Excitement and Tragedy- Joy and Sorrow

I wasn't going to write about this. I wanted it to be my own, to hold on to it and not let others know what had happened. But then I was thinking about some of my other posts and I remembered that I had written about being open and honest. I guess I believe that sometimes the joys and pains that we go through in life can often benefit others. To share your struggles and your accomplishments, your trials and your victories, your pain and your joy can really be a benefit to other people as well. Especially those who may be going through the same things.


Anyway, on October 30th I found out that I was pregnant. I actually took 4 pregnancy tests just to be sure! It was exciting news! And while Phil and I both felt super overwhelmed and like we were not prepared at all, we were both very excited. I tried to contain the news to close friends and family, because I knew that things were pretty risky the first couple of months. Of course, word spreads quickly, even if you're trying to contain it. Before we knew it, ALL of our friends and family knew. And it was just so exciting getting to celebrate with people.


I remember telling Phil that I my biggest fear is that I would go to the doctor (for my very first appt) and they would tell me that I actually wasn't pregnant. And it was that very day that I started having horrible cramps and some bleeding.
In an effort to spare all the heartbreaking details, I'll just say that a visit to the emergency room confirmed my fears; I was having a miscarriage.
These last few weeks have been so difficult. I feel this emptiness and this overwhelming sadness at times. It's like...my world has stopped. And it's so weird when I feel like my world is falling apart, but I look around and everyone else is going on living. I feel such pain and heartache.


I lost something so dear to me. I lost something that I wanted so badly. And it hurts so deeply. Wouldn't it be nice if they invented band-aids for the heart? I need a band-aid to cover up this wound.
I'm trying to see the good in this. I'm trying to figure out the purpose or the reason. So far I've come up with nothing. I trust God, and I know that he is good. I know that he loves me and that he has my best interest at heart. I just can't figure out how all of this plays into that.
And I know that miscarriages are common, and that there's nothing I could have done to stop it. I know that it's not my fault, but that over half of all miscarriages are caused by chromosomal factors that are out of our control.
I know all of this. In my head I know these things. But sometimes my head and my heart don't communicate, and sometimes when they do communicate they don't understand each other. In my head I know all of this, but my heart still hurts so badly.


I guess time will help...

The Merciless Revealer

Marriage...ah marriage.

These past 5 months have been so great! There have been so many laughs, so much joy, so many surprises and fun times. I love my husband dearly, and I am thrilled to be married to this man.

But that doesn't mean that marriage isn't also filled with some heartache and sadness, some fights and some bad times. That's all a part of learning and growing in your relationship. I guess for me, it's what you take away from those moments.

It seems to me that marriage is full of learning moments. I'm constantly learning new things about Phil and even about myself. It's strange how living with one person and constantly being around that one person reveals so much about yourself. I read a quote by Katherine Anne Porter that pretty much sums it up. She said "Marriage is the merciless revealer, the great white searchlight turned on the darkest places of human nature".

It's so true! There are things about myself that are being revealed. Things that I just don't like.

And then I think, well...it's really kind of a blessing in disguise because now I have the opportunity to work on those terrible flaws that I have. And would I have worked on them before? Well, probably not because I really didn't know what kind of a monster was in me all this time :-)

But seriously, I think that marriage is a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and then change those things that need to be dealt with.

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My desire is to be involved in a woman's ministry. I want to meet with other married woman and discuss....well marriage! I want to talk to others about the joys of being married, about the struggles of marriage, about our husbands, about our dreams and passions and whatever else is going on in life.

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Okay...I'm just going to say it. I don't care what other people say. In fact, I know that there is a bet going on how long I will actually stay at this one job. But....I'm gonna say it anyway: I don't really care for my job.

Here's the thing (yes, I know...I always have SOME excuse): It's like working in a nursing home. And anybody that knows me knows that I HATE working in a nursing home. I just can't do it. I don't have it in me. It's not my thing. I have no desire whatsoever, no passion, nothing.

And all of a sudden, I just don't care for the healthcare field. Maybe it has run its course.

Or, maybe my problem is that I just feel like I need to try everything. I don't know what my deal is. But I do know that this job is not what I thought it would be. Geriatrics? Really?

What I really want (career wise) is a job in the field that I actually went to school for. I'm not at all interested in going back to school for something else. I went to college for 5 years, I put in my time. I want to utilize the degree that I already have. Is that so much to ask? So, now I am searching and searching for something that will suit me. Suit my passions and my desires.

Of course, I'm not about to quit the job that I have. So please, don't start trying to collect on those bets just yet. And ya know what...maybe I won't even tell anyone if I quit my job and get something else.

Maybe it'll be my little secret (well, Phil's secret too, I guess)....

25 Goals for my 25th Year

So, today is my birthday. The big 2-5. A quarter of a century. Gosh, I feel old.

Anyway, I decided that this was a good year to do a self evaluation and make some goals for my life. At least, make some goals for my 25th year of life. I actually was inspired by two of my friends who told me about goals that they had made. I guess, if we are going to be honest, I stole this idea from them. But...lots of people make goals, So I figured that I could do it too.

Here are my 25 goals that I hope to accomplish (or at least start) before I turn 26 (Oh my gosh...that sounds so old!)

25 Goals for my 25th Year:

1. Stay at this job for one year

2. Go on a mission trip in the summer

3. Go back to school- or figure out what I want to do with my life

4. Find a mentor

5. Exercise 3-4 times a week

6. Weekly prayer/worship time-alone

7. Be involved in an activity (outside of home)

8. Find a ministry-get involved

9. Walk to work twice a week

10. Go on vacation with Phil

11. Learn to read Spanish

12. Weekly planned date night with Phil (in or out of the house)

13. Be a member at RCC

14. Sponsor a missionary

15. Write a book (or...at least seriously start it)

16. Read the Bible Daily

17. Memorize weekly Bible verses

18. Learn to play the guitar

19. Go back to my blonde hair

20. Scrapbook my pictures

21. Don't get pregnant!

22. Read marriage books (at least 5)

23. Lose 20 lbs

24. Blog often (at least once a month)

25. Start writing poems again

A Struggle with Contentment

Lately I've been doing the one thing that our pre-marital counselor told us never to do. I've been comparing myself to others. I look at my friends and I see that many of them have great jobs- jobs that they love, and jobs that pay well. Some of my friends live in houses-houses that are furnished, houses that have cable and internet. Many of my friends get to go out and do fun things (and take great honeymoons) because they have the money to do so. I look at their lives and I compare it to my life. And I seem to fall way short.

I have been struggling with contentment. I need to stop comparing myself with others, because I have all that I need right here. I am married to my best friend, who absolutely loves me! We have a roof over our head. We are not going hungry. We have everything that we need already.
I can learn a lot from Paul, who writes in Philippians 4 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

I don't know why I continue to compare myself with others. Not just material things, but physically also. You know how girls are...we look at someone that is skinnier than us or someone that just seems to be a little bit cuter, a little bit sexier, put together just a little bit better. We compare and then somehow we are not enough anymore.
This is my struggle these days. I don't know why I do it.

Because I really do have all I need right here.

Adjusting to this new life

Sometimes I still think it's strange to be married. Or rather, that I am married. Most of the time, I'm still unsure how to act as a married woman. It just seems like I'm living with a man now, and nothing is really different. Other than we are constantly around one another. Which has it's good and bad points. :-)
The other morning I woke up and looked at Phil and thought "There is a man in bed. Weird." It's still sometimes strange to me that we live together. That we are married.

Being married is not as easy as I thought it would be. I know that everyone says marriage is hard, and through all the pre-marital counseling sessions we went through (and we went through a lot! I wanted to make sure we did it right), I knew that marriage wouldn't be easy. It's just...I didn't know what it was about marriage that wasn't easy. Nobody came right out and said "this is difficult and this is difficult". I guess it's just one of those things that you figure out for yourself. And maybe it's different for everyone.
Luckily we haven't had any serious difficulties (yet). I think the biggest adjustment for me is being around each other all the time. Living in the same space. Sharing everything. It's the little things. Adjusting to how he does things versus how I do them. And trying not to be annoyed in the process.
I like the bed to be made after we wake up. To me, it just make the room feel cleaner. He could care less. We're just gonna sleep in it again. And when he does make the bed...I find myself getting annoyed at the WAY he makes. Stupid stuff like that. Stuff that doesn't really matter, but everyday stuff.
There are bigger things that we are starting to get into as well. Through all of our counseling, we learned that money is the number one thing that most couples fight about. Well, we are no different. Our spending habits are completely different. And it doesn't help matters that neither one of us have gotten a job yet. So we are also learning how to communicate with one another effectively. Our communication styles are completely different.
It's all just a learning process. And we haven't even been married 3 months yet :-)

Luckily though, Phillip is my best friend. And that's not going to change. He's the sweetest guy I know. He loves me, he cherishes me, and he would do anything to make me happy. He puts up with me and continues to love me even when I'm intentionally being annoying.
What a guy!

‎"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

A Place to Call Our Own

Finally! Phil and I have our own place! It is such an amazing feeling to be able to have a home...a place of our very own. It was nice getting to stay at his parents house for the summer. We pretty much had the place to ourselves. Free internet, free cable, free air-conditioning, and lots of free food. But I still felt like a wandering nomad.
And when we would go to visit friends/family on the weekends, we always had to find a place to stay. Luckily we have amazing friends and family that would let us crash with them, but still...I felt like a nomad.

The apartment hunt was not an easy task. Especially with the budget we have. Amazingly, we were able to snag an apartment that has a decent size living room, a pretty big kitchen, a huge bedroom and plenty of closet space! I still can't believe we got such a great deal on this place. Phil said we should get it because it was unlikely we would find anything with so much space for such a little price. So we did!! And I finally got to open up the gifts we got for our wedding shower....way back in April.
I have yet to use it though, because we haven't actually moved in yet. Phil is still finishing up his internship. This is his last week. And then we will be able to actually reside in our new place! I am extremely stoked for the end of the week!

On a different note...I'm beginning to wonder if this whole nursing thing is not for me. Everytime I enroll for classes, or try to get into a program, something always comes up and I am unable to go through with it. Even now, I am enrolled for my pre-reqs for the nursing program, and I am now unable to pay for the classes. And any payment plan that they offer is still too much at this time. Is this God closing the doors for me to go into Nursing? Is it maybe that there is something else out there for me, something that doesn't require more schooling?
Maybe those are just my desires. It would be lovely to not have to go back to school, but to be able to find my dream job.
Sometimes I wonder if that is even possible.

And so we take the good with the bad. I have a place to call my own, but I'm uncertain about what's to come in the next few days/weeks.

Do dream jobs even exist?

Being a grown up and having responsibilities is a bit scary at times. Currently I am still jobless. However, we have taken on a giant expense that is making me very nervous. We recently got an apartment in Springfield and neither one of us have jobs here yet. Phil is still finishing up his internship for school, so we haven't both officially moved in yet. We're still sort of living between places (which is another headache of its own).
So here we are, both with no income and more and more bills accumulating.

I've been struggling lately with the idea of going back to school. Here is my thoughts on that; I want to go back to school for nursing because I think I would love it, there are tons of opportunities for nursing, and I could do medical missions. However, it's more schooling and I'm tired of school. I went to college for four years and got a Bachelor's. It's completely frustrating that I am not able to use my degree. And that's my beef with Lincoln Christian College. I loved the classes there (well, some of them anyway), the professors were great, and I made some amazing friends. Oh, and I met my wonderful husband there! But I'm struggling to find the practicality in the degree that I got.
All I want right now is to find a job that fits my bachelors degree and also fits my passions. Aside from moving to another country and starting an orphanage or something, I can't even begin to think of what it is I would do.
And I fear that I'm going to be stuck in a mediocre job that I'm over-qualified for and that I absolutely hate. I'm tired of jobs that make me miserable and depressed. I want to find my niche, the place where my passions meet up with the needs in the community.

Is that even possible?

New business, new home?

The past few weeks have pretty much been the exact same thing. I stay home all day while Phil goes to his internship site. I read, I check my email and facebook, I watch some tv, I clean up, once in awhile I'll go run or something. It's all pretty boring.
Phil and I came up with a great idea to ease some of my boredom and to make money. Start my own scrapbooking business. It sounded brilliant! I love scrapbooking, and I love to make money. What better way to utilize those two passions than to make a business of it.
So, I've begun to do the research for this project. Phil gave me a whole list of things that I need to research and figure out before I can actually begin. I told him to just let me loose in hobby lobby and I'd have it all figured out. But, apparently there's a lot more that goes into a business than just simply making the things that I want to make.
I'd prefer he do all the boring business stuff and just let me do the scrapbooking. I'm ready to get to work!

So, that's been my task these last several days. And...I will admit that I've done less research and more buying on ebay. Shhh...don't tell Phil. He probably wouldn't appreciate that too much.
(Just kidding, I have to tell him when I'm buying something).

And now I am in the middle of apartment hunting. We are looking for a place in Springfield, and I have been diligently scouring the internet for open apartments. I'm ready to move NOW! Don't get me wrong, living here is just fine and dandy. But I am so ready to have our own place. And I really want to get to use all of the stuff we got for our wedding shower. It's been like 3 months, and everything is still packed up in its original boxes.
So tomorrow I head to Springfield (without the hubs) to search for a place to call home. Hopefully it will come to pass....!

The Madonna House

I definitely need to start being more productive with my life. Just being lazy and bum-like was fun for a time, but after a few weeks I just start to feel so worthless. I need to have some kind of meaning to my life. I need to be doing something...something that means something.
And so I found a place here in Quincy that works with pregnant woman who need assistance, as well as offers a food pantry, diaper pantry and clothing closet to those in the community. I was instantly intrigued and wanted to offer my services. I called them up, set up a time to meet and then I journeyed to the Madonna House.
Turns out, it's about a 30 minute walk. Google insisted that I walk down 9th street the entire way. I wasn't really sure why, considering that it was on 12th street. I could have just walked down the same street all the way there. But, I thought that Google knew something that I didn't, and I wasn't about to get caught in some kind of scary area.
Well, little did I know that Google was, in fact, taking me through a very scary area.
The further I continued to walk, the more nervous I became. You know you're in a strange neighborhood when men are half naked and pulling heavy objects down the road in wagons. Or when a vehicle is driving down the road, but slows way down when passing you up.
I was walking past this maintenance garage, when all of a sudden I saw this man practically running toward me. He got to the edge of the driveway and started mumbling at me. He stated that "You went the wrong way. You should have gone through the back door." He continued to mumble other things that I could not understand.
I walked away quickly, thinking that I had indeed gone the wrong way. And next time I will not listen to Google. I also decided that next time I will not wear such bright clothing.

I finally made it to the Madonna House, but I was earlier than I had anticipated. So I decided to take a stroll to the next block. Oddly enough, I found the John Wood mansion and log cabin. I decided to walk around. Apparently, one could tour the place. I thought it would be fun for Phil and I to go there someday. But then I realized that it actually seemed quite lame. It was just a big house, probably a little bit bigger than the one I am living in now. They had a tiny store next to the "mansion", and it also doubled as the visitor center. After about 5 minutes I was bored with the place. Plus, it was about 94 degrees outside and I felt I might die of heat exhaustion. So I went to the Madonna House.

The ladies that work there are extremely nice and fun to be around. I decided that the Madonna House could be my new hang out place. I told them that I am not doing anything productive this summer, so I wouldn't mind volunteering any day out of the week. My experience there was fun, and I look forward to going back.

On the walk home, I decided that I would take 12th street the entire way. And I discovered why Google had sent me down 9th street. The two streets were just blocks from one another, yet they were drastically different. While 9th street was complete with houses that all had 'No Trespassing' signs on their doors, unmowed lawns, dingy looking houses and broken sidewalks (not to mention the half naked men pulling heavy objects down the street), 12th Street was filled with Mansion sized houses, freshly manicured lawns, great looking sidewalks and streets that were made of gold. Okay, maybe the streets were not made of gold, but they might as well have been.
And maybe Google didn't intentionally send me down 9th street so I would be aware of the odd and almost tragic difference between streets, but it sure opened up my eyes.

The Pains of Spontaneity

Yesterday I decided to be a little adventurous. I've been cooped up in our tiny living quarters for far too long, and I needed a breath of fresh air. Little did I know that being spontaneous came with a price.

At first, I was just going to walk to the post office. I had a general idea of where it was, so I made myself a bagel sandwich and headed out into the heat. I really had no idea that it was going to be that hot outside. But, I told myself that I was a brave little soul, and that a little heat wouldn't kill me. The workers outside the front door greeted me with a hearty hello. I just grunted and waved, as my mouth was full of bagel sandwich. Later I wondered what they were doing right outside the front door. The empty lot next to the house is being turned into a parking lot, so there are always workers and big trucks out there making lots of noise. But that is the side of the house, not the front. Strange.

So I knew that the Post Office was on 8th street, but I wasn't entirely sure how to get to 8th street. Later I found out that 8th street was just the next street over from the house. So, if I had turned right, instead of left, when I was leaving, I would have been on the street I needed to be on. I guess I should have looked at the street signs a little closer, because I didn't realize that I was on 9th street the entire time. I just kept trudging along in the heat, hoping that one of the streets would turn into 8th. It never did. Finally, I happened to notice that I was on 9th street and that I just needed to walk a block to get to my street of destination.

Once on 8th street, I wasn't sure which way to walk down. Had I passed up the post office, or did I still need to continue walking in the same direction I had been on 9th street? I decided that I just didn't know. So I texted Chacha the address for the post office in Quincy. Chacha is a service that answers your questions through text messages. It can be awfully convenient when you're in a real bind. However, my experience with chacha has been less than ideal. I don't know why I continue to bother with it.
For example, Phil and I were driving to Quincy the other day. All of a sudden, the sky looked very ominous and then it started pouring and lightening and thundering. It was quite scary. I texted Chacha to see if there were any tornados in the area. Chacha texted me back and declared that I was out of questions and that I would have to wait a certain amount of days to ask another question. I thought that odd, considering I hadn't sent them any messages for quite some time. Phil insisted that I text on his phone. I did. And Chacha said that they needed me to answer 4 questions before they would answer my question.
I was quite taken aback. Considering this could have been a life and death situation. I begrudgingly answered their lame questions and finally got my answer. The answer was that there were thunderstorms in the area. That's it?! Obviously there are thunderstorms. We were caught in the middle of it. I just wanted to know if there was a tornado that we should be aware of.

This question asking escapade wasn't any better. Instead of giving me the address to the post office in Quincy, Chacha gave me the addresses of the post offices in all of the surrounding towns. I was thoroughly annoyed.
Finally I just picked a direction and started walking. Luckily I only had to walk about 5 feet, because I was standing in front of the post office the entire time.

After I got my stamps, I decided that it would be a great idea to walk all the way to the mall. From the house, it is a little over two miles. But I was quite a distance from the house. I don't know how far it was, but I can tell you that it was no easy task. I wore these sandals that I thought would be comfortable. And they are pretty comfortable, if you're not trudging in them for miles. By the time I got halfway there, my feet hurt so bad I thought I might cry.
Finally I made it to the mall. I decided that I would take my shoes off, but strangely enough my feet hurt just as bad with them off as they did with them on. I didn't understand it.
I limped around the mall, trying to find the store that I had went there for.
My best friends bachelorette party is next month, and I needed to get her some goodies. Luckily we got a gift card from our wedding, so I was allowed to use that.

After finishing up my shopping, I tried getting ahold of Phil because there was no way I could walk back to the house. Sadly, my phone was dying and I wasn't sure I would get ahold of him. I needed him to pick me up on his way back from work.
After what seemed like an eternity, Phil got the message and headed my way. Another eternity later, and he was there. As I got in the car Phil informed that some punk kid had side swiped him while driving down the road. But Phil was too tired and frustrated to care at the moment and didn't stop.
I was just happy to be off my feet.
And I think the next time I decide to be spontaneous...I will wear more comfortable shoes.

Losing it All

I was reading in Sacred Marriage the other day, when I came across a paragraph that really grabbed my attention;
Godliness is selflessness, and when a man and woman marry, they are pledging to stop viewing themselves as individuals and start viewing themselves as a unit, as a couple. In marriage, I am no longer free to pursue whatever I want; I am no longer a single man. I am part of a team, and my ambitions, dreams, and energies need to take that into account.
-Sacred Marriage (77)

Lately I had been thinking about how, after I got married, I sort of lost my freedom and my independence. I jokingly told my friends that once you get married, you just start losing things; your own bank account, money, friends, freedom, etc. I was joking when I said it, but there was a truth to what I was saying. I did feel like I had slowly starting losing things since I said "I do".
After all, we did get a joint checking account and now we are on a tight budget (especially since Phil is the only one working). I am not allowed to go spend willy nilly, and I have to ask if I can buy things. I can't just go galavanting off with my friends and take random roadtrips. No longer can I spontaneously decide to lave the country and go on a mission trip for a month or two. And right after we got married, we moved to Quincy, which is no where near any of my friends. So, in a sense, I did lose several things after getting married.

But ya know what? I have gained so much more! I married my best friend and I get to spend the rest of my life with a man that makes me incredibly a happy. And after reading the passage in Sacred Marriage, I realized how true it is that the two become one once they are united in Marriage. And that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. It's great, it's amazing. It's perfect.
It has taken me a while to understand this whole concept of dying to self. But I think that I am starting to understand it more and more each day. The truth of the matter is that it's not about me. It's about US! And I am excited about no longer viewing myself as an individual, but as a unit. As a couple. I am no longer free to pursue whatever I want; I am no longer a single woman. I am part of a team, and my ambitions, dreams, and energies need to take that into account.

The beginning

I am a married woman!
That phrase seems so distant from me, like it's not even true. Sometimes I have to remind myself that, yes, I am in fact, married. I think it just seems like we're not really married because we don't have our own place yet. Or, maybe this is normal and it just takes time to adjust.
But I really do think that once we get our own place, it will seem more like we are a married couple and less like we are still dating and just staying at Phil's parents house for a little bit.

Well, the summer is upon us now. I am trying to figure out what to do with my time. Phil is doing his internship for school, so he is really quite busy. But I, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing to do. For the first week or two, it was fun to just be lazy and bum around our living quarters. I enjoyed sitting at the computer, drinking my coffee and just browsing the internet. It was fun to watch tv whenever I felt like it. And I will admit that I have played Sims periodically because it can be quite entertaining. But now...now I just feel lousy about all of that. I feel like I am wasting away my life when I could be doing something productive and meaningful.

I think that a summer job is in order. I applied at a few places, but I really wasn't interested in getting a job. Now I think that it is necessary for my survival this summer. Without keeping busy, I may just go crazy!

Feeling the Stress of it All

I am currently renting a house in Lincoln. It's totally awesome. I have thoroughly enjoyed living by myself. It's one of the (many) things that I have wanted to do before I get married.

I also have a job that I love. It's ridiculously hard at times, but in the end I still can say that I love my job. However, it's all the way in Champaign. Over an hours drive just to get there.

I didn't realize that the drive would be such a big deal when I took the job. And honestly, I took the job because I had no other options. But... turns out, it is a big deal. Paying over $300 in gas a month has seriously dented my checkbook.

I came to the conclusion that I would go down to part time there and get another part time job in Lincoln (or maybe even Springfield because that's still pretty close). I can't even begin to tell you how many applications I have floating around out there. I have been searching and applying for almost 2 months now. And nothing. I did have one interview, but they did not call me back.

I am beginning to get really stressed about all of this. I have been praying and praying and praying (something that I definitely need to do more of these days).

I also decided that maybe I should just find a roommate who can split the rent with me. That would at least ease part of the burden. I have put ads on Craigslist and so many other roommate websites (kinda weird that they have those...). I have gotten one response. From a guy- 36- who is married and has 2 kids. I thought that was odd. Cause he doesn't intend to move his family in with him. Luckily I still have my sense about me, because there's no way I'm letting a guy move in here with me.

I'm getting nervous because if I don't have another job or a roommate by the beginning of February... I don't think I'm going to have the fundage to continue living here. Ahhh!!!

Also... wedding planning sucks! I'm getting married in roughly 4 months and all I've gotten accomplished is ordering save-the-dates. I have friends that are getting married several months after me and they pretty much have everything planned already.

I just need some help.

Overcome

I wrote this poem as I was (and still am) struggling with issues that are so far out of my control. Sometimes there are circumstances, or changes, in life that are so difficult and that cause so much grief and sadness. Somehow though, I believe that God works in us through the pain and the hurt and the brokenness. For me, it's so hard to see how God is working in my life when I'm going through something painful. All I can see is how hurt I am and it seems like God is doing nothing to help me out. Almost like he has abandoned me in my time of desperation.

This poem was actually comprised of three different poems that I wrote through a period of several months. It kind of goes from a perspective of complete hopelessness and loss- to a period of trying to escape the pain- and then to a more reconciled perspective, where I can finally see the hand of God through the mess of things.

Overcome

Here again in a lonely place

Longing to glimpse a familiar face

The whole in my heart continues to grow

Into the night the tears always flow

This isn’t where I belong

It’s not where I fit in

There’s no familiar song

My soul cries from within

I don’t want to be here anymore

I’m tired of living this lie

Please take this mess away from me

And break this heart of stone

The darkness swoops in and corners me here

All of my peace is replaced by my fear

I struggle to stand as I cry out in vain

No one will know it causes me pain

I’ve been wounded, I’ve been beaten

Deep inside my heart is bleeding

Who could know of this pain inside

No one will know if my soul just died

It’s lonely here and it hurts so bad

I only long for what I once had

The hole that’s my heart will never be healed

I’m stuck in this darkness, alone and so scared

I ran away today

Ran from the pain, just got away

It hurt so bad, it cut so deep

I fell to the ground. I started to weep.

Where can I run to get away from it all

Where do I turn for you to hear my call

Where can I escape this unending pain

Oh God, is all this wailing only in vain

I cried alone today

Cried from the pain. Had no escape

You broke my heart

I built a wall

I fell apart

From it all

A broken heart turned to stone

Inside my fortress all alone

I want to be free

I long to escape

My one desire is for these chains to break

I want freedom from this pain

But without it, there is no gain

A broken mess restored again

A passion revived as hope floods in

This healing has brought a love so divine

I’m no longer broken, I’m no longer blind

In you I can overcome

In you I no longer need to run

With you I’m strong enough to stand

Only in you can I gain the upperhand

Unforgiveness caught me in a snare

Bitterness and anger became all that I could share

Tragedy overtook me as I blamed it all on you

I was damaged, I was broken. I didn’t know what was true

But in you I overcame

Your love has brought the rain

Of healing into my life

I will no longer lose this fight.