#12: "Borrowing" the car

So here's the deal with the car (my friend Jenna always gets a kick out of this):

Once upon a time ago, this was my car. And then I ran into some financial difficulties and couldn't really afford it anymore. I talked my dad into taking it off my hands for me, but (and here's the kicker) I kept driving it! Basically, I asked my dad to take over the car payments while I kept the car.
That worked for a time. Eventually I got married and moved to Quincy with the hubs, and my dad got the car. For real.
Anyway, I frequently borrow the car. By borrow, I mean I use it for several weeks and then give it back to my dad. I told him once that my friends always make fun of me because I gave my dad my car, but really just gave him the car payments. He said "Oh, so your friends are making fun of ME?". Well...if you put it that way.
So...here's the car...in my driveway. I'm "borrowing" it again. I've had it for almost 2 weeks now. It has been really nice to have two cars lately, especially since Phil and I work opposite schedules.
So thanks dad, for letting me borrow the car....again!

#11: A Friend and some Caffeine

After work today, I snagged up my good ol buddy Heather from her nap. It was a nice afternoon of returning horrible shoes to Target, browsing through the bookstore and chatting over some coffee drinks.
I love when we both have a bit of free time to just hang out and catch up on what's going on in our lives.
Even if we can't hang out for hours anymore, it sure is nice to get those few moments here and there.

On a side note: This year Heather and I will be best friends for 16 years!

On a different side note: It took me like 10 minutes to figure that out. For some reason I couldn't figure out when I was in 4th grade (which is when we met). Me and math don't mix....

#10: New Shoes Again...this is becoming a habit

Those shoes I got from Target were HORRIBLE! I'm pretty sure the cut on the back of my heel will take a while to heal. Needless to say, those monsters went right back to the store.
So, I headed to Payless to see if I would have any better luck. I got these little things. I'm not sure how I feel about them just yet. I think the damage was done from the other shoes. My feet just hurt!
So maybe I'll give these ones a few days to see if they will fair any better.
I sure hope so, otherwise my poor husband will have his share of sore feet in his hands every night (isn't that why we get married anyway...so our husbands will rub our feet and pamper us?)

#9: Date night with Hubby

The Hubs and I went out on a little date! It was two-fold. We were really hungry, and we were celebrating! For one thing, we both have jobs now. Not that I particularly want to have a job. It's great being a housewife. But we celebrate what we can when we can. We were also celebrating the fact that we were both off on the same day and could hang out. Oh, and I guess we were celebrating that we have money in our account now to do stuff like this. Overall, it was a night of celebration.

And I must mention the bacon on that burger! It was probably the BEST bacon I have ever had in my life. I am not lying. It was thick, it was juicy and succulent, and the taste was incredible! Oh my gosh, give me a plate of that bacon and I am a happy camper.
It's food like bacon that keeps me from being a vegetarian!

We also headed to the store so I could finally get some comfortable shoes. I tried wearing tennis shoes last time. Apparently those are not allowed. I really don't understand. We are allowed to wear practically anything (even sandals, I think), but we cannot wear comfortable shoes like tennis shoes. Weird.

Anyway, I found these at Target for only $16. They are very comfortable and look cute too. So, win win!

#8: Attempting to be Healthy

This was my dinner. Yum! I've got some scrumptious grapes, and some awesome veggie straws. Also, some kind of roasted turkey meat with cheese on a pita bread sandwich. Delicious! My friend Kristin introduced it to me. She claims she's going to make a healthy eater out of me. Well, today she did it!
Also, I made a banana smoothie. That probably wasn't very healthy. It has 2 bananas, 2 cups of milk, some vanilla extract, sugar, cinnamon and some hot chocolate mix. Mmm Mmm Good!

#7: First day of work

 Today was my first day at my new job. I am an assistant manager at Christopher and Banks (in the mall). It's a pretty sweet gig, if you ask me. It's only part time, so not too many hours a week. Something I can handle, considering my desire to do the 'housewife' thing. Plus it's an assistant manager position, so I get paid more! Can't beat that.
Today, however, I learned a very hard lesson. Shoes matter! I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking this morning when I left the house. I've had jobs where I've been on my feet all day. Working in a hospital is proof enough that shoes matter. But for some reason, I thought it would be okay to wear heels to work.
For one thing, anyone that knows me understands that me and heels do not go together. I'm uncoordinated a lot of the time. I lose my balance a lot in heels. It's quite comical.
Anyway, lesson learned. My feet hurt so bad! But I sure looked cute and professional today!

The Cookie Factory is where I ate my lunch today. It was okay. Mostly I was excited to sit down for awhile. Turns out, you can bring your own cup and they will fill it for 50 cents. How fun!

#6: 7 Things He'll Never Tell You

I finally finished a marriage book! I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish before I turned 26. Reading at least 5 marriage books was one of them. I have started about 4, but I had yet to finish any of them. Until today. 

This book by Kevin Leman is...well, it wasn't my favorite book out there. A lot of the time I felt like he was making excuses for men to act like jerks and to be insensitive. But for the most part, the book had some really good insight. And I can honestly say that I learned quite a bit about being a better wife. There are a lot of good points in this book that I will incorporate into my marriage.

However, I will still probably ask and insist that my husband comes with me to things that he doesn't really want to go with me to. And in that case, Kevin Leman, I will say that he is honoring me as his wife  by supporting me in what I want and need. We need a little give and take here (if you're confused, you'll have to read the book. Chapter 6).

Anyway, if you're interested in gaining a little insight into your hubby (and the little boy that he still is), go ahead and read the book. There are some really great things in there. But if you're anything like me, be prepared to argue with Dr. Leman on one or two points (out loud worked well for me).

#5: Thrifting

Today I got to go thrift store shopping with Heather and Kristin. I had $20 to spend, and I think that I did pretty good. I also had a gift card to Kohls that I got for my birthday. I was able to get 3 sweaters, 2 shirts, 2 pairs of shoes, some weights and some unmentionables that only the cashier and my husband get to see. All in all, a fabulous day!

Oh yeah, I also saw that crazy little yellow vehicle in the parking lot. It looks so fun! I know it's an energy efficient car (it says "electric" on the side), but I just don't think I would feel safe in it. Heather and I did notice that the owner seemed to have quite a bit of space in the back (a secret compartment, maybe?), because he had several bags of groceries and had no problem getting it all in.

Addicted to Experience

Unlike many people I know, I love change. I thrive on it. I love to experience new and different things all the time. I'm constantly getting bored with the same old things, and I want to go do something different. This is probably why I love moving and I love travelling. My family makes fun of me because I move all the time. They say I am like my grandma, which incidentally I guess I am. She moves quite often, each time claiming it is her last. But if she's anything like me (or, I guess me like her), she knows deep down that it won't be. Maybe my grandma also suffers with the desire for new and different experiences.

This is not always a good thing. I have had several jobs. Too many to count on my 10 fingers. I usually quit because I hate the work, and I can't imagine spending my days doing something that I just loathe. I'm always cautious to get a new job because, for one I fear that I will hate that one too. And as much as it may seem like it's no big deal for me to quit a job, I really don't like it at all. I feel like a failure for not sticking with things. I'm also cautious about getting a job because I fear that once I take this job, another better one will come along. I'm still waiting for my dream job!

My brother recently offered Phil and I his house. It's a cute little house. About the size of what we live in now, only it is so much nicer. There is laundry, there is a bathtub, the kitchen is totally new (and not in the dungeon), there is a huge back yard (maybe I could finally get a dog), and there is a garage. The only downside is that it is in Pawnee. I, for one, do not want to live in Pawnee. Plus, it is a lot further of a commute to work for Phil.

I want to move so bad. I want to move because it's new and it's different. It will be a fun experience. Phil isn't so sure. He's thinking about all of the inconveniences, like moving all of our stuff, unpacking everything, setting it all back up, etc etc. I am completely the opposite. I think it would be fun to have a new place to decorate, a new place to put all of my stuff. I am excited! I want to do it so bad. I love change!

I guess we will see what comes of this. Being addicted to experience and change is not really compatible with the married life all the time. I guess that's what compromise is all about.

#4: Donkey Kong Ritual

Okay so...I didn't actually take this picture. I forgot to bring my camera with me today. I just got it off of the internet. I would have just taken another picture that represents my day, but the truth of the matter is....this is really all I did today.

Kristin and I have been addicted to Donkey Kong since she bought it a couple of weeks ago. It's such a fun game! And it's awesome to get to hang out with Kristin and have such a blast. We yell and scream, we throw things and kick and punch the air. Her cat Sassy freaks out and runs away from us, but not before clawing our legs. It's a great time! We usually end up getting pizza and we eat like animals. Yes, it's a great time and I'm glad that I get to go over there every couple of days to partake in this Donkey Kong ritual.

#3: Sunday Breakfast with Dad

Breakfast at Ihop has become a tradition over the past few months. Every Sunday morning, after church, Phil, my dad and I will go out to breakfast. Recently my dad's fiancée, Kim, has been joining us. It's a fun time to see each other, chat and have a good time. I love Sunday morning breakfast!

#2: Grocery Shopping

Today was rather significant in the Kemp household. It may not look like it, but we went all out in grocery shopping today. This table full of groceries will last us about 2 months!

It was great day, actually. We went to Starbucks (or 5 bucks, as Phil likes to call it), got yummy coffee, and chatted about finances and the pros and cons of moving into my brothers house.

After that, we went grocery shopping and then came home and made some pizza. Yes, a fabulous day indeed!

#1: Eat, Love, Pray

This is my first photo post thing because...well, I've been reading the book for several months (I try to read more than one book at a time sometimes) and I just watched the movie.

Unfortunately, the movie wasn't that great at all. It was rather boring. I was very side-tracked the entire time. The movie definitely didn't do the book any justice. But isn't that what everyone says?

There's a lot I could talk about when it comes to the book, but maybe I'll leave that for another day- when I'm not rushing to get out the door.

Photo Project 365

After viewing one of my friend's blogs, I decided that I'm going to also do the photo project 365 things. A photo a day for a year. This should be fun. I love taking pictures, but I hardly ever do it.

This little project is 3-fold:

1. It'll give me the opportunity to take the pictures I never actually take.

2. I'll become a better photographer.

3. I'll have a memory of my entire year in photos. I can look back on any day and say "oh yes, this is what I did on that day." I think it'll be neat.

Here's another part of number 3, or maybe it's my number 4. I watch a lot of crime TV shows and movies, so I'm often unrealistically worried that I will be framed for murder or some crazy crime. In my mind I think that this photo project will maybe come in handy for me because some day I'll need an alibi. And I can just go back to my blog and be like "BAM! Here's a photo of me doing such and such on such and such a day. I didn't do it! I WAS FRAMED! (dun dun dun)".

Originally I was going to wait until the beginning of March, so that I'm not just starting on any random ol day. But...I think random works for me. Also, I fear I may forget in that short amount of time. So I'll start either today or tomorrow (depending on how lazy or spontaneous I feel).

I'm an Israelite

These past few months have slowly returned to normal. I don't feel quite as obsessive as I was just a few weeks ago. I feel a little bit more normal, and I don't cry nearly as much. Praise God for time! I think it's true, that time does help to heal wounds. I also think that it is the Lord's grace that also heals are brokenness. One thing I know for certain is that through tragedy, I always draw nearer to God. Whenever everything falls apart and I'm left kneeling on the floor with my shattered heart in my hand, my God is kneeling there with me. We embrace and he takes my broken heart and slowly and ever so gently begins to make it whole again.

Sometimes I feel like an Israelite. I read about them throughout the Old Testament and I criticize them "Why are you constantly forgetting? How is it possible you are turning your back again? Oh, so now that you're in a real bind you're gonna seek God?" And now, as I think back I realize that I am that way. Things are going great, every thing is on the up and up. I've got my life together and I've got things figured out. Where is God in that equation? Oh, he's up there somewhere, but I'm not really focused on that. I have so much to do! There are jobs I need to apply for, the house needs to be cleaned, dinner needs to be made, I need to spend time with Phil and my friends and my family. I need to read my books and write in my blog. I definitely need to check my email and update my status on facebook. There is so much to do!

And BAM! Tragedy strikes and I'm knocked to my knees. It's hard to breath. Has my lung collapsed? No, it's my heart...it's been broken. So what do I do? I turn to God. "Father...I messed up. I forgot about you. And now I'm in this big mess of sorts. Won't you please rescue me?!"

Yes, I am an Israelite. I am constantly forgetting my God when things are going great. It's shame and it's a tragedy. I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to constantly seek God. Not just when I'm desperate. I want to learn and grow through all of life's phases.

I Loved You Before I Knew You

I loved you before I knew you

I loved you before I knew you

I lost you way too soon

A piece of my heart is missing,

Broken and given to you

I knew in that moment I would lose you,

And there was nothing I could do

They told me that this was common

And the pain would be over soon

They said that there was a reason

And with time I would heal

But neither time nor reason can change the way I feel

I wrestled with the questions and I cried a thousand tears

I don’t know why this happened; it was one of my worst fears

I begged God to save you, to heal you inside of me

But that didn’t happen; instead he took you into eternity

I dreamt for months and months, of the day I’d hold you tight

I’d listen for your baby breath and rock you through the night

I prayed for months and months, as you grew inside my womb

I prayed for you every day, hoping to see you soon.

I cried for months and months, when they said that you were gone

I laid alone in silence, and wondered what went wrong

For just a few months, I was the mother of a child

I prayed for you and I loved you, I was a mommy for a while

You’re the baby that I carried,

The one I’ll never see

You would have made me a mother

But now I must wait to be

I loved you before I knew you

Only 2 months in my womb

A piece of my heart is missing

Broken and given to you

Goals?

So I realized that I haven’t accomplished anything on my list of goals. I know that I have a year, but I’ve just flat out failed at some of them. I know that it’s only been a couple of months, but I was hoping to see some progress, not regression. Let’s just do a recap, of sorts.

I did not stay at my job for a year. In fact, I couldn’t stand my job. It was like working in a nursing home, and I am just not cut out for that type of work. I’m not going to go into detail about it, but it just wasn’t something I could continue doing. And I know what people think and what people are going to say. I’ve heard it all, and I think the same thing. But it is what it is.

I have not found a mentor yet. I’m still working on that, hoping that she will just show up in my life one day and say “Hey Sarah, I’m so-and-so. I thought that I could be your mentor!” And bam, it’s done. That hasn’t happened yet, but maybe soon?

I’ve given up on exercising, let alone 3-4 times a week.

As far as weekly prayer/worship time alone…well, I do pray. I’m just not as committed as I want to be. And to be completely honest, there are many times that I choose watching Netflix over praying or reading the Bible.

As of now, I am not involved in any activity outside of home. I’m a home-body.

I have found a ministry to get involved in. Phil and I are joining the missions team at our church. Although, we haven’t actually done that yet. So….

I don’t walk to work, because, well, I just don’t work.

I still need to learn to read in Spanish. I bought books and dictionaries, but have yet to open them.

Sometimes we go on date nights, but usually we don’t. We do spend time together at home, but it isn’t designated at “date night”, and we are usually both doing our own things.

We have not become members at RCC.

I have not sponsored a missionary.

I HAVE STARTED WRITING A BOOK!!! That is a positive one. I have done that. I have 2 chapters already! More on that later.

I do not read the Bible daily. I did start memorizing weekly bible verses. But, after the first week, I just sort of forgot.

I haven’ picked up the guitar since I wrote out my goals.

My hair is more blonde than before, but it really isn’t blonde at all.

I need pictures to scrapbook, and I haven’t gotten them yet.

I did get pregnant, but I’m not anymore. So I’m not really sure how to feel about this goal, or how to go about accomplishing it. It’s a little bit strange.

I started reading 2 marriage books. But I haven’t finished either one of them.

I lost 7 lbs in one week. But have since gained them back, plus a few more of their friends.

I guess I’m blogging a bit more now. So there’s a win for me.

And I have yet to start writing poems, although I think about it all the time.

So all in all, I haven’t accomplished much. But then again, it’s only January. I still have until October to get through these. I am very excited about starting this book though. It’s something that I’ve been wanting to do for a while now.

And as far as the not getting pregnant thing goes, I think I may consider revising that. Because, truth be told, I really want a baby. And I’m well aware of what other people are saying and that I shouldn’t do it right now. I know all of that. I know that we are strapped for money and that neither one of us have great paying jobs (certainly not me, anyway!). I know that we don’t have insurance and we don’t have a house big enough for a family. I get that. It’s not like I’m over here scheming to secretly get pregnant without letting Phil in on it. I’m sure that’d be pretty tricky anyway, considering it takes 2 to make a baby (or so I’ve been told).

It’s just that, after experiencing the joy and the excitement of being pregnant and the thought of being a mother, it’s cruel to just write me off and write off my feelings of wanting that again. I’m not being selfish when I say that I want to try again. It’s normal. It’s normal to want back what you lost. It’s normal for a woman to want to be a mother, and to desire that. Especially after losing a baby.

It’s difficult enough when people ask me if I’m going to try again, as if the pain is not still so fresh. But it makes it even worse when people say that I shouldn’t and that it would be silly to do so. To that I would say that you just don’t understand where I am coming from. And to be completely honest, I am glad that you don’t. Because that would mean that you have been through this pain and this loss.

So, yes, I do want to get pregnant again. I do want to have a baby. And I do know all of the reasons why I shouldn’t. But in case you’re still curious, we probably won’t get pregnant any time soon. But thank you for your concerns. Dually noted.

(When did a recap of my goals become a soap box about getting pregnant….)

Excitement and Tragedy- Joy and Sorrow

I wasn't going to write about this. I wanted it to be my own, to hold on to it and not let others know what had happened. But then I was thinking about some of my other posts and I remembered that I had written about being open and honest. I guess I believe that sometimes the joys and pains that we go through in life can often benefit others. To share your struggles and your accomplishments, your trials and your victories, your pain and your joy can really be a benefit to other people as well. Especially those who may be going through the same things.


Anyway, on October 30th I found out that I was pregnant. I actually took 4 pregnancy tests just to be sure! It was exciting news! And while Phil and I both felt super overwhelmed and like we were not prepared at all, we were both very excited. I tried to contain the news to close friends and family, because I knew that things were pretty risky the first couple of months. Of course, word spreads quickly, even if you're trying to contain it. Before we knew it, ALL of our friends and family knew. And it was just so exciting getting to celebrate with people.


I remember telling Phil that I my biggest fear is that I would go to the doctor (for my very first appt) and they would tell me that I actually wasn't pregnant. And it was that very day that I started having horrible cramps and some bleeding.
In an effort to spare all the heartbreaking details, I'll just say that a visit to the emergency room confirmed my fears; I was having a miscarriage.
These last few weeks have been so difficult. I feel this emptiness and this overwhelming sadness at times. It's like...my world has stopped. And it's so weird when I feel like my world is falling apart, but I look around and everyone else is going on living. I feel such pain and heartache.


I lost something so dear to me. I lost something that I wanted so badly. And it hurts so deeply. Wouldn't it be nice if they invented band-aids for the heart? I need a band-aid to cover up this wound.
I'm trying to see the good in this. I'm trying to figure out the purpose or the reason. So far I've come up with nothing. I trust God, and I know that he is good. I know that he loves me and that he has my best interest at heart. I just can't figure out how all of this plays into that.
And I know that miscarriages are common, and that there's nothing I could have done to stop it. I know that it's not my fault, but that over half of all miscarriages are caused by chromosomal factors that are out of our control.
I know all of this. In my head I know these things. But sometimes my head and my heart don't communicate, and sometimes when they do communicate they don't understand each other. In my head I know all of this, but my heart still hurts so badly.


I guess time will help...

The Merciless Revealer

Marriage...ah marriage.

These past 5 months have been so great! There have been so many laughs, so much joy, so many surprises and fun times. I love my husband dearly, and I am thrilled to be married to this man.

But that doesn't mean that marriage isn't also filled with some heartache and sadness, some fights and some bad times. That's all a part of learning and growing in your relationship. I guess for me, it's what you take away from those moments.

It seems to me that marriage is full of learning moments. I'm constantly learning new things about Phil and even about myself. It's strange how living with one person and constantly being around that one person reveals so much about yourself. I read a quote by Katherine Anne Porter that pretty much sums it up. She said "Marriage is the merciless revealer, the great white searchlight turned on the darkest places of human nature".

It's so true! There are things about myself that are being revealed. Things that I just don't like.

And then I think, well...it's really kind of a blessing in disguise because now I have the opportunity to work on those terrible flaws that I have. And would I have worked on them before? Well, probably not because I really didn't know what kind of a monster was in me all this time :-)

But seriously, I think that marriage is a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and then change those things that need to be dealt with.

~********~********~********~********~********~

My desire is to be involved in a woman's ministry. I want to meet with other married woman and discuss....well marriage! I want to talk to others about the joys of being married, about the struggles of marriage, about our husbands, about our dreams and passions and whatever else is going on in life.

~********~********~********~********~********~

Okay...I'm just going to say it. I don't care what other people say. In fact, I know that there is a bet going on how long I will actually stay at this one job. But....I'm gonna say it anyway: I don't really care for my job.

Here's the thing (yes, I know...I always have SOME excuse): It's like working in a nursing home. And anybody that knows me knows that I HATE working in a nursing home. I just can't do it. I don't have it in me. It's not my thing. I have no desire whatsoever, no passion, nothing.

And all of a sudden, I just don't care for the healthcare field. Maybe it has run its course.

Or, maybe my problem is that I just feel like I need to try everything. I don't know what my deal is. But I do know that this job is not what I thought it would be. Geriatrics? Really?

What I really want (career wise) is a job in the field that I actually went to school for. I'm not at all interested in going back to school for something else. I went to college for 5 years, I put in my time. I want to utilize the degree that I already have. Is that so much to ask? So, now I am searching and searching for something that will suit me. Suit my passions and my desires.

Of course, I'm not about to quit the job that I have. So please, don't start trying to collect on those bets just yet. And ya know what...maybe I won't even tell anyone if I quit my job and get something else.

Maybe it'll be my little secret (well, Phil's secret too, I guess)....

25 Goals for my 25th Year

So, today is my birthday. The big 2-5. A quarter of a century. Gosh, I feel old.

Anyway, I decided that this was a good year to do a self evaluation and make some goals for my life. At least, make some goals for my 25th year of life. I actually was inspired by two of my friends who told me about goals that they had made. I guess, if we are going to be honest, I stole this idea from them. But...lots of people make goals, So I figured that I could do it too.

Here are my 25 goals that I hope to accomplish (or at least start) before I turn 26 (Oh my gosh...that sounds so old!)

25 Goals for my 25th Year:

1. Stay at this job for one year

2. Go on a mission trip in the summer

3. Go back to school- or figure out what I want to do with my life

4. Find a mentor

5. Exercise 3-4 times a week

6. Weekly prayer/worship time-alone

7. Be involved in an activity (outside of home)

8. Find a ministry-get involved

9. Walk to work twice a week

10. Go on vacation with Phil

11. Learn to read Spanish

12. Weekly planned date night with Phil (in or out of the house)

13. Be a member at RCC

14. Sponsor a missionary

15. Write a book (or...at least seriously start it)

16. Read the Bible Daily

17. Memorize weekly Bible verses

18. Learn to play the guitar

19. Go back to my blonde hair

20. Scrapbook my pictures

21. Don't get pregnant!

22. Read marriage books (at least 5)

23. Lose 20 lbs

24. Blog often (at least once a month)

25. Start writing poems again