Commitment Issues

Well, I've realized one very important fact about myself. I don't do well with commitment.

Okay, now before you start commenting on my marriage, and that I should have figured this one out  before I tied the knot...let me just explain.

My commitment issues have nothing to do with my relationship with my husband. The commitment I'm talking about is mostly related to jobs and other tasks or goals that I set for myself. Here's the deal with the job situation:
I have a hard time committing to a job because it stifles my spontaneity and my freedom (or so it seems to me). If I could find a job that allowed me to make my own hours and do my own thing...well shoot, I'd be the happiest person in the world. But that's not realistic. I just always feel so tied down and immobile with a job, especially a full time job. And can I just be honest here? It actually depresses me. Makes me feel trapped and isolated. I'm sure most people feel the same way though.
I also have a hard time committing to my own goals. Maybe I just lack discipline and ambition. I'm not quite sure. But...as you've probably noticed, I kind of just stopped posting pictures for my picture blog. And after a few weeks of no pictures, I just told myself "It's almost been a year anyway". Wow! Lazy much?
The truth is, it's been really difficult for me to be productive with anything lately. Since we are short 2 managers now, I am working full time (please refer to my previous statement about work). It's taking it's toll on my body. My giant body. Carrying a child does NOT make things easier.

So, I have not been taking pictures, I have not been reading a book a month, and I really haven't been doing much of anything except working, sleeping and eating. It's all gotten quite pathetic.

But there is good news to this sad miserable story. Hubs informed me that I could put in my 2 weeks (maybe he saw how miserable of  person I was becoming. Or...maybe he was just tired of having to make his own meals all the time), and be a stay-at-home mom-to-be.
And so, as of February 4th, I will be just that!

The Rush of the New Year

Wow. Is it really 2012 already? It seems odd to me that it is January, when I really don't remember what happened to November and December. Where did the days go? Everything seems to be hurrying past me lately, and I feel like I barely have time to sit down and just breath (which, incidentally is becoming harder and harder to do).
Lately I have been working full time. Which is not something that I signed up for. Especially at a job I just cannot stand. Retail. The word makes me cringe. The actual job makes my whole body shudder. I do not like retail. It's a miracle that I have survived that place this long. Next month will mark my one year anniversary at that place. And really, the thought just makes me roll my eyes.

Oh maternity leave, how I desire you!

Less talk of work, more talk of....other things.

A recap of 2011, if you will:

I began 2011 feeling lost and hopeless. For several long months after the miscarriage I was just in survival mode. It was difficult to experience true joy, and all I really wanted was to lay down and cry. And most days that's what I did. It was a difficult beginning to the year, and I could not imagine in getting any better.

In March we were asked to consider joining Pioneer Bible Translators, and it was something that we didn't take lightly. We prayed about the possibilities, and dreamed about what was to come. In June we attended Pioneer Mission Institute and learned an overwhelming amount of information about PBT. But more than that, our hearts were even more broken for the nations, and it was our desire to go where God was sending us and to do what He was calling us to do.
After much prayer and talking it over with several people, we started the application process. It was a much longer process than we had anticipated, mostly because of my own hesitation and fears. But before the year's end we finally completed everything.

In June we also moved out of our moldy apartment, and back to that tiny studio in Lincoln. The one that had once accommodated me, my 2 friends and our giant dog. It wasn't a move that I was particularly joyful over, but it did have it's perks. For one, we lived right next door to our good friends. Of course, they moved far far away shortly after we got there, and then we were stuck in Lincoln with no friends or family nearby. Dreadful, I tell you. Just dreadful. But we muddled through. Actually, it wasn't that bad.

In August I went on this amazing trip to Colorado with 2 of my very best friends. Had to have been one of the best and memorable trip of my life! It was a week full of belly laughs and adventures. It was a glorious trip, and I hope that one day we will get to do something like that again.

Roughly 2 weeks after I got back, I found out I was pregnant!! (I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder...wink wink). I still get teary eyed when I think of that moment I saw the positive pregnancy test. Okay, teary eyed isn't the right phrase. I still cry and my whole being is overwhelmed with great emotion. I literally sobbed when I saw it was positive. I was overjoyed and in shock. And over the next few months, Heavens thrones were filled with my constant prayers about that tiny baby growing inside of me.

In October we went to India, and that trip transformed my life. It was a very difficult trip, mainly because we came face to face with persecuted Christians and it was challenging to see their immense and beautiful faith. We know nothing of persecution and hardship. And for the first time ever, I knew that the calling on my life is a call to come and die. I'm not trying to be dramatic here, but the truth is that the Lord is calling us to take up our cross and follow Him. And it isn't a flippant call to say you're a Christian and do good things. It's a call to step out your comfort zone, to abandon your own desires and plans, and to pick up His cross and do whatever it is He wants you to do. It was a life altering trip. I knew that I had to put aside my fears, and jump in with both feet. So when we got home, we finished up the rest of the stuff for PBT and sent everything in.

In December we found out 2 great things: First, we are having a little girl. And the name that I had picked out for her for many many years, just didn't seem right when it came right down to it. So, we are having a girl, but we are not sure what we will name her. Yet.
And second, we became PBT recruits!

And so, the year ended in quite a different way than it had begun.
Mourning the loss of a baby to rejoicing the good news of a baby girl.
And being asked to consider joining PBT to being missionary recruits!

Thinking and talking about what transpired in 2011 makes me cry. What a wonderful God we serve! I could not see how this story was going to progress, but it ended up being a redemption story! Thank you Father for taking care of my life and leading it the way you lead it.

What a year!

#301: What I found in my mailbox...

I found this in my mailbox today. I don't know about you, but I find this rather creepy. Also, there were 3 random coupons in there too. 

Totally. Weirded. Out.

#300: Baby Bump- Week 20

My big ol tummy at 20 weeks! Hey, we are halfway there!

And yes...these were taken at work. Slow night.  haha!

#299: Baby Bump's First Christmas

I did not expect to get gifts for our little girl. But surprising, and joyfully, we did get a few. My mom and Dennis gave us several cute outfits, rattles, itty bitty baby socks and some diapers. Totally adorable!
At my Grandpa's house, we were also given an extremely soft Baby Blanket and 2 cute little outfits! Completely unexpected, but definitely appreciated! Thanks Dale and Katie :-)

My favorite outfit so far :-)

#298: Christmas Eve

Today we spent Christmas Eve at my mom's house. Well, the morning and afternoon, that is. It was fun getting to hang out with family (even my annoying and obnoxious brothers).

In the late afternoon/early evening we all headed over to my Grandpa's house. It's a tradition to spend Christmas Eve with that side of the family. They are loud and crazy, and it's always a good time.

Here I am with me and my 3 brothers (only one of them isn't annoying and obnoxious...)

#297: Baby brother...what a goof!

I love when my mom sends my pictures of Nolan! They are always so funny and adorable. Apparently today she found him like this: 

What an adorable baby brother I have! 

And to think that him and my baby will be only 2 years apart. How fun!!

#296: Christmas Party!

#295: Baby Bump- Week 19

#294: Back to the grounds....

Now that we are down a manager again, and my hours have picked up exponentially....I need my beloved coffee! Or at least, I tell myself that I do. Today was the first day in many many many months that I have made coffee.
Phil keeps saying "I don't remember your coffee tasting THIS GOOD!". I guess he's been having withdrawals too. Haha!

#293: A ceiling fan!

Who gets excited about a ceiling fan? This girl! I've never had a ceiling fan before. Well, not since I moved out of my parents house a long time ago. Now we have our very own ceiling fans!

#292: Bubble Bath!

Oh my goodness, a bubble bath! I can't tell you how long it's been since I've been able to sit in one of these. At our old apartment, there was only hot water for about 5 minutes. Definitely not enough to fill a tub. But here....oh it's just fabulous!

#291: Chocolate Milk!

I've been on this crazy chocolate milk kick lately! I just can't seem to get enough. This stuff is amazing! Are there drugs in it?! I don't know. And right now, I don't care. Just give me my chocolate milk!

#290: Is it a boy or a girl?!

We had our ultrasound today! It was so amazing getting to see the baby, especially since it actually almost looks like a real baby now. The last ultrasound was at 7 weeks, and it just looked like a little squiggle. I called it my little gummy bear.

This time our baby looked like a skeleton. Or an alien. But at least the baby is growing!

And...dun, dun dun, It's a Girl!!

Well, the lady said that she is 85% sure it's a girl. She had her legs crossed the whole time (the baby, not the ultrasound tech), and was being very stubborn and wouldn't move.

But...I asked if it's okay to go buy stuff now, and she said yes! So to the store we go!! Well...when we get some money, I guess.

 These are her tiny little feet and legs. You can see that her ankles are crossed. Awww!

This is her little bitty foot. Her toes are pointing down 

(and yes, we made sure she had all ten fingers and toes!)

Ahh! It's a Girl!!

#289: Not going hungry today!

Today I stopped by my hilarious celiac friends house to get my laundry detergent (now that I have my own washer and dryer, I need to collect the detergent I've left at various places!).

We moved a few essentials to Springfield and we are now living in that bare-bones apartment until we can rent a U-haul and get the rest here. Unfortunately, we don't have any food.

Kristin, bless her little heart, offered me this yummy variety of delicious foods. Now I won't have to starve at work!! Thanks friend!!

#288: Baby Bump- Week 18

#287: Packing Packing Packing

Packing is the pits! I dread it, I despise it, I just plain can't stand it!! But, it must be done. And since I've only been scheduled to work 2 days this week (WHAT?! That's amazing!), I have plenty of time to get it done.

 Ahhh...crap everywhere!!!

I had packed up all the bowl and silverware, and then I remembered that I still needed to eat. Luckily this pot and wooden spoon were still not packed. So...I just ate it like this. And ya know what...I ate it ALL!! A whole box of macaroni and cheese all to myself (well, and the baby, I guess).

And the baby loved it!!

#286: Rise and Shine!

I guess it was more like a girl's weekend out. This morning we woke up, got ready, and headed out to Panera (where we managed to get free pumpkin spice lattes!!). Then we went to Kristin's house and listened to this amazing sermon about contentment. Exactly what I needed to hear!
This weekend was amazing, and I hope we can do it again soon (especially before the baby comes and takes up all my free time... Yikes!)

#285: Girls Night Out!

Today was a fabulous day! I spent the morning with my real life missionary friend, Jenna, and we went to Starbucks and then to Target for some Christmas shopping. Later, we met up with my hilarious celiac friend, Kristin, and we went to Olive Garden for some yummy food!

We spent the evening just laughing and having so much fun! We stayed at the Crowne Plaza for $29!! And it was glorious!!

A much needed break and time of good friends and lots of laughter. I miss my girls!

Also, today is Kristin's birthday!! Welcome to the big 2-6!

#284: New Apartment!

Today we signed the lease on our new home! It's a townhouse with 2 bedrooms, a washer/dryer, and a dishwasher! What?! That's insane! I've never had those awesome amenities before, and I am quite stoked about it!

This is the view when you first walk into the apartment. Our tiny living room. Not sure how we're going to fit our furniture in here....but we shall see.

 This is our awesome kitchen! Quite spacious, and with tons of cabinets. I just love it! 

But...that's not the best part.....

 Ta da!! A dishwasher! Mini though it may be, it's totally awesome. And the landlord said it's brand new, because he has to replace the old one that wasn't working. Woohoo!! (oh, and not to mention a full size oven! I'm in heaven!)

 Washer and dryer. Oh yeah!

 Stairs to go....upstairs. Hmmm

 And a few more stairs....

First bedroom (on the right, at the top of the stairs). This is our bedroom. It's quite a bit bigger with a much bigger closet!!

The view with the closet!

 This is the tiny hallway. Bathroom on the left, second bedroom straight across.

 Bathroom!! Complete with a bathtub and hot water! Oh how I am so excited about hot water!!

 Bedroom #2- The Baby's room. Or, as Phil likes to call it, his office. 

Not for long, buddy, this baby is on it's way!!

Another angle of bedroom #2

And that is the end of the tour! I can't wait to move in. Sometime next week, I believe!