Why do you stay up all night and sleep in all morning?!  Why won’t you use a flat sheet?! That’s my favorite part of the bedding. How can you stand putting barbeque sauce on EVERYTHING? Is my food so bland? And what do you mean, you aren’t a coffee drinker? I don’t even understand what you’re saying. What I have learned is that it’s just different. It’s not a bad thing. And over the years, we have sort of taken the best from both worlds. We both now stay up late and get up early. Okay, so that compromise is actually pretty silly, because that means we really don’t get much sleep. But…it’s just different…not wrong! And he compromised and now sleeps with a top sheet. Though, to be completely honest, it always ends up in a crumbled mess at the bottom of the bed. But, it’s there! And as far as the food thing goes, Phillip has taught me the importance of spices. He still uses barbeque sauce on everything, but it’s not because my food is bland! And coffee…well, let’s just say that I converted him!

2.    Expectations may not be met: Everybody goes into a marriage with their own expectations of the marriage, their spouse, and their own role. What typically happens is that we don’t let the other person in on our expectations, and so when those expectations aren’t met…well, dangerous things can happen. You can quietly brew to yourself about how you married such a jerk, you can take it out on your spouse by showing your frustrations and annoyance, or you can just talk through it. At first I chose the first two. Because I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t understand that I was feeling frustrated with him for not meeting my expectations….my unspoken expectations. In the course of our 4 years together we have had to hash out some of these things. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. We both need to know what we expect from each other and what we expect from ourselves.

3.    Uniqueness doesn’t keep us together: I honestly believed that because Phillip and I were so unique (ya know…the whole interracial thing), we had one up on every other “normal” relationship. I took pride in how different we were and believed that our difference made us special. I really don’t know why I thought that way. Maybe it was the newness of it all. Maybe it was the romantic in me. After all, we were going against the grain, defying society, our parents, the norm (okay, we weren’t really doing any of those things, but it seemed like it to me). The uniqueness of our relationship wasn’t going to keep us together. The Grace of God would.

4.    Time is relative: Before I married Phillip I thought I was always late. And maybe I was late to places on occasion. But what I have discovered in my 7 years with this man and his family is that time has become relative. My first experience with this was the first time I went to his family’s church. Church started at 10:30. We were leaving the house a few minutes after 10:30. And it wasn’t just down the street. Oh no…it was 20 minutes away! My other experience with this is the movies. I love getting to the movie theater early. I need to pick my perfect spot, settle into my seat with all of my snacks (that I…uh, snuck in) and watch every single preview (the previews are the best part!). My first experience with seeing a movie with Phillip’s family…we left the house at about the time the movie was starting. Of course, we made it just in time to see the start of the show. BUT I missed my precious previews. I didn’t get to stop at the dollar store and buy snacks to sneak in. And I wasn’t in my perfect spot!

Over time though, we have adapted to each other. We are typically late (fashionably late, of course) to places- which has gotten worse since we’ve had children. BUT we are always early to the movies!

5.     I’m not going to change him: It’s true. Most women marry men believing that she can change the annoying/frustrating things about him. And most men marry women believing that she will never change. Both are flat out wrong! We can’t change our men. Of course, that doesn’t mean that God can’t. And if it’s something that seriously needs changing, then that is God’s domain. It’s taken a lot of complaining and mounting frustrations for me to realize that I’m not going to change Phillip. But ya know what…those annoying quirks have a way of coming full circle. What I mean is, when we first met, those things were kind of cute. I didn’t mind them so much. It made me laugh. But then, after some time, it became more and more obnoxious. Like nails on a chalkboard that just starts to grate on your nerves over time. But then…somehow, someway, it becomes funny and cute again. And then after some time…. Full circle. It’s a cycle I like to call love. The point is, I’m not going to change him. And that’s okay.

6.    He’ll miss it when I’m dead: In the same way that Phillip has annoying qualities about himself, I also have annoying things about me (shocker, I know!). Every time I do something that is completely bothersome to Phillip (unintentionally of course. Always unintentionally), I like to tell him that when I die and he’s telling stories about me at my funeral, he will share these little frustrating nuggets of my personality with a smile of adoration and fondness. He will tell them that “Sarah used leave half empty cups of coffee all of over the house. And she always had to smell her food before she’d eat it”. He’d also say that I would never put the clothes away after I folded them and we constantly had to dig through baskets of clothes to find something to wear. He might also say something about how I cry at the slightest hint of an argument about to take place, or make jokes when I’m nervous, or accidentally use “baby talk” at awkward and inappropriate times. These are things that are annoying to Phillip, but I know he’ll miss it when I’m dead.

7.    He’s my number 2: We have a running joke about how we are each other’s number 2. But it’s also very true. God is my number one. He is the most important thing in my life. Phillip is my number two, and the children are next in line. Of course, in my fallen human state I often get these out of order. I have a hard time with not putting the kids before my husband. I know this is wrong and I try desperately to realize when I’m doing it. But it’s hard. They are so needy and I have to do almost everything for them. Phillip is pretty independent, and doesn’t require my constant attention. But that doesn’t mean I can neglect him. It’s important to remind myself often that he is my number 2!

8.    We make adorable babies: I’m not gonna lie. Mixed couples tend to make the cutest babies. Call me biased, I don’t care! My two kiddos are the cutest in the world (again…I may be biased). And any other children we have will fall into that same category.

9.    Kids bridge gaps: It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you have with parents or in-laws (and sometimes with interracial marriages, there are family members that largely object), once you pop out that first grandbaby those relationships will start to mend. Kids are the saving grace to those relationships. No wonder God said children are a blessing!

10.  Take everything with a grain of salt: While it’s true that in our 4 years of marriage we have lived in places that seem to be full of mixed couples and thus have not experienced many snide remarks or sideways glances, this will not always be the case. And, in fact, when we first started dating we did experience a lot of opposition. But it was mostly from people that just didn’t understand, hadn’t been face to face with a mixed relationship and were just concerned about the unique issues we would most likely face. In my young naïve mind, I felt like everyone was against us because I was white and he was black. I felt like I was rebelling, going against the grain and that through our relationship we would take on the world and change everything. Looking back now, I can see that people, mainly family members, were just concerned. They didn’t want us to experience unnecessary heartache and setback. If I could go back, I would learn to take their comments and concerns to heart, though with a grain of salt. It’s important to hear the concerns of our parents and those closest to us, to understand where they are coming from and why they feel the way they do. But it’s also important to not put their biases (if that’s what it is) on your relationship. Some of their concerns may be valid, but some of them may not.

This, of course, is for all relationships, not just interracial ones. The concerns of our loved ones are usually pretty valid. They can see things differently than a newly love struck couple can.

As I read back through these, most of them really have nothing to do with being in an interracial relationship, but can apply to marriage in general. But again, I have no other experience to relate it to. I guess I would say that being in an interracial marriage is probably pretty similar to being married to someone of the same race, but you are just more aware of your differences because you clearly come from different cultures. Most people in same race marriages have many differences, but may not realize it's a cultural thing because they don't associate the same race coming from different family cultures.

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But I will say that one of the most important things to us as a couple is to share our cultures with our children. We want them to know that they come from two different cultures. We want them to know the good and the bad of both. We want them to know why it’s so neat and unique that they are here in this world, because there was a time when a white woman and black man getting married and having children would not have been allowed. We want them to know their identity from both races, but to ultimately find their identity in Christ.

We also want to teach them the importance and uniqueness of different races, but not to have a bias against different skin colors. Our children will also be in interracial marriages one day, so it’s important that we set a good example.

Pillow Prayers

I must admit that I don’t often have quiet prayer/devotional time during the day. Since my kids are up around 6:30 am, I find it difficult to get up before them. With an active 2 year old and 9 month it is nearly impossible to have a quiet moment when they are awake. Nap times…well, I try as best as I can to get them to nap at the same time. But honestly, it’s touch and go most days. When they actually do nap at the same time, I will admit that I often choose to clean up from the whirlwind of the morning’s activities.

I used to feel so guilty about not taking quiet time during the day, or about not giving God my first moments of the morning or the downtime I had during the day. I would get so frustrated as I would attempt to get a few moments of reading or praying in, only to have one of the kids wake up early from a nap, or my husband need me to do something, or whatever other hundred things would distract me from my spiritual duties.

And then the other night, as I laid in bed and poured out my heart to God, I realized that just because I don’t get up before dawn, or spend all of my quiet day time moments praying, it doesn’t meant that I don’t give of my time to God. What I realized in that moment is that I do what I would call “pillow prayers”. As I lay my head on my pillow, exhausted from the relentlessness of the day, I give God the rawest version of myself. I may be exhausted, yes, but I’m also brutally honest in those moments. Maybe because I’m so exhausted.

These pillow prayers are my honest cries and pleas. I share with God my daily hurdles, my frustrations, the aggravations I felt, the moments when I wanted to lose all control. I share with Him my daily joys, the pleasures I get from raising two babies and being a wife to an amazing man. I share with Him my struggles of wanting to go to the mission field, but also desperately not wanting to go, of being excited, but also uncertain. My pillow is usually saturated with tears (and yes, maybe a little snot too. You know how it is!), but like I said, it’s raw emotion.

And it’s in these moments that I feel God’s presence. It’s often a sort of peace. A peace that usually just lulls me to sleep. I remember when I was younger being warned about not praying in bed because you will probably fall asleep. But honestly, why wouldn’t you want to fall asleep talking to God? To me it’s one of the best ways to fall asleep. I’m certain that I often conk out mid thought. But I doubt that God really cares.

So, if like me, you find yourself feeling guilty over not having time during the hectic days to sit and read and pray, give yourself some grace. God does. Of course, we do need to make the effort. That’s not what I’m saying. But sometimes, at night, when the lights are off and you’re completely and utterly exhausted, it’s the best time to pour your heart out to our Creator.

I'm sure that as the kids get older, and the the chaos of raising two little people starts to mold into a more stable and predictable routine, my ability to have quiet time with God during the day will begin to develop and evolve. I'm not saying that it's not important to be disciplined and you shouldn't make those moments a priority. I absolutely think that you should. What I am saying is that there will be seasons in your life when it's so challenging and almost implausible to do that at the same time every day. And that's okay. I believe that God understands. And I believe that He cares more about you simply communicating with Him, and not necessarily that you stick to a rigid schedule. So if you find a time and place that allows you to give yourself completely to God, even if it happens to be in the middle of the night, when you wake up to feed your hungry infant, by all means do that!

What God has brought together, we shall never part...

I love my husband. Dearly. Passionately. Whole-heartedly. But I also love him poorly at times.

Marriage is hard. There is no doubt about that. Sharing life with someone is messy. We get to see the up-close parts of a person. The parts that we all try to hide around everyone else: The gross stuff like being so sick to your stomach that it’s coming out both ends, when you don’t quite make it to the bathroom and the vomit somehow ends up all over the floor, the wall and the door. The annoying things like throwing your dirty clothes on the floor instead of tossing them into the basket, or leaving a wet towel strewn on the bathroom floor, instead of hanging neatly on the hook, or waiting until the trash is overflowing before deciding to take it out. The morning breath, farts and burps, dirty hair, a face without make up and an attitude before coffee. And the sinful things that you so desperately want to hide, but cannot because you are living in the trenches with someone day in and day out.

Yes marriage is hard. And it’s hard because you cannot hide who you really are. And why would you? After all, you have vowed to share life with your spouse. And that includes the ugly and the sinful.

But the amazing thing about marriage, a marriage united under Christ, is that there is forgiveness and grace, there is a spirit of being refined and learning from one another and with one another. Being married is hard because you become aware of your immense sin. You really begin to see the ugliness in you. It can be quite startling.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 17:3; “The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart”. God uses difficult things in our lives to refine us- to bring all of our impurities to the surface so that He can remove them. Before we go through the fire that marriage can sometimes offer, we are unaware of these impurities. How can God remove the sinful things in our lives if we don’t even know they exist?

Marriage is truly a blessing. Through it we can be drawn closer to God.

Of course, there is also the temptation to ignore all of the nastiness, to blame it on your spouse and continue doing things the same way. When something comes up that reveals your true nature, your sinful nature, there is always that desire to hide it. This is certainly true in my life. It takes humility to admit a sin in your life.

But what I have discovered time and again is that God is merciful and He is oh so gracious. And because my husband is filled with God’s love, he is also merciful and gracious to me. When we walk with God, and our marriage is centered in Him, it makes it easier to reveal your true self because you know that there will be grace. Even when your true self can be so ugly.

I thank God for my marriage, for the difficult times that bring redemption and forgiveness and grace. I’m thankful for my husband who also offers me patience and grace and forgiveness when I’m at my ugliest. Marriage can be so difficult, but it is also so much fun. To get to spend your life with someone that knows you so intricately and loves you so passionately is amazing to be sure. I have truly been blessed.

I am thankful for these past 4 years of being married to Phillip. And I am looking forward to spending a lifetime with this amazing man! What God has brought together, we shall never part!

Hurry up...and wait

When I was in college and getting my degree that I believed would eventually get me to the mission field, I was in such a hurry. I hated going to class and learning….oh learning, how dreadful it was! I just wanted to GO! Why did I have to sit through lecture after lecture when I could just hop on a plane and be there?! I seriously contemplated ditching the books and just boarding a plane.

I was in such a hurry to get to where I knew God was calling me.

What I didn’t know at the time was that God had called me to other things as well. Things that would need to take place BEFORE my dramatic move overseas. I gained knowledge and insight about how to actually do ministry in a cross-cultural setting (thanks to my degree!), met my amazing husband, got married, had our first baby and learned a LOT about myself.

Together Phillip and I felt God calling us to be missionaries overseas. We didn’t know where, but we knew we would go. So after the birth of our daughter we hurried to sell or donate all of our things and moved in with family so we could begin support raising.

We were in a hurry to get to where we knew God was calling us.

What we didn’t know was that God once again had called us to something different first. A month after we moved in with my mom we found out we were expecting baby #2. If you’ve ever tried to plan for things and suddenly found yourself pregnant, you can attest to the fact that baby’s bring change. And so God was calling us to wait.

And it was through that period of waiting that we made some amazing friendships at our new church in Indiana. I cannot tell you how blessed I am that we had to wait. God always knows what’s best for us, even when we think that WE do.

After the little guy was born in August we again made haste and raised 60% of our support in the first month! It was amazing and we just KNEW that God was calling us to go now. In January we packed our bags and made a long cross country move to Texas. We continued to busy ourselves with the work we needed to accomplish so we could leave the country in August.

By May, when we still only had 75% of our budget, I was getting discouraged and doubtful. I thought God had wanted us to go now? I thought this was HIS plan? I prayed “God if you want us to go, you have to make a way!”.

I am in a hurry to finally get to where I know God is calling us.

I was growing tired of all of the hurry up and waiting scenarios. When would God finally allow us to go?! And then a very dear friend gave me a book by Oswald Chambers. Growing Deeper with God is the book and the first pages I read really opened my eyes to some new truths about God.

God is not in a hurry.

Chambers wrote about how Moses had a calling, a desperate desire to free his people from slavery. This was a God-given desire. God also wanted the Israelites to be free from the Egyptians. And I know the story of Moses and the Israelites, but the reality of what happened next has never hit me like it did when I read this book.

After Moses killed the Egyptian and fled, he was terribly discouraged. Chambers writes “God allowed Moses, the only man who could deliver his own people, to be driven into the desert to feed sheep—forty years of blank discouragement” (p. 16).

Wow! God had a plan for His people. He knew exactly what He wanted to do and who He was going to use to accomplish it. And He waited 40 years! God is certainly not in a hurry.

When I think about that story, it helps to put my own life into perspective. I honestly don’t know what the future looks like. I have a dream, I have desires, and I have wants. But right now, in this moment, I am trying my best to wait on God’s timing. If we go in August, fabulous! I’m all in. I’m so excited and I’m ready. If it’s later on down the road…even if its years down the road, fabulous! I know it’s because God has called us to something different first. And it will be an amazing journey!

Because I Don't Want to be Swallowed by a Big Fish

"I could never do that! You must have a lot of faith!" I can't tell you how crazy this statement, or similar versions of this statement, makes me.

This is me being transparent:

If it were up to me, I would not be uprooting my family and moving to another planet (okay, Africa is not another planet. But as far as other people are concerned, it may as well be). If it were up to me, I would not leave my friends and family- uncertain of when I may see them again. If it were up to me, I'd stay in the comforts of my own home, attending my own church, and enjoying life where it's oh so familiar. If it were up to me.

This is something I've wrestled with for some time now. And to be completely honest, it's a daily battle. There are moments of panic and heartache, when I tell God that this isn't what I want. I'm not cut out for this. What about my family? What about the life we have here? What about the needs in THIS neighborhood?
I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep, begging God to take this from me.
You see...this is difficult. The most difficult thing I've ever had to do (and I haven't even done it yet!).

So what propels me onward? I don't want to be swallowed up by a giant fish! Okay, well that's not exactly right. There is some truth to that, in that I don't want to be disobedient to God. After all, isn't that what the story of Jonah is all about? God wanted him to go, but Jonah didn't want to. He wasn't interested in doing that. He wanted to do something else. Ultimately, though, God's plan for an entire nation rested on Jonah's obedience to just go. So yeah, obedience does drive me (and the fear of living in the belly of a fish!) but it's bigger than that.

What really keeps me heading toward ministry in another country? God does. As I've wrestled with this over the last several months, God has really opened my eyes to some truths. A big question I have to ask myself is "Who am I trying to please?" Am I trying to please my friends/family, my own self, or God? It's a serious question that deserves a lot of thought. And while I love my family dearly and want to do what makes them happy, they are not my priority. No, I am not trying to please them. If I were...I would be pulled in so many different directions. Yes, I need to take their opinions and concerns into consideration. Often God will use those closest to us to steer us in the right direction. But ultimately, I do what I do because of my desire to please and serve God.

I could tell God no. I know that He would still love me, and we could continue to grow in our relationship. After all, He did create us with a free will. But I would be missing out on some amazing blessings. When we say yes to the plans God has for us, immense blessings are in store for us. I don't mean blessings of health and wealth and a lifetime of happiness and good fortune. I mean the blessings of God and his power and promise to provide everything we need.

Part of my problem is the constant need to rely on God. We are currently living on support right now. That means that we have absolutely no financial security on our own accord. Monthly we trust the Lord to provide (through our supporters) for our needs. And right now we are waiting on God to provide us with 100% of our support AND $15,000 in one time costs by the beginning of next month. The anxiety, the fear, the doubts and the questions that are coursing through my mind is exhausting. What if we don't get the money? Does it mean God is closing the door on this? Is he just postponing it? What would we do in the meantime? Where would we live? How would we pay for the things we need? Would our supporters stop supporting us?
These questions are constantly racing through my mind.

But even through this God is teaching me some of His truths. I need to rely on Him. I need to give Him control of everything. I need to trust Him. Whatever the outcome, I just need to trust Him.

So when people say things like "I could never do that", I want to say "Neither could I!" Because the truth is, I can't do it. But I trust God to do it through me. I am learning to trust Him with my very life and trust that He has great plans for me and my little tribe.

You're going Where?!

When I tell people where we will be going, I often get a look of stunned disbelief, while their response is a cautious "Ohhh....neat. Wow." And that's it. End of discussion. I usually say something like "Yeah, we are really excited to be going", hoping to keep the conversation alive. I want to share with people what we will be doing, why we are going, the plans God has for us. But mostly the conversation is over at that point.

Africa. It's that place that we hear so much about, but seems so far away and so scary. Pictures of half-naked children, flies covering their faces, extended bellies and a look of hopelessness. Stories of dirty water, tiny huts, AIDS and death. The news tells of corruption, civil wars and genocide. Africa seems so bleak. Africa. So needy. So broken. So hopeless.

It's almost like people are hearing us say that we are going to live on a different planet. I would expect their reactions to be that of disbelief. I would expect people to think we are just a little bit crazy and not want to talk about it anymore. That makes sense. But Africa is not a different planet.

Yes, there is still a need in Africa. But it's not a desolate and hopeless place. It's a beautiful place, full of hope and a longing for the Gospel. When I tell other Christians that we are going because there are still people that have never heard the Gospel, they are shocked. But yes, it's true. It's a heartbreaking reality that we talk about a second coming, when half the world has never heard of the first (that's a quote by Oswald Smith).

So yes, Africa. It's in our line of sight because there is a desperate need there. It's a need that matches up with our passions and our gifts. It's a need that God wants to meet. Through us. So we will go.

Africa...we are excited to call you home.

Tips on having Two under Two

Baby bunching. Apparently that's the term for having kids close together in age. Well, that's what we did. We bunched up our first two babes and had them 14 months apart. And ya know what...I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sure it's sometimes the most ridiculous and difficult thing- like when my toddler is having a serious temper tantrum and the baby is screaming because he wants to be fed RIGHT NOW! Or when I'm trying to get the baby down for a nap and Miss Fits decides that right then would be the most opportune time for me to hold her and yells "uppy" at the top of her lungs. Or when I'm the only one home and need to leave the house to attend a diaper party, in which case I end up carrying a baby in a carseat, a wiggly toddler, a diaper bag, a snack bag, a pack of diapers and my coffee down the most ridiculous set of steep stairs.

But most of the time it's a lot of fun. Lots of lessons in patience, that's for sure. But so much fun with these two little ones.

And so, if you decide to join the ranks in baby bunching, let me just tell you that the excitement and the joys are abounding! But it's also terrifying, exhausting, and so difficult. But the joys far outweigh anything else.

My tips on having Two under Two:

1.    Continue with your toddler’s daily routine. No matter what age your older child is when you add a new baby, there are bound to be some adjustments for him or her. Miss Fits was only 14 months old when Mr. Mellow came into the picture. I know she was too young to truly understand what was happening, but she definitely knew that something was different and became more…clingy. This new creature suddenly took up much of mommy’s time and body, and she didn’t like it! Sticking with our daily routine helped a lot, I believe. She still knew what was coming and what to expect most of the time.

Vacuuming isn't really Miss Fits daily routine. But...it was fun to watch her try. And it's a cute picture!

2. Shower every 2 days. This may seem like a silly tip, but seriously…it’s important. I’ve discovered that when I actually take the time to shower, and scrub the spit up out of my hair and the weird sticky substance from yesterday’s lunch off of my arm, I feel much better. Like a human. It’s unrealistic to think that you can get a shower in every single day. I say opt for every other day. If you can’t fit a shower in, just comb your hair. Get out of your flannel pajamas or black yoga pants. Put a little make up on. Seriously, when you make a little effort to take care of yourself, you will feel so much better.

3. If you have steep steps, MOVE! Okay, not seriously. But you need to think about how you get in and out of your house right now with your toddler. When I was pregnant with #2 we lived in an upstairs apartment. The stairs were steep and slippery- especially when it rained or snowed. I fell down them twice while I was pregnant. Miss Fits was definitely not able to go up or down the stairs at that time, so I did a lot of carrying. And when the new little guy came, I did even MORE carrying. There were times when I had to leave the house with both kids- alone. I didn’t want to leave either one alone, so I would carry them both down those steps. It was scary! Just be aware of how you do things now, because it will get much more difficult once #2 arrives.

4. Accept help and forget housework! This is one thing I failed to do. I have it in my mind that I have to do it all. The truth is, you will be a better wife, mom, and really just a better person all around if you don't wear yourself out. Having a baby is hard work! Having two babies is even harder! Add the cooking, cleaning, and every other aspect of life to the mix and it can get down right exhausting! Accept the help. Nobody is offering help? ASK for help! Hire help if need be! Your sanity is at stake here. And housework...well it'll always be there. Take a few weeks and just recover from giving birth and enjoy your two beautiful babies!

When you forget the housework, you get to enjoy moments like these!

5. Wear your baby! I was told by many that I wouldn’t have time to hold my newbie as much as I did my first born. That’s just not true. In fact, I think I held Mr. Mellow MORE than I held Miss Fits. I used the Moby wrap a lot those first few months. It was a life-saver!

Or get your hubby to!

 6. Teach your first born to play alone. This is a tip I wish I would have had BEFORE having the little guy. I didn’t start to teach Miss Fits to play alone until Mr. Mellow was already 4 months old. If you teach your toddler this early on, it will make your life much easier! Schedule in “play time” every morning and afternoon.

Miss Fits playing all by herself

7. Anticipate the months to fly by. Before I knew it, Mr. Mellow was 6 months old, sitting up, rolling over and on the verge of crawling. They seriously do grow up so fast! And honestly, you’re in such a haze from little sleep and caring for two very dependent little people that all of the days seem to blend together.

 8. Anticipate the days to drag on. Okay, maybe that sounds contradictory to what I just said about the months flying by. It’s not. Days are different than months. The days…the single hours in a day can be so relentless. Seriously, it’s only 11:15am?! I’ve already changed the sheets because my toddler decided to take off her poopy diaper first thing this morning, and I’ve picked up the blocks 10,000 times already as my feet are gushing blood from stepping on them repeatedly (seriously, who thinks that blocks are kid friendly?!), I’ve changed numerous diapers, fed the kids breakfast and a snack, listened to Daniel Tiger sing “friends help each other, yes they do, it’s true” one too many times, sat down to drink my coffee- only to discover that the toddler was “helping” the baby stand up, found myself actually watching Daniel Tiger and singing along, cleaned pee pee up off of the floor b/c my potty training toddler decided to empty the potty seat into the big potty all by herself…relentless. On and on.

This moment.

9. Schedule. Having a schedule is a lifesaver. I never imagined I’d be a schedule person, but lo and behold it’s kept my sanity intact. I got the two kiddos on the same nap and bedtime schedule as soon as I possibly could. They both take an afternoon nap together and then go to bed at 6:30 p.m. It’s so nice because then I have a few hours in the afternoon and several hours at night to get cleaning done, or just have some nice quiet time with the hubby.

This pic doesn't have anything to do with a schedule. But just look at how little they were!!

10. Realize that schedules will change. Just go with the flow. So maybe that sounds contradictory to what I said above. It’s not really. Yes it’s very important to have a schedule and keep the kids on a routine. But babies are constantly changing. At the very beginning Miss Fits was still taking two naps. Both kids would nap at the same time in the morning and the afternoon. But soon she dropped her first nap. The little guy was still napping 4 times a day. Eventually he went down to 3 naps, and now sometimes he only takes 2. Schedules change. It’s important to realize when they need to change and to be flexible enough to go along with it.

11. Regressive behavior. Everything I read online said that your older child will probably show some regressive behavior with the arrival of your newbie. This is probably true for an OLDER child. But Miss Fits was only 14 months when the little guy came along. She hardly paid him any attention at all. Maybe because she was so young herself? However, I will say that the chances of your firstborn exhibiting jealousy after the first several months is highly likely. It wasn’t until our newbie was 6 months old that Miss Fits really started noticing all of the attention he was getting. She suddenly wanted to start nursing again. In fact, she would cry and throw a fit whenever I would nurse him and beg to have “mama’s milk”. She wanted to be held like a baby, burped like a baby, etc. Anything the baby was doing, she wanted to do. Maybe that’s regressive behavior. But I think it’s more jealousy as she became more aware.

She is clearly too big for this swing that she MUST be in. But since the baby was in it ....

 Also, she's not sleeping. She's pretending.

12. Bath time/bedtime: Our bathtime/bedtime routine changed a lot in the first several months. At first I continued with my firstborn’s normal bedtime routine. She would get a bath, then jammies, read a book, pray, sing a song and into bed. After she was in bed, I would begin the routine with the little guy. But as he got a little bit older and began having a more regular schedule, I started to switch things up. Once he began siting up on his own I began bathing them together. I got a little plastic basket and sat him in that…just to help him sitting up better and keep him in place. Then I was able to wash up my older daughter without worrying about him toppling over. I’d get the older one out first, then the younger, and we’d all go into my older daughter’s bedroom. I’d do the routine with both of them, put my daughter in her crib and then take the little guy to his room, nurse him and put him to bed. As he’s gotten older it’s been easier to do things together. Makes bedtime shorter for me too!

13. As soon as your newbie becomes more mobile it will be a LOT easier. By 6-7 months it seems you can finally take a breathe. The kids will even start interacting more and that’s always so much fun!!

Crawled himself right into the corner!

14. Sleep is for the dead. I always tell myself this…partly because it’s funny, but partly because it seems so true. When you’ve got a baby sleep seems like a rare and precious commodity. Hard to come by. When you’ve got a baby AND a toddler…you learn to survive on very little sleep. When one of those kids is sick….oh boy! You’d better have that coffee IV ready to go. I thought that with my calm and content second child I would have no problems with him sleep. WRONG! My colicky and rambunctious daughter slept better than he does. If this happens to you, just remind yourself that “this too shall pass”. And find the humor in dragging yourself out of bed every 30 minutes throughout the entire night (trust me, once sleep deprivation hits, everything will be funny!)

This is what happens when you doze off...your loving hubby takes a picture of you. How kind.

15. Traveling. My tip is to just not do it! Unless you have some back up, traveling with 2 under 2 is a huge headache. We made a cross country move when the kids were 18 months and 4 months. And to top it off, Miss Fits was terribly sick. AND we drove straight through. It was rough. Absurd really. But we did survive. So if you must travel, bring some help! And bring some activities. And forget about your rule to never let your kids watch t.v. It can be a real life saver on such a looooong trip. We had just received a dvd player for the car, that came with TWO screens. All we had was one dvd of Veggie Tales, but it entertained the kids for quite a while. Yes, even the 4 month old would stare at the screen and be content (and for a baby that screamed when he was in the carseat…it was a real life saver)

16. Potty training: Everyone has their different opinions on potty training-when to start, when the kid is ready, how to do it, how long it takes, etc etc. I will just say that it depends on you and it depends on your kids (yes, kids plural. If your toddler may be ready, but your infant is high needs then it might not work for you to begin training if you can’t spend a lot of time not holding your baby and tending to your toddler). I was determined to not have two in diapers (even though it’s not so bad. Really.), so I went ahead and gave potty training a go. Miss Fits was potty trained by 19 months. So it definitely worked out to our benefit. Of course…it’s crazy trying to potty train AND take care of a baby. But, I’m a stay at home mom, so I definitely had the time. And…I’m always working on my patience, so that helped a lot J

17. Remind yourself you are only one person and it’s okay! There will be moments when both of the kids need your attention at the same time. Just take care of the greater need first. The baby is crying because he or she is hungry, and your toddler just went pee pee in the potty and tried to dump the pee in the toilet all by herself (Yay!). The baby just had a diaper explosion and your toddler found the permanent marker and is heading towards the couch (the couch that isn't YOURS, by the way). Your toddler fell down and wants you to kiss her owie and your baby is currently nursing. The baby is crying and your toddler is throwing a tantrum. These moments will happen. You are only one person. You will figure it all out. Everything will be just fine!

Also remind yourself that your kids are the cutest and nothing else matters!

Pros:

* You don’t really need to prepare your toddler for the new baby. Miss Fits was only 14 months old when Mr. Mellow made his debut. She wouldn’t have understood anyway. I taught her simple things that would be helpful for when the baby was born- the sign for “baby” and what the word “gentle” means. She was also learning how to go get different items. That was a BIG help when the little guy showed up! 

*  Your kiddos will likely grow up to be best friends and playmates!

* They can share most everything- no need to buy new toys and baby furniture. Of course, you will still need to invest in a new crib, high chair and maybe a double stroller.

*   Everyone will comment on how brave (or crazy!) you are.

*   You can get away with a lot because of how sleep deprived you are!

*  You get to do things differently this time. I always joke that the first born is the guinea pig. You really don’t know what you are doing, just sort of winging it. With the second you are more seasoned and things seem a little clearer.

* They are really cute and a lot of fun! 

* You get to see how differently their personalities are- how two kids raised in the same home can be so different! 

Cons:

* You will have 2 in diapers. Not terrible (honestly), but definitely pricey.

 * You will have to carry both of them. My 14 month old was definitely not capable of climbing up or down stairs. Anytime we left the house, they both had to be carried. Same for going into the store, or really anywhere. Miss Fits could walk great- the problem was that she would RUN if her feet hit the ground. She hadn’t quite mastered the task of holding my hand and walking nicely.

 *  People will feel free to make comments and ask questions about your personal life. “Was this planned?”, “You DO know how this happens, right?!”, “You sure have your hands full”, “Are you going to have more?”, “You should stop having kids now. You have one of each”. And on and on. My favorite question is “Are they twins?” Yes, they are twins. We just had this one 14 months before this one. But yes, twins.

* Sleep deprived AGAIN!!

* Losing the baby weight AGAIN!

 *  It becomes harder to go out and do things because one of the kids is always napping

I know there are a lot more tips I can come up with. This is just what’s off the top of my head. And honestly, it’s taken me months to find the time to sit down and get all of this written out. Feel free to add more tips if you’d like! Or ask questions. Or make funny comments. People do it anyway, so you might as well join the ranks!

A prayer for Pax

When I was pregnant with Phillip- before I ever even found out he was a boy- I prayed for a peaceful baby, a calm and content baby.

Nothing against the precious daughter that I have, but Jaelyn was anything but peaceful. She was colicky as an infant and rambunctious and full of wild energy as she got a little bigger. Her name means "ambitious" and she is every bit of that name, if not more. It's interesting how the name you choose for a baby often depicts perfectly who they are. This is certainly true for Jaelyn.

So when I found out I was pregnant again, I was determined to find a name that meant "peace". I fell in love with the name Olivia and decided that if we had a girl, that would certainly be her name. It means peace and I just knew that it would be the perfect name!
But, as everyone knows, we had a boy! And as the first born son, his name was already decided for him.

I tried and tried to come up with a nickname for the little guy, as I'm not too keen on having two boys with the same name in the house. Maybe I get confused easily? I don't know. I just want different names for my husband and son, and I feel like Phil and Phillip are still pretty similar. Also, I've always called my hubby Phillip, so it's been difficult to transition to Phil. Maybe I'm just weird? Probably.

Anyway, I was thinking about his initials. P.A.K. How could I make that into a nickname for him? Then I remembered the word Pax. It means peace, and it's pretty similar to his initials (if you're saying it, not spelling it!). And so the nickname Pax for our peaceful little boy was born!

The amazing thing is that he IS a peaceful baby. I prayed and prayed for this little guy to have a peaceful and calm disposition and he has just that. If you ask me, I think the nickname Pax fits our little guy perfectly!

Our Pax