Pillow Prayers

I must admit that I don’t often have quiet prayer/devotional time during the day. Since my kids are up around 6:30 am, I find it difficult to get up before them. With an active 2 year old and 9 month it is nearly impossible to have a quiet moment when they are awake. Nap times…well, I try as best as I can to get them to nap at the same time. But honestly, it’s touch and go most days. When they actually do nap at the same time, I will admit that I often choose to clean up from the whirlwind of the morning’s activities.

I used to feel so guilty about not taking quiet time during the day, or about not giving God my first moments of the morning or the downtime I had during the day. I would get so frustrated as I would attempt to get a few moments of reading or praying in, only to have one of the kids wake up early from a nap, or my husband need me to do something, or whatever other hundred things would distract me from my spiritual duties.

And then the other night, as I laid in bed and poured out my heart to God, I realized that just because I don’t get up before dawn, or spend all of my quiet day time moments praying, it doesn’t meant that I don’t give of my time to God. What I realized in that moment is that I do what I would call “pillow prayers”. As I lay my head on my pillow, exhausted from the relentlessness of the day, I give God the rawest version of myself. I may be exhausted, yes, but I’m also brutally honest in those moments. Maybe because I’m so exhausted.

These pillow prayers are my honest cries and pleas. I share with God my daily hurdles, my frustrations, the aggravations I felt, the moments when I wanted to lose all control. I share with Him my daily joys, the pleasures I get from raising two babies and being a wife to an amazing man. I share with Him my struggles of wanting to go to the mission field, but also desperately not wanting to go, of being excited, but also uncertain. My pillow is usually saturated with tears (and yes, maybe a little snot too. You know how it is!), but like I said, it’s raw emotion.

And it’s in these moments that I feel God’s presence. It’s often a sort of peace. A peace that usually just lulls me to sleep. I remember when I was younger being warned about not praying in bed because you will probably fall asleep. But honestly, why wouldn’t you want to fall asleep talking to God? To me it’s one of the best ways to fall asleep. I’m certain that I often conk out mid thought. But I doubt that God really cares.

So, if like me, you find yourself feeling guilty over not having time during the hectic days to sit and read and pray, give yourself some grace. God does. Of course, we do need to make the effort. That’s not what I’m saying. But sometimes, at night, when the lights are off and you’re completely and utterly exhausted, it’s the best time to pour your heart out to our Creator.

I'm sure that as the kids get older, and the the chaos of raising two little people starts to mold into a more stable and predictable routine, my ability to have quiet time with God during the day will begin to develop and evolve. I'm not saying that it's not important to be disciplined and you shouldn't make those moments a priority. I absolutely think that you should. What I am saying is that there will be seasons in your life when it's so challenging and almost implausible to do that at the same time every day. And that's okay. I believe that God understands. And I believe that He cares more about you simply communicating with Him, and not necessarily that you stick to a rigid schedule. So if you find a time and place that allows you to give yourself completely to God, even if it happens to be in the middle of the night, when you wake up to feed your hungry infant, by all means do that!