The beginning

I am a married woman!
That phrase seems so distant from me, like it's not even true. Sometimes I have to remind myself that, yes, I am in fact, married. I think it just seems like we're not really married because we don't have our own place yet. Or, maybe this is normal and it just takes time to adjust.
But I really do think that once we get our own place, it will seem more like we are a married couple and less like we are still dating and just staying at Phil's parents house for a little bit.

Well, the summer is upon us now. I am trying to figure out what to do with my time. Phil is doing his internship for school, so he is really quite busy. But I, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing to do. For the first week or two, it was fun to just be lazy and bum around our living quarters. I enjoyed sitting at the computer, drinking my coffee and just browsing the internet. It was fun to watch tv whenever I felt like it. And I will admit that I have played Sims periodically because it can be quite entertaining. But now...now I just feel lousy about all of that. I feel like I am wasting away my life when I could be doing something productive and meaningful.

I think that a summer job is in order. I applied at a few places, but I really wasn't interested in getting a job. Now I think that it is necessary for my survival this summer. Without keeping busy, I may just go crazy!

Feeling the Stress of it All

I am currently renting a house in Lincoln. It's totally awesome. I have thoroughly enjoyed living by myself. It's one of the (many) things that I have wanted to do before I get married.

I also have a job that I love. It's ridiculously hard at times, but in the end I still can say that I love my job. However, it's all the way in Champaign. Over an hours drive just to get there.

I didn't realize that the drive would be such a big deal when I took the job. And honestly, I took the job because I had no other options. But... turns out, it is a big deal. Paying over $300 in gas a month has seriously dented my checkbook.

I came to the conclusion that I would go down to part time there and get another part time job in Lincoln (or maybe even Springfield because that's still pretty close). I can't even begin to tell you how many applications I have floating around out there. I have been searching and applying for almost 2 months now. And nothing. I did have one interview, but they did not call me back.

I am beginning to get really stressed about all of this. I have been praying and praying and praying (something that I definitely need to do more of these days).

I also decided that maybe I should just find a roommate who can split the rent with me. That would at least ease part of the burden. I have put ads on Craigslist and so many other roommate websites (kinda weird that they have those...). I have gotten one response. From a guy- 36- who is married and has 2 kids. I thought that was odd. Cause he doesn't intend to move his family in with him. Luckily I still have my sense about me, because there's no way I'm letting a guy move in here with me.

I'm getting nervous because if I don't have another job or a roommate by the beginning of February... I don't think I'm going to have the fundage to continue living here. Ahhh!!!

Also... wedding planning sucks! I'm getting married in roughly 4 months and all I've gotten accomplished is ordering save-the-dates. I have friends that are getting married several months after me and they pretty much have everything planned already.

I just need some help.

Overcome

I wrote this poem as I was (and still am) struggling with issues that are so far out of my control. Sometimes there are circumstances, or changes, in life that are so difficult and that cause so much grief and sadness. Somehow though, I believe that God works in us through the pain and the hurt and the brokenness. For me, it's so hard to see how God is working in my life when I'm going through something painful. All I can see is how hurt I am and it seems like God is doing nothing to help me out. Almost like he has abandoned me in my time of desperation.

This poem was actually comprised of three different poems that I wrote through a period of several months. It kind of goes from a perspective of complete hopelessness and loss- to a period of trying to escape the pain- and then to a more reconciled perspective, where I can finally see the hand of God through the mess of things.

Overcome

Here again in a lonely place

Longing to glimpse a familiar face

The whole in my heart continues to grow

Into the night the tears always flow

This isn’t where I belong

It’s not where I fit in

There’s no familiar song

My soul cries from within

I don’t want to be here anymore

I’m tired of living this lie

Please take this mess away from me

And break this heart of stone

The darkness swoops in and corners me here

All of my peace is replaced by my fear

I struggle to stand as I cry out in vain

No one will know it causes me pain

I’ve been wounded, I’ve been beaten

Deep inside my heart is bleeding

Who could know of this pain inside

No one will know if my soul just died

It’s lonely here and it hurts so bad

I only long for what I once had

The hole that’s my heart will never be healed

I’m stuck in this darkness, alone and so scared

I ran away today

Ran from the pain, just got away

It hurt so bad, it cut so deep

I fell to the ground. I started to weep.

Where can I run to get away from it all

Where do I turn for you to hear my call

Where can I escape this unending pain

Oh God, is all this wailing only in vain

I cried alone today

Cried from the pain. Had no escape

You broke my heart

I built a wall

I fell apart

From it all

A broken heart turned to stone

Inside my fortress all alone

I want to be free

I long to escape

My one desire is for these chains to break

I want freedom from this pain

But without it, there is no gain

A broken mess restored again

A passion revived as hope floods in

This healing has brought a love so divine

I’m no longer broken, I’m no longer blind

In you I can overcome

In you I no longer need to run

With you I’m strong enough to stand

Only in you can I gain the upperhand

Unforgiveness caught me in a snare

Bitterness and anger became all that I could share

Tragedy overtook me as I blamed it all on you

I was damaged, I was broken. I didn’t know what was true

But in you I overcame

Your love has brought the rain

Of healing into my life

I will no longer lose this fight.

Getting Hitched!

Tuesday, November 3rd was my three year anniversary. Phil and I decided that we didn't really have any money so we were just going to be laid back about it. We went to Flat Top in Bloomington (one of my favorite restaurants) and debated whether or not to see a movie. We decided against it and headed back to Lincoln. On the way Phil asked if we could stop at the school. When we got there we went into the coffee shop so he could use the bathroom. As he was going in, he put a note in my pocket.

He wrote that he knew how much I enjoyed scavenger hunts, so that's what we were going to do. (Also, that's the way that Phil asked me to be his girlfriend three years ago. A scavenger hunt that led me to him and then he asked me). The first clue led me to the place where we watched on first movie as boyfriend/girlfriend. The next clue led me to where our 'pet' rock had lived for a very long time. The third and final clue led me to where he had asked me to be his girlfriend. It took me forever to find the last night, but I finally found it. I opened up the note and the ring fell out. He got down on his knees to pick it up and then... dun dun dun, since he was already on his knee he turned a looked up at me and asked me to marry him!

I was so surprised! I think I even asked him if he was serious. And I of course asked him if he had asked my dad. And then I said yes!

It was an awesome three year anniversary.

Now on to the more difficult part of planning a wedding and figuring out all of that stuff that goes along with it.

We have already decided on a date. It will be May 22, 2010. So mark your calendars!

Thanks for sharing in this exciting moment with me!!

Finally a Job

Well I managed to snag a job. And I think, for the first time in my life, I'm really excited about where I'm working. I was hired at the Pavilion, the Behavioral Health System. I am working as a Mental Health Technician. The facility is designed for a number of different programs and needs, and offers comprehensive care to youths, adults and their families. The Pavilion offers inpatient, outpatient and partial hospitalization programs for the treatment of drug, alcohol and psychiatric problems.

I feel blessed to have gotten this job. The pay is pretty decent and I also get benefits, which is something I've never had before. The only downside to the job is that it is in Champaign- which happens to be over an hour away from where I live. I will be driving roughly 2 1/2 hours everyday, which isn't exactly ideal with the winter coming up so quickly. But nonetheless, I am really excited about this job.

For me, this isn't just a job. I am of course there to make money. You cannot survive without money. It's a necessity. But where I'm working now is far greater than just a job to me. It's a passion. And I never thought I'd be passionate about working in an institution. Or a mental health facility, for that matter. But I am. And I'm passionate about this because I know that I am going to get experience working with both kids and adults who are struggling with substance abuse and different types of psychiatric problems.

And because of that, I will be going on a medical mission trip next Summer to Kenya. Heather is leading this trip with a number of co-workers and friends that are all in the medical field. I am excited to be joining this team for a number of different reasons. I'm really looking forward to going back to Kenya and seeing everyone again. There are a lot of people that I wasn't able to say goodbye too because I left so suddenly. It will be nice to be with them again. I'm also excited about this trip because I will have a different medical perspective- that of mental health. I think it will be a great experience and I know I've got a lot to learn before I actually leave. I'm so thankful for this job, because it will give me a better understanding for when I go to Kenya.

I will give a more specific update about Kenya and what we will be doing there when the time gets a little closer. Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

A Pleasant Surprise

As I've already written, I came here as a means of running away. Of course, God had other plans. What I meant to be an escape, God meant to be healing. And God knows best! So while it has been very difficult and trying, I am so grateful for this time here. Not only has it impacted me because I've had to face what's inside of me, it has also impacted me as a missionary. The things I've seen and experienced have challenged me, broken me, and filled my very being with a passion to minister to people, no matter where I am.
I also came here thinking I was getting away for two months. But again, things don't often turn out the way I planned. When the missionary purchased my ticket for me, he made it for the wrong return day. And so... surprise surprise!... I am home at the beginning of October and not the end. Yes, that's correct, I'm home now. I wanted to surprise everyone, and for the most part I have. It's been great!
I'm really glad to be home. I had mixed feelings- I really loved my time there. But I'm also happy to be back. I'm ready to find what's right around the corner from me- to help meet the needs in my own neighborhood- to do what I can for the people that are right here.
Thanks again for all your prayers and also your emails. They were really encouraging and it's something I needed at the beginning of my trip. Also, just because I'm back in the States, it doesn't mean my journey is done. I believe we're all on a journey, striving to live out the passion that is stirring up in us. I will continue to blog about my passions, my struggles and whatever experiences life throws my way.

Also... on an unrelated note- I have a job interview on Monday, and I really hope I get it!!

Here are some more pics from my trip:

Hanging out on the roof with Skylar and Nicole

Playing cards (obviously)

Hanging out with the family... watching Biggest Loser.

A Larger Picture

One of the coolest things about coming back to Peru after 3 years is seeing how the vision of the project has moved along so drastically. When I first came here, the project was in its first year. There was a team of missionary's, some from different countries here in South America, and also a North American couple. They talked about their vision for Trujillo and how they were going to reach both the people living in the barrios and the people living in the city. It seemed like such a huge task- I imagined it would take many many years to reach some of their goals. I left 3 years ago while the project was still mostly an idea.

But now... well not it's clear to see that God has been in this project from the beginning. There have been many setbacks- with some of the members of the team leaving and other in it for the wrong motives. But through all of the trials, Gods Word has prevailed. The project is growing. The teams ahve moved into 6 new barrios, where they will begin training leaders, implement community development where the people in the community become the committee, and get the kids into a sponsorship program so that their families have food, as well as a chance to get an education. Those are just a few of the things that are being done in the barrios.

A church has started in the city as well. I believe it began 2 weeks before I came here. We had a huge parade yesterday, in order to get the word out about it. Apparently parades are a big deal here. If you want people to hear about what you're doing or something you're promoting, then have a parade (as a matter of fact, a parade just went down the street. I don't know what it was for though... but there it went). It was fun and had a pretty good turnout.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday:

These were the little kids in the parade. The boy in the green is Angel (pronounces "ahn-hel"). I met him three years ago. And it was great to see him again.

Kellie and I were the "Gringa" exhibit.

All the "Princessas"

I guess my point in writing this is simply that God has the big picture. We only get glimpses of a small portion. Somtimes we're able to see a little extra. I have been blessed by getting to see a little extra here in Trujillo. I have seen this project go from a big idea that seemed impossible to accomplish, to a project that is impacting thousands of people in and around Trujillo. But more than that... I have seen hope. My last blog was filled with despair. I felt, and still do feel, overwhelmed by the immense poverty here. And I wondered if anything could be done. And while this project has in no way eradicated poverty from Trujillo, there is hope. And it's only fitting that this projects name is "Proyecto Nueva Esperanza", or in English "Project New Hope".

I would also like to tell you about one of the highlights of my time here. I went back to one of the barrios that I, of course, hadn't been to in 3 years. I was just standing there talking with some lady. Suddenly these two girls run up to me. The older one asks me if my name is Sarah. I said yes and she looks back to where some ladies are sitting, just staring at me. She nods yes to them and they all smile and start chatting again. Then the girl hugged me. It was Flor. We had hung out before. Don't tell anyone, but when the teams would come in to do construction projects, I would often sneak off and hang out with the kids. I couldn't believe that she remembered me. It was years ago and there have been so many different Americans that have come here to help out. I was elated. I was humbled. It was one of the highlights of this whole trip.

Me with Flor and her sister (Flor is on the right)

Garbage Dump Life

As we drove around the different barrios, I felt my hope slipping away. These living conditions are horrifying, demeaning and completely devastating. No human being should have to live in such poverty. These little shantys start out with the straw and sticks, sometimes newspaper is used as insulation. The floor, of course, is sand. As they earn a few dollars here and there they are able to buy bricks every now and then. Eventually they will collect enough bricks to put around the outside. These shanty-type houses are often no more than an 8x11 foot space, sometimes small than that. And it is there that whole families must reside.
But what about the bathroom? I always find myself, like most people in the West, wondering where the nearest clean bathroom is. As often happens when living in a place with unclean water, sometimes it becomes necessary (urgent even) to run to the bathroom. But in the barrios the nearest bathroom is simply behind your house. You go outside, do your business and then cover it up with sand. You don't have to be in the medical field to know that that's not sanitary- that that's how diseases are spread.
In some barrios though, there is an actual toilet. usually just one though, for the whole community to share. But even that one toilet is a rare commodity. And what happens when you have bad diarrhea in the middle of the night? These are the living conditions in the barrios. But it gets worse. Would you believe it if I told you that the barrios were a step up from the way that many people live here?
We were leaving one of the barrios where we had put in a type of septic system for the only toilet there. Jaime wanted to show us the garbage dumps. We drove around for awhile looking at various dumps with heaps and heaps of trash. People just dumped wherever, they just threw their trash wherever they saw fit. At first I was really frustrated. Why do people just throw their trash wherever they want to? Why isn't somebody doing something about the massive piles and piles of garbage? These people could live much better lives, with less sickness and disease if they weren't dumping their trash next to their homes.
Those were all the thoughts going through my head at first. But then... I began to realize that without the dumps a lot of people would die. People scrounge for food through all of that trash. And some people will collect different things to hopefully sell for a small amount of money. I even noticed that some people live in the garbage dumps. Can you imagine living in garbage? Having your children born and raised in a dump? Allowing them to romp through it, not just to play, but to survive? This is their way of life. These people are doing just that. When a new load of trash comes in, people fight each other for it.
Now if that doesn't make you want to weep, I do'nt know what would. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know how to wrap my mind around it. I don't want to become desensitized to it all. Yet how do I have compassion without my heard breaking to pieces? But something has to be done. This was never God's intention. And as much as it breaks my heart to see it, I know it hurts God so much more. Those are his children suffering and pilfering through trash in order to survive. Something has to change. What can possibly be done? Who can help them? Compassion is one thing, but compassion with action is only pity. And pity gets us nowhere.

I see them playing among the broken glass
And searching for food in the piles of trash
Their clothes are tattered and they're covered in sand
A baby among them, to young to even stand
Dirt covered faces and lice infested hair
They scour the trash piles with feet that are bare
They wrestle each other for a black piece of bread
The obvious winner decides to share it instead
One by one they grab a tiny piece
Their eyes light up as if it's a giant feast
Some eat it quickly out of excitement or fear
But some save it for later, it needs to be shared
These children are young, no older than five
Born into these dumps with a need to survive
Too poor for education, no hope for success
This cycle of poverty is a never ending process
From generation to generation the same families exist
Is it only to toil and suffer and perish?

Something that blows my mind about all of this is that the majority of the people in the city have never been to the barrios. They are oblivious to the way these people live... and they only live a few miles apart. It makes you wonder, what's right around the corner from where I live that I am completely oblivious to?

Unredeemed

I saw the lyrics for this song by Selah, and everything just seemed to fall into place. It all just made a little more sense, became a little bit clearer. We all go through painful times in our lives, and everything affects everyone differently. But it doesn't mean the pain isn't the same.
Healing is such a slow process, slower than we would like it to be. But it's in that process that God will ultimately make us stronger. It's through the healing process that we are then able to reach out to those around us, who may also be struggling.

Selah: Unredeemed

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Burning Bush

I've always thought that Moses had it easy. Because of the burning bush experience, he knew exactly what he was called to do. I've longed for my own burning bush time and time again. If God would just give me a sign then I would know what He wants of me and I would do it!

Why can't I get a Burning Bush like Moses? And then I read the story again. This time I understood it a little differently. The burning bush wasn't a sign for Moses so he would know what God wanted him to do. The burning bush was nothing more than an attention getter- so Moses would stop long enough to listen to what God had been telling him for so long.

God had been tugging at the heart of Moses for many many years. But Moses was running- he was scared. When Moses came across the burning bush he stopped and opened his heart to God. It was then that He was able to hear what God had been saying all along.

I don't want a burning bush. After understanding the implications of one, I'd rather not have one. My desire is that my heart is always open to God. I long to hear His words, to know His heart and His desire for my life.

I don't want to run away from Him, I don't want Him to have to catch my attention with a burning bush, or a mission trip to South America, or anything else. I simply want to listen to Him and know where He is directing me.

On a completely unrelated note.... Here are some pictures for those of you who want to see my face again :)

Breakfast with the ladies- after a Baptism in the Ocean!

Going out to sea..

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Hanging out with the... birds?

Time wounds all heals

It's only been a week and already so much has happened. Not necessarily with what I've been doing here, but with what has been going on inside of me.
After getting here and settling down, I realized that part of the reason I came here was simply to run away from the things that were making me sad and causing me such pain. Don't get me wrong, I also came because this is my passion. Afterall, I did go to school for this. I just know that God had his hand in this in more ways then I could have ever imagined.
I'm going to share a bit of my story because I believe that honesty and openness brings healing. And I no longer want to wear a mask that covers my feelings and all of my emotions. God created us to be emotional beings and he created us to be in community. So I'm going to share my feelings with this small community of people who may be reading this.

I left Africa feeling hurt and confused and very angry. I knew that coming back was the right thing to do, but it was still frustrating to me. I finished up my internship at a homeless shelter, but it's not what I wanted at all. From the beginning I had a bad attitude about it and I let that ruin the whole experience.
But instead of dealing with the issues that were actually bothering me- like the lady at the Mission tried to get me to do- I simply kept it all in and became pretty bitter and more upset. I thought maybe time would heal the wounds I had. But after awhile I just felt so unhappy. Leaving Africa, interning at a place I didn't enjoy, and finishing school without figuring out what I really wanted to do with my life... it all just really got to me. But more than that I was really struggling with trying to piece together my broken heart. I felt like nothing would ever be the same again.
I didn't want anyone to know that I really wasn't okay. So I just put on my "everything's perfect" mask. Only my pillow knew how I truly felt as I often cried myself to sleep, stifling my sob so no one else would hear. I am sure that some people knew that I wasn't really okay- at least those closest to me. But still I was pretending. I think mostly I was trying to trick myself into thinking I was fine.
I just felt like I needed to get away. Or, more accurately, I wanted to run away. I thought that if maybe I was someplace else, busy doing other things, that I wouldn't think about it and all would be great. Boy was I wrong! I really like how God sometimes lets us run with our ideas only to have it be the opposite of what we expected. God is so awesome because he knows exactly what we need and he'll even use our clumsy and misguided plans to teach us.

So, I came to Peru thinking I was escaping things back home, only to find that God had other plans. Now, instead of being busy and forgetting all my worries, I've had so much downtime and so much time to simply think.
Plus, I'm in another culture all by myself. Which can make it a little bit lonely at times. So there... it was just me and my thoughts/feelings alone with God.
How funny You are Lord!
This week has been really painful as I've faced all the things I've run from for so long. But it has also been good because this is exactly what I have needed. I've really been praying and reading God's word and simply listening. It's a slow process, but I'm so thankful for it. I came running away, but ultimately God's purpose was for healing.

Final Destination

Well I finally made it last night. I wasn't sure if I would ever get here. It seemed like it took nearly forever. That long layover in Miami was just ridiculous. But somehow I managed through all the different airports.
The host family that I am staying with is just awesome. They are easy to talk to and make me feel so comfortable. I'm so grateful that they have opened up their home to me. They actually just moved here from Arizona about five months ago. The funny thing is that they were on one of the short term trips that I helped organize here three years ago. They came back the next two years also and decided that they wanted to be missionaries. Everything just sort of fell into place and here they are.
I can hear them downstairs right now learning the language. Every morning their Spanish teacher comes over and they study for several hours a day. I think I may have to join them later.

I am so blessed because I have access to the internet and also a free phone. Yes, that's right... FREE! That means anyone can call me if they would like. It's an Arizona number, so if you call from your cell it will be free, but if you call from a home phone it will be like calling to Arizona. But who has landlines anymore, right? Here is the number: 623-444-2964
If someone else answers (which I'm sure they will because I'm not about to answer someone else's phone. How awkward would that be?) then just ask for me.

Well, I am about to leave now. I am going to the barrio with Danell this morning. Just jumping right in. Just what I love!!

Thank you for your prayers!

Sarah

Itinerary

I finally have my complete itinerary. I was waiting for the missionaries to buy my ticket from Lima to Trujillo, because they can get a better rate by buying in-country.

Here is my itinerary (I will depart on September 1st):

Leave Chicago O'Hare at 5:25pm
arrive in Miami at 9:25pm

Leave Miami at 7:35am (Sept 2nd)
arrive in Bogota, Colombia at 10:00am

Leave Bogota at 1:40pm
arrive in Lima, Peru at 4:35pm

Leave Lima at 8:35pm
arrive in Trujillo at 9:45 (Sept 2nd)

The only thing that I am a little reserved about is that I have such a long layover at the airport in Miami.
I am excited that none of my flights are longer than 4 hours. Sitting on an airplane is not very fun or exciting. So several short flights are better than one or two really long flights.

Please be in prayer with me as I travel. It's always a little nerve-racking to travel alone to another country. And seeing as how I always manage to get lost while I'm driving, I always get nervous that I'm going to get lost in an aiport. That really would not be fun (especially in another country). But I am blonde, so these things do happen.

Let the Countdown Begin

I bought my plane tickets yesterday! It's official- I am leaving on September 1 and returning on October 22. My departure is just 11 days away. I can't believe how soon this is.
All of this is happening so fast that it is making my head spin a little bit. It's almost like it's not real. I have been so blessed with how quickly it all came together.
To be completely honest, I really wanted to go back to Kenya. I even emailed the missionaries there before I ever even considered going to Peru. I just felt like I never got to finish what I had gone there for. But I never heard back from them. And then, when I was just about to throw in the towel, I couldn't stop thinking about Peru and the missionaries there. So I just emailed them. And in less than 2 weeks everything came together so perfectly. Thank you Lord, for this Blessing!

I'm really not entirely sure what I will do once I'm there. I know it has something to do with community development. But that is such a broad category. The last time I was there they worked a lot in the different barrios by sharing the gospel, doing feeding programs for the kids, getting the children sponsored so they could go to school, started churches and different house groups, etc. I wonder if it will be relatively similar to that.
In any case, I'm just extremely excited about going back to Trujillo.

I'll keep this updated throughout the trip. And as it gets closer to my departure, I'll put up my itinerary. Please pray with me as I prepare for this.

Sarah

Sarah the Missionary

What a crazy few days it's been! It's hard to wrap my mind around it at times, and sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm dreaming. Well here's the scoop:

After I wrote my last blog, I was beginning to think that maybe God really was wanting me to stay in Lincoln. I'm sure that I could find something in Lincoln that I love and that I'm good at. I just really wanted to go back to Kenya, but I hadn't heard anything from the missionaries there. So Friday morning I was just pouring my heart out to God. I figure he knows what I'm thinking and feeling anyway, so I might as well just share it with him. I told him that I really wanted to just go and do something- I just want Him to use me. That's my hearts desire, but if I'm supposed to stay in Lincoln then I will do that (i really didn't want to stay in Lincoln, but God knows best).

But I was tired of waiting and searching for someplace to go. So I just said that if nothing came up by Monday then I was going to fill out the stack of applications I have and get a job in Lincoln. I was certain that I could find something in Lincoln that I loved.

And all day I just kept thinking about Peru. I had been there 3 years ago, for a summer internship. It was a great experience and the missionaries there were awesome. All day long I just kept thinking about it. Finally I sent them an email, explaining that I would like to maybe come back for a little bit and asked if they would be willing to accomodate me.

Saturday I got an email back saying to call them. And I did just that. I talked to Mike and he said that I should come and that they would figure out something for me to do. I told him that I graduated from College and that my degree was in Missions. He asked if I knew anything about developing communities. I said "Well... my Focus was in Community Development, so...". And he said that was amazing because that's exactly what they were doing now.

So... I'm leaving as soon as I get the money to go. I've already been blessed with $2000, so I only need to raise about $500 more. I will be gone for almost 2 months.

I just can't explain how truly blessed I am. I am so thankful for everything that has happened. This year has been really hard for me and I've just felt so broken and lost and abandoned. I felt like God wasn't hearing my cries or that he just didn't care. But I was so wrong. He does care, it was just that I was not listening to what He was saying.

Wake up Call

The last time I wrote a blog I talked about losing my passion. It's been quite awhile since I've written and I guess a lot has happened since then. I guess, right now, it's not so much that I am losing my passion. It's more so that I'm just not utilizing my passions and my gifts. I often feel stuck and that I'm just drifting through life with no purpose. It's hard to find a place where I fit. Sometimes I just feel like I don't belong here.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with my Grandma Gladys (a wise woman she is) and she just put a lot of things into perspective for me. She just shared her own life story and talked about her relationship with God. Her words were just what I needed at that moment and they really pierced my heart- in a good way. It just really got me thinking about what I truly want out of life.

I told her that I don't want a job. I want to work- I want to do what I went to school for and I want to do what I'm truly passionate about it. I just don't want to get any ol job.

Before I left she told me that I need to do what I love- that I need to do missions. I left feeling refreshed and optimistic. In a way, I left feeling more whole than I have felt in such a long time.

On the drive home I told my mom that Grandma told me I should go on a missions trip. She said that she knew that and that Grandma told her she could sense that I was struggling. She said that Grandma told her she could see that I was waiting for God to move first, but God was waiting for me to move first. And that God can wait a lot longer than I can. That part made me laugh a little, because I'm certain that God can out-wait me anytime. But her words cut deep. They were so true and so perfect. I guess I never really realized it myself, but that's exactly what I have been doing. I've been waiting for God to move, to do something, to show me what to do. I guess, in part, I just felt like God wasn't really concerned with me and whats been going on in my life. I sort of felt abandoned. But when I heard those words, I knew that God had not forgotten me, but had been there all along- just wanting me to keep moving instead of being so scared to even move at all.

With that said, I'm currently praying about where to go and what to do. I'm ready to move and I'm in the process of doing just that. I want to follow where God is leading me, no matter where that may be (I suppose, even if that means being in Lincoln).

Losing my passion

I'm still struggling with remaining content in what I'm doing and where I'm living. I would give anything to be able to just up and move. And sometimes I think that if I weren't in a serious relationship I would do just that. But I can't possibly leave now- that would just be silly.

I just feel that I am losing or forgetting the passions and desires that were once so strong. And I'm worried that I'm going to simply settle for a mediocre job and living in a place that I don't like. Part of me feels that if I don't do what I really love now that I will never get around to doing it.

I guess that's why I'm so frustrated lately and why I've been searching non-stop online for different jobs or different things to go to school for. I just want to figure out what to do before it's too late and I'm stuck doing what I hate.

And it's not even that my life is so terrible or my job that unbearable. I can tolerate my job, it's not that bad. It's just so boring and I definitely can't see myself doing that long-term. I dread going in for several reasons; there's not a lot to do there in the middle of the night, it's extremely difficult to see the mind's of these mostly healthy elderly people deteriorate so terribly, and ... well, it's just not something that I'm passionate about at all.

I don't know where to go from here...

In a rut

Lately I've just been feeling so blah. I don't even know how to describe it. "Blah" is the only thing that I could come up with. I just feel like I'm not doing anything with my life, nothing that really matters or means anything. Nothing that I even want to do.

I'm working at an assisted living facility in Bloomington. It's not a bad job, and it pays pretty decent. But that's not at all what I want to do. I haven't gotten the job at Contact Ministries yet. The position was through AmeriCorp and they wanted me to work full time. But since I already work nights in Bloomington, that just wouldn't be possible. But I guess they are trying to figure out a way that I can work part time. I don't know... I was confused by what was going on and all the emails back and forth. Communication between me, AmeriCorp and Contact hasn't been one of our strong points. So we'll see what happens.

I feel like I am just stuck in some kind of rut. I'm not at all looking forward to this summer. I will just be working two jobs and living in Lincoln. This may come as a surprise to some people, but Lincoln isn't all that exciting. I wish I had the money to go on a Mission trip. I'd love to go back to Kenya or Peru. Or wherever. Any place but here.

I suppose I'll just have to make the best of the situation I'm in. I am working and making money. So maybe I'll be able to save up enough to go on a Mission trip in several months. In the meantime... who knows what.

Well what now?

Friday was officially the last day of my internship! I am completely done with everything. Graduation is the next step!

My last few days there were pretty fun. Mostly because I hung out with Bonnie a lot. She is the lady that I had mentioned in a previous blog. Working with her this semester has been quite the experience. It's been fun and enjoyable, and it's also been kind of scary because you just never know what might set her off. Schizophrenia is a weird thing. But the last few days of my internship were pretty good with Bonnie. One day we were sitting on the porch just talking. I happened to have my camera with me and we decided to take some silly pictures together. It was probably the best time I had had all semester. It was just so joyful sitting there and laughing with Bonnie. I will continue to pray fo

r her. It's sad to think that she might end up leaving the Mission and going back to her lifestyle of betrayal and abuse. I pray that she will rema

in there and get the help that she so desperately needs.

Here are a few of our pictures...

I have also been blessed with a job already, possible two. Soon I will be starting work at Contact Ministries. Previously I wrote about my experience there during one week of my internship. It was a great experience and I absolutely loved working with those ladies there. It's only a temporary position at first, but there's always the possibility of moving up on the ladder.

I also may be working at a Nursing Home in Bloomington. I have my CNA license and I think it would be a great idea to utilize that, mainly because the pay is pretty good.

But that's about it. Hopefully everything works out just dandy.

Crossing the Finish Line...

This is it. My last week as an intern. I couldn't be more excited about being done. Mainly because this is the last hurtle before I graduate. I'm also excited about being done because... well quite frankly this hasn't been an easy semester. The internship itself hasn't really been hard and it hasn't really even been challenging. I just how up and do what needs to be done, no big deal. It's really everything else going on in my life right now that has made this semester so difficult for me.

The truth of the matter is, I have been really hurt. And because of that, I have just sort of shut down all semester long. I just kind of tucked my emotions away and pretended that everything was okay. On the outside all has appeared neat and calm and okay. But on the inside... everything is in chaos and turmoil. I'm broken. I took out my inward frustrations and hurts on this internship. I blamed the internship for the way that I was feeling. I thought that it was just being here that made me feel the way that I did. I thought that maybe if I were in Africa still everything would be better. But the truth is that everything wouldn't be better. It would be different, yeah. I wouldn't have to face the realities of what's going on around me, I wouldn't have to be in the middle of it and see the hurt and heartache. At least right now anyway. But if I were in Africa still, I would be coming home in a few days and then I would have to face it all.

Anyway, all of this is just to say that my internship is over in 4 more days and I feel like I haven't grown any. I feel like I've been set back and that I'm more lost and broken than when I first began. I thought these experiences were supposed to make us grow?

Moving On...

Graduation is in 2 short weeks! I'm excited, but I'm also getting a little nervous because I have no idea what I'm going to do now that school is done. I haven't been able to find a job yet. And quite frankly, I'm beginning to get desperate enough to take the first thing that's hiring.

On a more exciting note... my Roommate from college is coming back from Thailand tomorrow and we will be living together once again! I'm so stoked... I about can't stand it.